He Put the Sass in Nation

Hey Friends,

Welcome to the new America, where everyone's choices matter except for yours, and then only if the chosen few agree to let you choose them or not.

This is my most cynical opening yet, so let's cheer up and get right to the good stuff.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 29th Week of 2024

Assassin Nation

As of last week, we now know that Trump is not actually a robot, thanks to a brief appearance of blood at a recent event where a rogue assassin tried to kill the former president. We do not know, however, if he is not a killer beast because immediately after being shot, he stood right up with blood on his face and a fist in the air, mouthing the words "fight." Of course, that happens to rhyme with "Sprite," so some thought he might have been summoning his staff for an uninspiring cold beverage, so the beast thing remains unclear. Secret Service immediately surrounded the former President, eventually escorted him off the stage.

Eyewitnesses say the shooter was basically a Jason Bourne-type guy, except without being a military asset of the government, but instead, a guy with bad aim who plays video games pretty much all the time and wears a belt that's too long, leaving the end hanging down awkwardly. After shooting Trump, only grazing his ear, Secret Service returned fire, killing the man. He was found dead on a roof near the event, lying next to his AK 47 and a Nintendo game boy.

Tragically, one man in the audience was killed, a fireman who leaned over to protect his family.

Authorities declined to discuss a motive, but some who speak on the condition of anonymity say that it’s “because he was a little shit" and he "didn't like Trump,” although the investigation is still ongoing.

This is the first time a president has been subject to an attack in 40 years, but it's not the first to be endangered enough to be rushed out by the Secret Service. For example, they had to rush President Bush out of a banquet hosted by the Japanese prime minister after he threw up in his lap. 

According to anonymous reports, Biden faces threats to his life as well, but rather than by shooting him, he has been subjected repeatedly to having to stay up past 10:00 PM.

The Convention

This week's other big news is also about Trump as well, and fair warning, the next few Takes are not much different.

Just a couple of days later, the Republican National Convention took place, at which Donald Trump, minus a small chunk of his ear, was officially nominated as the Republican front-runner. The only thing bigger than his ear bandage was the crowd's praise for him.

At the event, Marjorie Taylor Greene was voted "worst dressed" by an independent panel of people who voted about these things for The Lorem Ipsum. The panel also voted Lara Trump as "biggest lips," competing against Kimberly Guilfoyle, who came in second, and some of those edible wax lips, which came in third, thanks to Lara's recent aftermarket additions before the event.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Ron Desantis? The question was first posed by The Daily Show in this Tweet (or X?). In Ron's speech, you could almost hear the sandpaper sounds of his lips above the crowd's roars for more government intervention in education.

Trump announced JD Vance would be his running mate, the 39-year-old elite whose message is against the elite, mainly because many of them are so smart but not quite smart enough to change their politics to become Trump's VP.

We can see plainly that the Republican Party is changing. Vance and others criticized big business and presented a variety of messages shifting the position to the left. They are now pro-union, moderated on abortion, anti-free trade, and in favor of government intervention in Education. Strikingly what was once conservative is now what they’re fighting to stop — their own policies. (more)

The Interview

This week, Biden remains on the opposite side of history compared to his opponent, as even people who hate Trump are celebrating his lion-like defiance and hair. Biden, however, is being celebrated as the most vaccinated President, and that's good because this week it was announced that he has COVID-19. While he isolates himself to protect the nation (from Kamala Harris becoming the president), many in his party are speaking out to beg him to remove himself from the top of the Democratic ticket. The stark difference is that Trump seems to be controlling his political party, while Biden can even attend a birthday party.

So far, at least publicly, Biden seems to be holding the line on his candidacy, perhaps based on his shrewd political acumen – which tells him that he is the only person who can win the election, provided he can remember the difference between his Vice President and his opponent after calling Kamala "Vice President Trump."

To combat doubts about his candidacy, Biden has been doing TV interviews with major networks to offer the American People the opportunity to hear his case for his reelection. In an interview with NBC, Lester Holt pressed Mr Biden on his ability to reach the American people, to which Biden said, “Look…”.

He would consider doing so only if a doctor informed him he had a medical condition that made it necessary. However, he couldn’t remember the name of the condition. Biden appears to be reconsidering his options as of yesterday.

Menendez Gets Convicted

Democratic Senator Robert Menedez was convicted on fraud charges this week after denying he committed a crime coordinated with a halal meat company despite the smell of beef meat all over him. According to a jury's ruling, Menendez used the power of his office to collect money for favors. He received his compensation in the form of cash, gold bars, and the occasional hand job from his colluding wife (speculation), who also faces charges. I covered it in a prior issue of the weekly. Here's a snippet:

Like a preacher in a mega church, Robert Menendez wanted nothing more than money and influence, and while he gained it, his wife directed the choir behind him the entire time. At least, that's what prosecutors think. Last week, Robert, a Democrat senator from New Jersey, and his wife Nadine were indicted for accepting bribes in exchange for his actions as a Senator and Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

Gold Bars and Beef Bouillon

What to eat and what to keep in a jacket. It’s this week’s news.

The Lorem Ipsum, by Daniel HerndonDaniel Herndon

Menendez insists he has "every faith" that he'll be exonerated on appeal, but after pressure from his party, has agreed to resign from his office. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better with friends. Or is it? Maybe ask around.

Have a great weekend!