Billionaire Force One

Hey Friends,

The banana is at risk. Climate change has threatened the world’s favorite fruit.

I bring this up because I thought you might find this story apeeling. (Sorry, that was low-hanging fruit, and I couldn't let it slip.)

The banana is the most important fruit on earth. Bananas are the caulk of food. It will fill the cracks in your diet. Bananas serve a nutritional purpose, and after consumption, their peels can be used as a trap to give a burglar the slip. It's utilitarian and delicious all in one.

However, according to a new report, we may lose bunches due to climate change. An estimated 80% of the most phallic fruit is grown in Latin America, an area which, when it comes to climate disasters, can bruise easily.

According to the data, if climate changes continue as they have, over two-thirds of farmland will no longer be viable by 2080, and farmers will be forced to split.

So, in 55 years, warn your children and grandchildren, your next banana may be your last.

Bananas are important. Save the bananas, save the world. More on that here.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 20 of 2025

Love is In the Air.

Qatar loves Trump. So much so that they decided to give him an early Christmas present worth half a billion dollars, completely free. The value is said to be around $400 million, or in other words, one round of cancelled federal grants to Harvard. It's a no-brainer for the USA. The more you fly, the more you save.

We all know Trump as the ultimate deal maker, and even if he can't get China or Russia or Gaza or Canada or Mexico or anyone else to budge on anything related to trade agreements, this gift reminds us who he is.

Critics say the gift is illegal, but Pam Bhondi, who serves at the pleasure of the President, did a thorough review of the terms of the gift to the President and within five minutes, confirmed that she didn't think it was illegal.

And who could disagree with that? Even the Supreme Court said that the President has absolute immunity for any official acts; thus, why one should accept such a kind gift gracefully, and of course, officially.

If you're concerned, please remember that this gift was not given to President Trump personally, but to the Department of Defence, to be used only by the Donald Trump as President until his Presidency comes to an end, at which time it will be given to the Trump presidential library, to be used by the citizen, Mr Trump. But it is not his personally. That would be illegal and unofficial. (more)

When in Doubt, Wear White.

In other news, Trump has pushed forward a plan to offer asylum and a rapid path to citizenship to white South African migrants who may have faced persecution. Unfortunately, white Afrikaners' farm ownership has dropped to 72% since they took it from the black citizens during Apartheid.

According to recent reports, deportations are happening all over the country, with some being interrupted in their places of work or school. One source warns that the Cleveland browns may be removed while the Minnesota Vikings receive red carpet treatment. The Yankees are in, but the Padres are out. (more)

The Big and Beautiful

This brings me to our last mention of the President, besides a quick slip in that he fell asleep at a live media event this week. This week, the House is working on the Big Beautiful Bill, as Trump has dubbed it, to address the new federal budget.

These bills are always complicated, so I wanted to give you a comprehensive breakdown, but without all the Washington jargon and details that get in the way.

Let's say you make $60,000 per year, but you spend $90,000. Thanks to this bill, based on how it is written so far, you now make $50,000, but now you only spend $85,000. Sounds pretty good, right?

It's especially good if I use words like “fiscal” instead of “cheddar” or "moolah" when talking about financials. In politics, you pick the words to make your plan sound better, because who doesn’t like tax cuts and fiscal responsibility while you're building a large border wall and paying prisons in El Salvador to hold our deportees? Answer: no one.

Baby Oil Me One More Time

As a reminder, I am "Baby Hit Me One More Time" years old, and I see the world under the light of "One Headlight" but when it comes to Sean, PDiddy, Combs, known as Puff Daddy to people my age, both statements may hit a little too close to home. His former girlfriend, Cassie Ventura, testified against him today, sharing that she did end up with one headlight after a beating he gave her in a hotel. Reportedly, she was a part of several of Sean's "Freak Offs," where record quantities of baby oil were used to lubricate the events. After his arrest, Pdiddy was held without bail because he's known to be a little slippery. (more)

Newark On That

If you’re looking to travel to the East Coast, consider flying into LA and driving there, and staying as far away as possible from the Newark airport. It’s a key hub for United Airlines, but traffic control isn’t united enough to get sufficient staffing, with some recent days counting three air traffic controllers with a goal of 20. When seeking a comment from experts on whether it is safe to fly into Newark under the circumstances, we received an out-of-office message. We'll let you know when we hear back. (more)

The Murder Babies

Back in 1989, when TVs were called "Color TVs", a term we now consider racist, there were two young men who killed their parents, claiming self-defense for years of abuse. The two will soon be eligible for release from prison, which means they will need to find jobs. I think they should try stand-up comedy because, from what I hear, they kill. (more)

Love Tapper

The normally left-leaning anchor, Jake Tapper, is releasing a book about the final months of the Biden Presidency, where the whole apparatus said he was ready to lead, but what they didn't say is that they didn't know if he would be awake while doing so. The new book, Original Sin, talks about Biden's not recognizing George Clooney at a Biden fundraiser hosted by George Clooney. Did he recognize himself? Hard to tell, but he never had to remember his own name, like he did his long-time friend, George. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is filled with potassium and is great with a smoothie. Don't just share one issue with friends. Share a bunch!

Have a great weekend!