Didn’t Mean to Send
The letter that never should have gotten to you, but yet it did. Sorry, my bad.
Hey Friends,
Last week's email was a mistake. I never really meant to send it. In fact, every issue since June of 2021, consisting of approximately 181 issues of the weekly,... all of them...
A mistake.
So if you're judging me, my views on college, and whether or not I have a fear of sharks or something, based on that small piece of history, you're not being fair. Besides, that I said was privileged information.
You remind me of Harvard, when the Trump administration sent them a letter in error. Apparently, they assumed it was a real letter, in an effort to go to battle against Harvard.
Sure, it matched the administration's pattern of behavior, and made demands matching exactly what they said they would do, but that's hardly enough to take a signed letter from the White House seriously, and then overreacting. They should have just called.
It's the same with these emails. Just because you've received them every Friday for 3 years and 10 months doesn't mean it was intentional.
It’s weird the way this escalated. Maybe just call me next time.
Let's get to The News.
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Hot Takes
Week 17 of 2025
Pope
The pope died. He said faith, hope, love, and then peace out. I'm not catholic, but if I were, I would be devastated. For some, the only thing between them and heaven is a soft-bodied Argentinian in a robe who can tell them that everything is going to be okay, as long as we don't ever use any form of birth control.
Before he died, he was visited by the Grim Reaper, who we all know as JD Vance, the Vice President of the United States. When asked about his visit with the Pontiff, JD said he didn't want to "Soil the man..." a quote I took out of context, much like JD Vance does with scripture.
According to some reports with direct access to the details, JD Vance handled Pope Francis a lot like he did the Ohio State College Football trophy, which could explain the timing of his death.
The Pope died of a stroke. Of course, I normally would not call JD Vance that, out of respect for the office of the Vice President. And to be fair, evidently, Vance, who converted to Catholicism in 2019, during their conversation, was very gracious.
Well, except that JD asked him why, after talking for several minutes, the Pope had not thanked him once. Officials are asking JD if he will soon be able to meet with Trump.
The Pope's funeral is set for this week, but some suggest it could be delayed indefinitely, since he has eternal life. (more)
Bag Lady
Kristi Noem‘s bag was stolen about a week ago, and even after a week, the thieves still can’t find her keys amongst all the receipts, loose change, and makeup.
The bag contained her driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, and blank checks. When the theft was reported to the White House, officials were alarmed, most of all, that she still carried checks. One White House spokesperson was quoted as saying, "I guess I'll have to start asking Pete Hegseth for gum now," indicating key areas in which they felt they could rely on their colleagues.
The bag also contained $3,000 in cash, Kristi's makeup, and a large rubber spatula to apply it with. The cash, she said, was to treat her family on easter to dinner and gifts, and was not to buy coke.
Kristi Noem is the head of the Department of Homeland Security, which oversees customs, border, and immigration enforcement, emergency response to natural and man-made disasters, antiterrorism work, and cybersecurity. Some consider this particular incident a manmade disaster, although some suggest this indicates her job should change, and her title be updated to Director of Handbag Security. (more)
RePete Hegseth
It was reported this week that Pete Hegseth leaked the details of a military strike in Yemen in a second chat group, this one containing his wife and brother. Evidently, in addition to "war plans," he also leaked plans for an Easter cookout at his house.
After a second scandal, it is rumored, but not confirmed, that Trump is considering replacing Hegseth. The administration typically looks for people with some baseline qualifications. They say, experience managing any government function of any kind, even as simple as licking a postage stamp, is "a bonus, but not required." Instead, the administration looks for more useful qualifications, like knowing how to text, including all caps when needed, and looking good on TV, or even more so, in a pair of kneepads. (more)
A Litmus Tesla
Elon Musk said he's going back to Tesla after profits plummeted by 71% in recent weeks. Musk, who is praised for his ability to bring efficiency to big business, and more than ever, the government, is finding that he is especially efficient at losing customers. (more)
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum deserves to be taken seriously, but not literally. Make sure to share with friends, literally, but not seriously.
Have a great weekend!