Email Trade Deficit

Hey Friends,

A new season of The Handmaid’s Tale just came out, and I think this one will be pretty good.

I usually don’t like reality television, but this is one I'll make an exception for.

Anyway, unfair trade is all over the news this week. And everyone wants you to read an email about it. But The Lorem Ipsum is the only one that makes the levies optional. If you want to support me with an optional email tariff, you can do that here:

Let's get to The News.

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Hot Takes

Week 15 of 2025

Betrayed War

The Trump Administration has escalated global trade tensions by increasing tariffs, prompting countries worldwide to either seek deals or retaliate by threatening us with expensive button-down shirts with the horizontal fold across the middle that won't iron out and buttons that fall off as soon as you wear it for the first time. Others are selling us steel dinnerware that bends easily, and charging us like it's collectible hammered steel. Trump, when asked to ease up, said it was not a negotiation, which he later clarified, "a lot of times it's not a negotiation, until it is," which (checks notes) is exactly true.

The stock market responded so closely to every comment from Trump that our audio tech here at The Lorem Ipsum Enterprises actually thought it was the waveform on a karaoke machine, but it turns out it was just the Dow Jones Industrial Average.

China, the largest competitor, responded to Trump's tariffs of 34%, sparking a back-and-forth that has landed tariffs at something like 104% for the time being.

To give readers a sense of how this will affect everyday life, below are some examples of what you might experience:

Monopoly. The popular board game is typically an imported product from countries like China. Analysts expect the board game prices to go up substantially. Some suggest it may take up to three times as many houses to build a hotel. The most notable change? Instead of Boardwalk being the highest rent, now it will be Oriental Avenue.

Butter. Irish butter is expected to be as much as $11 in the USA. Soon, it will be traded on the commodities market next to Gold Bond, Centrum Silver, and other precious commodities. From a social standpoint, some say that eating a piece of toast is considered arrogant, sort of like talking about your income.

iPhones: The world's most popular smartphone may be so expensive to purchase that people begin speaking in person again, in some cases, even on elevators.

Eyeliner. One of the individuals most affected by the tariffs will be JD Vance, who will have to pay astronomically higher prices for his signature look.

Even during a wild back-and-forth and plummeting stocks, Trump said he is not backing down. Also, he backed down, delaying most of the tariffs for 90 days. But that's it. Otherwise, not even flinching. To all other countries on earth and small islands governed by penguins, we say, this is not a negotiation, but let's make a deal, and if we agree to something, we will not stand by it.

After Trump announced the pause on tariffs, the stock market rallied by 9%, then crashed the following day. (more)

Let's Skip The Peasantries

JD Vance recently offered his perspective on the ongoing trade war with China, in a Fox News interview, saying, "We borrow money from Chinese peasants to buy things those Chinese peasants manufacture."

I was shocked to hear how crass he was when he suggested that all Americans do is "buy things." We're people with hopes and dreams, who experience joy, sadness, and fear about whether we'll have nice things. If we, like Pete Hegseth, are pricks, do we not bleed? Go back to the Ohio Valley with your elegy! My eyes are up here!

Anyway, he makes a good point. The US has borrowed a lot of money, with our interest payments amounting to over 15% of the federal budget, which is crazy. That's like building a big car company, and going public to raise a huge amount of capital by selling stock, only for that stock to increase dramatically in price and for the CEO to go meddle with everything in the government. In other words, it's bad, but I have to tell you (and this is not financial advice) if you're smart, you'll do what all the other countries are doing, and invest in the USA, because Tesla's value is going down.

Here's the interview.

Flooding The Other Zone

Buffalo Trace distillery (my alma mater) was flooded, forcing it to change its name to Water Buffalo Trace after the Ohio River floods covered entire floors of its facilities. The distillery said in a statement they "are not able to advise on the impact to our total distillery footprint," because we are "doing a tasting" and may be "too drunk," rendering assessing the facilities as "unsafe" and "not really what we're doing right now."

Down the river, in Cincinnati, Joe’s Crab Shack had hundreds of pounds of food ruined just by being on the Joe's Crab Shack menu, but further threatened by rising waters. Nearby, flooding was so bad that a Hooters was engulfed up to its nipples. As a result, the business over the weekend was a bust. (more)

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!