The Town Square

Good morning friends,

I'm not sure if you're a Costco person, but I am, and I seem to run into people I know all the time there. Do you? It’s truly the town square of the suburbs, and the natives are out in full force this time of year.

This week we ran into our wine club proprietor although he didn’t immediately recognize us with an economy-size box of gluten-free crackers and a shi**er of whiskey. After some polite conversation, I snapped a picture of some NAAN and bought a folding table I will literally never use.

Hey, it was a good deal.

Another good deal is some very important celebrations. Junior Lorem Ipsum I and II had their back-to-back birthdays this week. To determine birthday plans, I took a look at historic galas of the past. To celebrate their birthdays, we decided to deluge their stomach with a quart of food soaked in butter, cheese of the fattest kind, slices of salt or hung beef, ham, and a mixture of beef puddings, turnips, and potatoes that swim in hog lard, all on Mrs. Lorem Ipsum and I. It was a wonderful experience!

Corinne and Kaija – Happy Birthday to you. I love you both.

But enough about you. Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 23 of 2022

• One-6 Commish. The Senate Hearings took place this week, and were broadcast live on nearly every news network, but were not streamed on entertainment networks like Nickelodeon, Food Network, The Hallmark Channel, and Fox News. As a result, Donald Trump did not see the broadcast.  
  For some highlights of the hearing: Turns out the election conspiracy was made up.
• He's Partied Out. A vote of no confidence for the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson took place this week, but the shaggy politician was able to squeak by and keep his locks from being ousted. While he lives to Partygate another day, experts say this weakens his place in office and marks the beginning of the end.  
• Uno Mas Shootings. A Philadelphia shooting was one of the dozens overlooked by congress last week. Fortunately, there is a bill being discussed that could expand background checks and red flag laws, but a two-party system won't allow "common sense" to determine policy. Instead, political strategists have selected the actor Matthew McConaughey to appeal to Lawmakers. He said "[Alright alright alright] We got to take a sober, humble, and honest look in the mirror and rebrand ourselves based on what we truly value." ('Alright-alright-alright'-s mine).
• Covid in the Cabinet. Secretary Pete, among five US cabinet members, has tested positive for Covid, indicating that the latest virus surge is on The Hill. Secretary Pete expressed how thankful he was to be vaccinated, boosted, socially distanced, masked, tested, and part of the Presidential Cabinet, ensuring his experience with Covid was relatively mild.
• It's budget time in Washington and Janet is not the only one Yellen. This week she took a grilling as lawmakers looked for someone to blame for inflation other than war, covid, and other logistical nightmares. She defended her federal financial decisions but said she wouldn't have done a 10-year mortgage if she know how things would've turned out. Yellen apologized for not accurately predicting the future, saying she was "wrong" about how inflation would have turned out.
• Gerber Babies. The original Gerber baby, now a Gerber senior citizen died last week at 95 just in time to make room for a new Gerber baby selected through a nationwide photo contest. The new cutie (whose face could be featured on the label of baby food and the tag of those plastic pants for those of you who still use cloth diapers [seriously guys?]) happens to have been born without a femur.

Okay, folks, that's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.

In Defense of The U.S. Holy Writ.

The Gist

It's easy to look at our national treasures as antiquated, and irrelevant. I can understand why someone would believe such a thing if they're looking at the country through the lens of a single issue. This is why I wanted to take a moment to address an ongoing discussion regarding the Constitution of the United States of America.

The question is this: Is the Constitution still relevant today? Does it still hold the power it did at its framing? Read The Article.

You may now delete this message, and thanks for reading as always. Please consider the environment before printing this email.

If you have questions and you don't know where to put them, consider putting them in a reply to this email or in the comments section for safekeeping. I'll use your questions anonymously in a future episode of the newsletter.

Talk to you soon.

Have a Great Weekend!

Support The Lorem Ipsum: