Could’ve Been an Email

Hey Friends,

I really hate meetings.

Especially pointless ones. Conference rooms are stuffed with the same conversation over and over again. So, what's our plan? Who will take ownership, and who will circle back? Did you try the HDMI? Maybe try rebooting. If a thousand cuts can kill you, then obligatory meetings are the Grim Reaper with a ream of copy paper on the head of his sickle.

It could get worse. Try printing out the whole meeting in advance. The first page is the minutes from the last meeting. Be sure to type out the notes of this one, noting most of all that nothing happened in either meeting except a conversation about the possibilities of doing actual work.

That's why I unsubscribe from any meeting that could have been sent directly to my inbox, no projector needed. I reserve my meeting time for drinking. Coffee, wine, or whiskey are widely understood to be more productive without printed agendas. I don’t go to seminars without at least two free drink tickets and someone to elbow for a wisecrack. I stopped going to church when I realized the internet was better, and breakfast is more nourishing. Besides, I'm not much for being preached at, especially if it lands as performative or hollow. I know these seats won't warm themselves, but I won't warm them either, because it's warmer in bed.

I have an automatic decline button built into my calendar. It can get a bit unwieldy sometimes, but it's worth it. Some people like starting off with an ice breaker, but I think the best part of a meeting is declining it.

If you serve in the armed forces, or worse yet, if you are a senior-ranking official, you probably know what I'm talking about. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth sent you an email last week, requiring you to come in person to pick up another email this week, which he read directly to you.

He laid out policy mandates, some of which already existed, and others that were new expectations, requiring you to do physical training daily, and insisting that the US Military will be the picture of strength. He promised to root out wokeness, DEI, beards, and anyone fat or petite.

Pete made it clear that he can relate to military personnel by insisting they come to a location convenient for him, where he could tell them that he exercises too, and if he can, so can you. For the record, Pete is your leader, and Pete is tough.

No thanks. Next time Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor calls me up to offer to growl in front of me for an hour, I'll kindly take a transcript and read the growls later. Perhaps a skim over is more than enough, because growling about strength is not as worthy as having it, and talking about good work is not as good as doing it.

After Pete, Trump came to the stage as a Bluto in a room of Popeyes. He spoke to the American Military about all the Americans who were now their enemies. He talked about how the democrats have screwed him, and suggested that deploying the national guard to American cities should be training grounds for war. Here are the words from the man himself.

But it seems that the ones that are run by the radical left Democrats, what they've done to San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, they're very unsafe places and we're going to straighten them out one by one. And this is going to be a major part for some of the people in this room. That's a war too. It's a war from within.

Bringing your whole leadership team into one room, including the president, where a single missile could decapitate the country, seems like flexing a muscle you might be better suited to use. Even restaurant chains, for their annual meetings, won't clear their entire management staff at once, effectively shutting down business, because one burger lost is far too many. Perhaps this is not as important in matters of national security.

Of course, pulling every military leader from their post isn't exactly shutting down the entire government, but it's not an ideal strategy to prevent it. On the other hand, if Trump and his Secretary of War hadn't scheduled a meeting when it could have been an email, they might've been able to avoid that, too.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is tough—to do without that is. Make sure you share it with a friend, and make their inbox stronger.

Have a great weekend!