Ditching the Vowels

Hey Friends,

I got a parking ticket this week.

This, invariably, is a sign of good luck, and the reason why I know this is because it is the most tolerable misfortune you can experience. It's the Universe's way of telling you that you're doing so well, we'll have to at least throw something at you to prove we're being fair.

It's like other things in my life. Tall, blonde, buff without working out, hot wife. But I’ve got a chipped tooth and a cowlick. It's only fair.

I'll need to cash in some more luck this week because I just launched a new business after selling my firm years ago. Last week, I announced HRNDN, a hyper focus brand agency without waste.

We're so focused on eliminating waste that we even eliminated vowels from our name because, to be honest, they're not that great.

So, I'd like to introduce you to The Lorem Ipsum's newest sponsor: Me.

If you need strategic brand and marketing support from a twenty-year veteran, contact me here.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 10 of 2025

Fight Club, International

Last week, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky came to the White House to meet with President Trump and staff in the Oval Office with the goal of pursuing a ceasefire with Russia and signing a mineral rights deal that offers the United States control over Ukraine's natural resources. In exchange, the US will give Ukraine one free smoothie for every nine smoothies they purchase if they don't lose the punch card provided by the Trump administration.

It went well. Especially if your goal is to generate TV ratings. For the first 40 minutes, the two leaders talked past each other, with Zelenskyy emphasizing Ukraine's need for security guarantees for any ceasefire and Trump talking about how great Russia has been in the negotiations.

For the last ten minutes, JD Vance couldn't handle it anymore, so he chimed it to suggest diplomacy would be a good strategy to end the war.

Many agree. And many of the same people also think that Vladimir Putin looks good with his shirt off on an equestrian outing. Critics argue that it's horse abuse, which is actually a real kind of abuse. The Lorem Ipsum take? We want to make sure Putin is sure to wear sunscreen on that smooth head.

Back to the Oval, Vance and Trump proceeded to chew Zelensky out for not saying thank you and for not washing his hands before dinner. Because of the altercation, the deal signing was delayed. (more)

State of the Onion

In other news, Trump still occupies the news cycle like Israel does Gaza, so I have another Take on the subject.

On Tuesday this week, Donald Trump did what is normally called the State of the Union, but since it is still only the beginning of his term, it is technically just called a loss of income for the networks airing it without commercials.

Trump shared his vision for the future of America as a Russian Colony. In his record-long speech, he expressed his optimism for the future of the country, which by my math, had already arrived by the time he finally finished his speech. He said from the lectern that our spirit is back, and our pride is back, as if the nation had suddenly gotten hair transplants and snorted a long line of cocaine.

Trump's speech covered much of his early actions as president. He explained that he froze federal spending, all federal aid, and even all federal laws.

In the chambers, as usual, were members of the President's cabinet, Supreme Court justices, the Republican members of congress, and then several people with paddles who were expecting an auction for the antiques road show, possibly due to the room being double-booked.

After Trump began his speech, Congressman Al Green started making a scene, waving his cane in the air. He was removed by the sergeant at arms. Green was protesting that he didn't get a cookie with his value meal at the Capitol Cafeteria, but also, fascism.

Trump took a stand on several culture war items as well. At one point, he exclaimed that there were only two genes and that gender transition surgery on children is banned by the federal government. He said to the children, "You are perfect just the way God made you," after which CNN panned the camera to Kristi Noem and Milanea Trump and then back to Trump's spray tan.

Taking JD Vance’s seat was Teen Wolf. In fact, we have a picture of him and his dad, who was proud to see him on TV.

According to people who were familiar with the situation, Speaker Johnson practiced his facial expressions for 6 hours in preparation for the appearance. His most difficult feat was nodding his head and tapping his head at the same time, all while giving Trump fellatio. Understandably, it takes a lot of coordination.

The speech lasted for an hour and 40 minutes, but according to Johnson, Trump himself did not last as long. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better with friends. Or is it?

Have a great weekend!