Fact Based Jobs Grow

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, except for the Private Sector, where Pam Bondi will be taking a job that she is "thrilled about." It's Friday again, and it's time for a brief update. I'm calling again from England, where "partly cloudy" is a heat wave, and the 'F' word sounds graceful.

What I like about comedy is that you can tell the truth without the burden of accuracy. It gives me a chance to communicate important information under the guise of total unimportance.

There's also a style of talk called "bullshit," made popular by Donald Trump, and the 49.8% of voters who prefer it over the alternatives. It offers something similar, but kind of in reverse, taking things that are important and making them seem far less important by abusing the facts.

This has created a boom in jobs for fact checkers, thankfully, as other markets struggle. On Wednesday evening, Trump gave a speech updating the public on the war in Iran, which, as usual, boosted morale with the Fact Checker's Guild. Analysts look forward to a positive jobs report, too, with numbers shrinking across all categories but growing in two: fact-checking and artificial intelligence, both of which are essentially based on bullshit.

Not to take jobs from others, but for those of you wanting a summary of the President's address this week, with a fact check, I'll provide one here today.

Claim 1: "The war is nearing completion" and will wrap up "shortly."

This is misleading because he was addressing someone in the audience named "Shortly," but according to those familiar with the audience, there was no one by that name among the press corps, the White House media crew, or any of the cabinet members. Some believe he could have been referring to his press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, who measures in at 5 feet and 4 inches. This is the first record of Mr. Trump calling her by this name.

Claim 2: Iran's missile capabilities have been largely destroyed.

Partially true, but significantly overstated. To date, no one has been able to confirm that the projectiles that Iran lobs at its enemies are actually missiles. According to available data, some projectiles are believed to be made up of bales of burlap bags filled with rice, wrapped around a large scale skewer made up of a fragrant, aromatic blend of rice, grilled meats, stews, and herbs – essentially a fresh kebab. As a U.S. official told NPR last week, the U.S. has only been able to confirm the elimination of around one-third of Iran's missile capabilities, and that was in part due to Pete Hegseth going on a meat binge when on a trip to the Middle East.

Claim 3: Iran's nuclear program has been obliterated

This claim is false. The fact checker to dive into this one was actually Donald Trump himself, who previously said that Iran's nuclear program was destroyed, and then shortly after, said it was not, but also said it was in the same speech. He also had recently told Reuters he doesn't care about the highly enriched uranium dust that Iran has stored in underground tunnels, except that, he noted, it could be used as a thickening agent for his hair. As he explained in the full version of the speech, if you sprinkle the dust evenly through fine, wispy blondish-orange hair, it acts as a sort of dry shampoo, which gives hair a brighter sheen and more body.

Claim 4: "Regime change was not our goal. We never said regime change."

False. He actually said this in his first public address about the Iran war. According to sources near the White House, this new address was actually, in a way, a fact check of the old address, as everything he said in this address was, in large part, the opposite of everything he said in the prior, while also being entirely accurate. Some would even say the most accurate speeches in history, like nobody has ever seen before.

Claim 5: The Strait of Hormuz will "open up naturally" when the conflict ends.

This is contested, but mostly just because the term "open up naturally" was met with the response of "that's what she said" by the press that were present for the speech. Also, if I were to "open up," in a way that works well for me, who is anyone to say whether it is or isn't "natural," if it's what works best for me? For this reason, we can't count this one as true.

Claim 7: "We inherited a dead and crippled country... and made it the hottest country anywhere in the world by far, with no inflation."

This is false. Kuwait is the hottest country in the world, based on its frequently recorded extreme temperature of 129.2 degrees Fahrenheit.

Claim 8: "Record-setting investments coming into the United States, over $18 trillion."

This is significantly exaggerated. Also fact-checked by Trump, his own website offers a different number – about 10 trillion. However, the USA's total GDP is only 30 trillion. An investment of 18 trillion would require 24 more Wal-Marts, plus all of Venezuela, Iran, Cuba, Israel, and Ukraine combined.

On the other hand, maybe this one is true. We'll have to stay tuned to find out.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better with friends, so please share widely.

Have a great weekend!