Ex-Pence Report
Plus Bibi, Bing, and saving money by making less. Could this week's news BE any more fresh?!
Hey Friends,
Good morning to everyone, especially if you're the Uber driver who dropped me off in a trendy spot in Orlando this week. Dinner was great, but it's good to be back home.
I've spent the last few weeks working on several new full-length articles, but due to my coke habit (specifically, the absence of one) and a bit of travel, few have landed in your inbox. While I have a perfect record for The Weekly, the juicy morsels of my Hot Takes pale compared to the artisanally crafted delicacies of a long-form, thought-provoking article. I have at least three chart toppers in the works right now, so stay tuned, but if you're new here, here are some of the great articles you've missed.
Most of these are what we in the marketing business call "evergreen," which means that whether summer or winter, the content remains relevant. Well, winter is coming, and your thoughts will need some provoking, so here are some good places to start.
Here's one about Conspiracy Soup, compliments of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I cover how he pairs the truth with suspicion to twist people's arms into following him. He'll probably impact this election season, even if not by winning.
Daniel Herndon
Here's one about how news and politics stretch narratives to get you sucked in. It's a good companion piece for the above and perfect timing for the heat of the Presidential election season.
Daniel Herndon
If you need something a little more light-hearted, you can either watch The Golden Bachelor or you can read this article about where I get my best material, which, at the risk of spoiling the ending, is not The Golden Bachelor.
Daniel Herndon
Also, since we're pretty much done with grass for a while, let's talk about weeds and the people who hate them.
Daniel Herndon
But alas, this is The Weekly, so I won't leave you without the headlines.
Let's get right to it in The News.
Hot Takes
Week 44 of 2023
Ex-Pence Report
If you feel like you’re not experiencing enough regret these days, try being Mike Pence. The former presidential candidate and senior drug store greeter who ran with and then against Donald Trump has thrown in the towel after a wet floor sign proved to see less slipping than his poll numbers did.
Pence's campaign wasn't without value. It served as a reminder that there are still people in the fight for Reagan-style conservative values and also as a reminder that he is not Ronald Reagan, or even close.
When Mike did a campaign appearance in an Iowa drugstore, he didn't just read the back of a bottle of Tums. He also read the room because just a few days later, after nationwide mocking, he announced he was suspending his campaign.
On the bright side for Pence, he can still look up for two reasons. One is because it helps to prop up his super Christian image, and the other is because at 64 years old, he still has another 20-30 years runway left in his career in politics. (more <–– hat tip to Tangle for a great take on this story.)
Gaza Stripped
Troops advanced into Gaza, entering into the next stage of the war. And watch out, Harvard, because you might be next. Benjamin Netanyahu incredulously pushed against calls for a ceasefire because, he says, that would be like surrendering to Hamas and Harvard students at the same time (exaggeration, mine).
As the war has stepped up, Israel is being accused of attacking without regard for civilian life after an air strike caused dozens of casualties in the Jabaliya refugee camp in the northern Gaza Strip. "We didn’t want this war," Netanyahu said while straightening his combover. "Though Israel didn’t start this war, Israel will finish it." (more)
WOW UAW
The United Auto Workers pulled a rabbit out of a hat using a novel labor strike approach, which included a whack-a-mole style strike, with crews walking off the job in various locations and then a skee ball approach where every time Car bosses gave them a lackluster offer, they slid it right back to them.
The average auto worker makes about $28 per hour, which is "very high" or "below average" depending on whether you ask the Big 3 automakers bringing in $250 billion in profit or the Social Security Administration, who says the average wage is $64,000 or $30.77 per hour. The initial raise of 11% will bring the typical auto worker's wages to the national average. The change is considered a big win because many auto workers are expected to upgrade to a paid subscription to The Lorem Ipsum. (more)
Georgy-Boy Santos
George Santos could be ousted from the House if the Republicans agree on something, which is not generally expected. Georgy-boy, the New York Republican, is charged with several counts of fraud and has already admitted to lying about his background and, some believe, also his waist size. The Vote took place on Wednesday, with both Democrats and Republicans voting to table the measure; George will live to lie about it. (more)
Johnson's Cuts
Johnson, the Sunday school teacher turned Speaker of the House, said he’ll only allow money to go to Israel if we can reduce tax revenues. In a bill which passed the house mostly on a party line vote aims to take away IRS funding to "pay for it," which a simple Google search explains doesn't work, but then, maybe he should have asked his Republican colleagues how to use Google since they had practice Googling him when he was unanimously Googled to become Speaker. (more)
God Save the Bing.
Could this news BE any more bad!? Matthew Perry, known for playing Chandler Bing on Friends, has died of a suspected drowning. He was found in a Hot Tub unresponsive. I have a lot of fond memories of Chandler Bing and other roles played by Perry. He was the first I ever heard admit he used humor as a defense mechanism, which was one of the more validating TV moments for me. (more)
Quickly
- Sam Bankman-Fried, the FTX founder who made billions on Crypto investors, was convicted of Fraud last night. He faces a maximum sentence of 110 years, which means he may miss 5,720 issues of The Weekly from The Lorem Ipsum.
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum, the quicker, thicker news picker-upper. Let a friend know they can sop up some space in their inbox right here.
Have a great weekend!