The Capitalist

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except if you’re near the Gulf of Mexico. Hurricane Helene is making Florida slicker than a thousand bottles of baby oil at a P. Diddy Freak Off. Stay safe, south siders.

In other news, if you find yourself looking for an opportunity to be an absolute nerd, you’re in luck.

This week, Meta announced their first augmented reality glasses. Goodwill stock surged in anticipation of new inventory in the coming months.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 39th Week of 2024

Update The Race

The race to the presidency is tied by a landslide, with Harris carrying a slight lead in national averages, according to Five Thirty Eight. The polls put Harris 2.8 points above Trump, which is to say, a single meme could shift the standings if it trended long enough to get a retweet from Elon Musk (estimating five minutes if it's a really good conspiracy). Some pundits think the VP debate could impact the polls, but there are also people who think there’s a giant faucet in the Pacific Northwest that can spray water over to California, and I’m not getting my hopes up about that either.

In an attempt to gain some ground, Kamala, on Wednesday, announced an economic plan and in announcing the plan, she said, “I’m a capitalist,” which I believe is actually just a Charlie XCX lyric. She promised an 80-page paper would follow to demonstrate how well thought out the plan was. Some of what is included in her economic plan is the change we've been waiting for. For example, she's going to lower the price of eggs by going to every Piggly Wiggly and giving them a talking-to. J.D. Vance already pointed out that a dozen eggs, (which he shows typically come with 18 eggs) are now going for $4.00 despite the sticker pricing of $2.99 as seen in a video he released. Kamala is also proposing no tax on tips, which some believe will be a boon for newsletter writers, among other professionals (by the way, if you want to support me tax-free, you can leave me a tip here.) (more)

Hello Hezbollah

When an attack turns into 500 deaths in one day, it really starts to make you think your strategy of carpet bombing your enemy for a year may just be starting to pay off. In the case of Hezbollah, they consider their recent casualties from an Israeli attack a success because now, without question, the world will be even more against Israel and forget how the battle between them started. A reminder for those who don't recall: Hezbollah started thrusting rockets at Israel on October 7th in solidarity with Hamas before Israel sent a single bomb to Lebanon or Gaza.

Reacting to the Israeli attack, Saudi Arabia put out a statement urging “all parties to exercise maximum restraint and keep the region and its people away from the dangers of war” and calling on “the international community” to end conflicts in the region. I assume the message must have been written on October 7th but was somehow forgotten in the drafts folder (no shade; I've done that myself a million times). (more)

Spending Bill

Thanks to the war in Lebanon, Congress's threat of a government shutdown failed to get news coverage, but don't worry—we'll be back later this year. In the meantime, behind the scenes, Congress managed to pass a spending bill to cover the government through December 20th. Some are celebrating Speaker Mike Johnson for being one of the best Democrats in the Republican party after once again passing the spending bill with a majority of Democratic votes, passing 341 yay and 82 nay. (more)

Biden His Time

Honestly, I don't know if I've used this joke before, but Joe is Biden his time as he continues to exist in the White House, despite some of the body double conspiracies. Joe is already spending more time Google searching vacations, and his evenings are spent trying on Hawaiian shirts. I see Joe and Jill already holding brochures for an all-inclusive cruise package, including unlimited ice cream. You could see it in his eyes when he spoke to the UN this week and implied that playing Chinese checkers is more fun than being on the campaign trail. It was incredibly obvious when he said, "Some things are more important than staying in power." And I couldn't agree more. It's time to start those piano lessons. (more)

I ❤️ NY

On Wednesday, the Mayor of New York City was served a sealed indictment, later to be announced as charges of fraud, including accepting realy nice gifts and bribes. This will be the first for a mayor of the Big Apple, but if you've watched a single police procedural, you know that just means the first to get caught. Adams denies the claims. (more)

Comer, Hardly Know-er

This week, Congressional Oversight Chair James Comer announced he is opening an investigation into America’s dad, Tim Walz, for taking his class on educational trips to China when he was a teacher. And it definitely raises questions, when a teacher brings a class on a field trip, you never know. They might be more than a teacher. They could be a double agent trying to sell government secrets. Let’s use tax payer time and money and get to the bottom of this. (more)

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!