Everybody Kamala Down

Hey Friends,

The official color of summer is chartreuse, and the vibe is brat.

That means it's time to make one of my favorite chartreuse drinks, The Last Word. The recipe is equal parts gin, maraschino, lime juice, chartreuse, and attitude.

Make a three-ounce portion on ice, shake it like you just fell out of a coconut tree, and serve it up.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 30th Week of 2024

The Brat Race

Over the last week, there were more developments in the race for the White House than normal, despite the prior week.

At the Republican National Convention featured a mythical Donald Trump restoring democracy to America while wearing a My Pillow ear bandage to memorialize being shot at one of his rallies. It's unclear if the earpiece had Bluetooth connectivity, but if it did, it was most certainly the most sanitary Bluetooth headset ever made since 1998.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden had an infirmity of his own, as he nursed a case of Covid at his Delaware home in lockdown. But the President is no stranger to a cold – shoulder, that is, because after fighting a cold led to a flop of the first presidential debate, much of the left-leaning USA turned on him and launched a pressure campaign to push him out. It wasn't a coup, but it was exactly like one.

Well, literally everyone in America got what they wanted this week for the first time since Paris Hilton's show was canceled in 2007 and since the original Independence Day of 1776 before that. Joe Biden withdrew his bid for re-election, making Donald Trump the oldest person not to drop out of the race so far. Joe tweeted a screenshot of a letter. There was no live announcement, not even a body double appearance for this history-making move. Not until Wednesday when he made an 11-minute appearance from the Oval Office.

After being pushed out, some party loyalists celebrate Biden's move of stepping down as "selfless" and say they have "dodged and bullet" and that they "hope Jill isn't too mad."

This means Kamala Harris is the Democratic party's presumptive nominee. She is only the second woman to make it this far and the first to do so without dressing like Kim Jon Un after getting a wardrobe makeover from an upholstery salesman.

After the President dropped out, Kamala received over $128 million in donations in less than three days. In an early poll from Reuters, she snagged a two-point lead on Trump. She's hoping the President can drop out a couple more times before election day.

Kamala is young. She's got energy. Her cackle is infectious. In short, Kamala is brat, according to British pop singer Charli XCX. Brat — a term which is now good – is sort of like Ted Nugent saying Jimmy Carter had Cat Scratch Fever in 1977. It might feel like something you don't want to be, but go ahead and take it as a compliment.

As Kamala assembled her campaign, she quickly adopted the "Brat Summer" album look from Charli XCX after the British pop singer tweeted that “kamala IS brat.” Among VP contenders, XCX is believed to be the most brat, but it's unclear if she can draw swing state voters.

Secret Disservice

Kimberly Cheatle, head of the Secret Service, endured a bruising testimony before Congress. In a brief summary of her testimony, she offered the oversight committee shocking answers like "I'll get back to you." and "I can't go into specifics, but I can avoid answering your question." After calls from both sides for accountability, the next day, she resigned. I can relate. If one of my interns fucked up something in this newsletter, I, too, would resign for their failures.

Interestingly, this was one of those rare moments of agreement between members of Congress on both sides of the aisle. Other agreements include a time when it was requested to turn the thermostat down in the House chamber to something below 70 and that BLTs with Turkey on them are no longer called BLTs but instead are called Club Sandwiches, although there is a difference of opinion on whether a third piece of bread is required. They don't, however, agree on whether convicted felons should hold high office, but they are moving closer to each other on the abortion topic. (more)

Boyz to Menendez

Gold Bars are a great way to protect yourself from a crashing economy or a tyrannical government, especially in a world where gold is more nourishing than the highest quality meats. But, a jury didn't believe that Bob Menendez had stashes of gold bars because he had seen an infomercial on cable news. Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey (D), where the "D" stands for "Dickhead" was found guilty last week of fraud and immediately faced calls to resign from his party. He leaves office on August 20th to make time for his coming prison sentence, which may end up being the remainder of his life. (more)

Not in Yahu

Benjamin Netanyahu visited the US this week to talk to Congress, Biden, Trump, and Harris to campaign for continued support in their war with Palestinian groups. "Bunjamin" claimed in a speech to Congress about civilian deaths in Rafah that there were "practically none." In this case, he's using a form of Government math where "inconvenient" facts are counted in reverse. (more)

A Line of Sharks

Imagine the worlds deadliest animal going full hot girl summer and snorting lines of coke off the ass of a white whale. Well, It's a true story. The most brat thing of the season is the discovery of sharks swimming off the coast of Brazil, testing positive for cocaine. According to one source, scientists decided to test one group after noticing they had been wearing the same clothes as yesterday – only to discover traces of cocaine in each of the 13 sharks tested. Without question, this ignites one of my most irrational fears and makes me feel left out all at the same time. Because sharks may be crazier than ever and are having a really great time without me. (more)

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!