Four Weeks. A Guide to the Midterms.

Predicting the future is hard. But we should give it a try anyway. That's what you can expect from us pundit types - ranging from bloggers to TV personalities. With only four short weeks until the midterms come to a close, we'll spend the entire time trying to predict how it will end. Despite being within arm's length of the real outcome, the opiner and opine-y alike get more out of talking about the future than we get out of reporting the past. The TV variety of opinion slingers will hone in on the polls, and statistical data and propose potential outcomes right up to the last five minutes of the election, rather than putting their writers out to a smoke break so they can, instead, report what actually happened over the last five minutes.

TV news is a tough medium, and it makes a monster out of you. What else could you expect from an industry that assigns only two jobs to its weathermen–to stand in front of a green screen to tell you what might happen, or stand in the middle of a hurricane to show it to you while it is happening? It's also the case when covering politics. They need thy sky to fall, or else they're going to have to talk about what might happen if it does, with ample commercial breaks.

That's why I've prepared this convenient guide to the midterms. As a favor to you. I've going to help you identify what races to watch and highlight the sideshow you need to be aware of. If you want just the facts, without the fluff, Politico has provided this helpful guide to Midterm Election predictions. If you want the fluff and a helpful summary, I'm here for you. You, political junkies, have come to the right place. For the rest of you, please hit the back button and try your search query one more time, and make sure you're spelling "Brandon" correctly.

The important question on everyone's mind is of course, who will control the House and Senate. In addition to the obvious, people are wondering whether Herschel Walker will be asking any more of his flings to have an abortion, or whether or not Dr. Oz will be able to pull together enough cash to have crudité at his acceptance speech (or concession speech).

Readers want to know, so I've decided to write a full article to give you the high points. I'm going to keep it clean. None of the scandals, unless we're talking about J.D. Vance performing anilingus on any leading presidential candidates to get an endorsement.

To get to it, we'll start with the easy question. Will the Democrats make any gains in their majority position?

It's hard to say. At least it will be for the President, given his tendency to stutter. And if they do make any gains, in either chamber, who knows if he will even notice. Not just because it's not on a teleprompter, but most days he can't even remember what he had for breakfast. His aides more than likely are responding with "Mr. President, you are eating breakfast right now, and it's oatmeal because you said it doesn't hurt your teeth.".

For The Lorem Ipsum analysis, we've reviewed the latest surveys to provide you with the results based on comprehensive polling data. Taking into account an average of the last several major polls, including Gallup, FiveThirtyEight, New York Times/Siena College, Fox News, and Pew Research, over the last three weeks, we find that with a margin of error of about 3 percentage points, no one actually knows what's going to happen.

As the results show us, Biden's approval rating is really excellent due to his recent pardoning of 6,500 people convicted of marijuana possession and for extending student loan forgiveness to millions. But he's also faced low approval ratings because of inflation in the number of people that are stoned and no one actually receiving student loan forgiveness.

With Biden's approval rating almost as high as inflation, Democrats hope he garners favor for the party, but history tells us that the President's party most often does poorly in the midterms.

So let's talk about the big races, and what to expect.

The Senate

Oz vs. Fetterman

In Pennsylvania, running for Senate, we have Republican Dr. Oz who says this election is a referendum on the price of carrots and pre-made guacamole. I understand why Oz is so worked up about soaring vegetable prices at the made-up supermarket Wegners. After all, he's running against a guy in a hoodie with a 1990's goatee so he has to have a platform if he's going to have competition that stiff (referring mostly to his opponent's posture, and not necessarily his ability to win).

In Fetterman's case, he has a lock on the 1990s goth rocker constituency, who have a voter turnout of roughly 9 – Inch Nails that is. But Fetterman's recent stroke has given him setbacks in his ability to wage his campaign for Senate. He effectively spins the story in an interview with NBC news by explaining (while struggling to say empathetic or apathetic) that the challenges from his stroke help him to better understand the struggles that Americans face every day.

Green vs. Flowers

Marjorie Taylor Green is up for reelection as well. Marjorie is known for promoting family values, including allowing children at insurrections. In recent weeks, she's been able to get rid of her husband, who kept getting in the way, although reportedly not as often getting in the way of her illicit affairs, but rather blocking her from her preferred machine at the CrossFit gym which Green owned.

Her Democrat challenger Marcus Flowers has managed to reap a massive 10.8 million dollars in campaign funding, but it's not all roses. The Democrat challenger is believed to be a long-shot candidate against the MAGA incumbent in a very republican district. Flowers is known for sporting the exterior of a normal person along with a cowboy hat. Attire that Green would never wear.

Warnock vs. Walker

In the Georgia Senate race, Raphael Warnock holds office and is running for reelection. Herschel Walker, the former NFL football player turned chicken salesman is the mullet of republicans; He's Pro-Life up front – but he pays for abortions in the back. Meanwhile, the baby mama drama may be helping Warnock who is edging slightly ahead of Walker, who has had any abortions even though he is not against abortion.

Kelly vs. Masters

Running for reelection in Arizona, Incumbent Senator Mark Kelly is a former NASA astronaut, but many of his allies say he's down to earth. His opponent, Republican Blake Masters brings a degree from which he has derived his last name. Masters is a former venture capital investor working for Theil Capital and The Theil Foundation. Masters is backed by Trump and Theil which as much as 15 million being donated to his campaign.

The House

Peltola vs. Palin vs. Begich

2022 brings the first year for ranked-choice voting in Alaska, one of only two states that use the method during the congressional election, the other being Maine. Palin, whose hope is that she can win based on her choice of eyeglasses, remains in the race despite abysmal polling and lacking votes in the primaries. The favored candidate, Mary Peltola, was recently elected in a special election after Congressman Don Young died. She was the first Democrat to win a congressional seat in Alaska in over 50 years.

O'Halleren vs. Crane

In Arizona's 2nd Congressional District which includes Flagstaff, Tom O'Halleran is a former Republican running as a Democrat. He left the party in 2014 presumably because he didn't like the snacks at the convention, and evidently, he cares a lot about the water options as well, as he openly cited Republican policies on water as one of his leading reasons for leaving the party.

O'Halleran's challenger Eli Crane is more of a Dasani guy. He runs as a candidate who is still a Republican, which means he prefers to pour cold water on voters, citing election integrity as his bigger issue of focus. One of his chief concerns is restoring "election day" voting to ensure that people that can't afford to take a day off work can't vote.

Golden vs. Poliquin vs. Bond

Jared Golden currently serves as the Congressman for Maine's 2nd Congressional District and brings experience. Specifically the experience of talking to President Biden once. Donning a flannel and jeans, he debated Republican Bruce Poliquin and Independent Tiffany Bond, two people dressed in professional attire. Abortion seems to be taking the lead in Maine where voters will use ranked-choice voting to select their next congressman.

Bond, who doesn't have a high school diploma, practices law, and also uses the words willy-nilly, yahoo, and harlot, two of which were part of her answer to questions about her stance on abortion. Poliquin, on the other hand, prefers words like "proud" which his PR team warns him may be too close to "pride" since he is known to have opposed legislation for a measure designed to ban discrimination against LGBTQ people back in 2016, a vote flip which seems to have lots him reelection after that term.

Davids vs. Adkins

Abortion becomes the topic of focus for Kansas with two women on the ballot, Democrat Incumbent Representative Sharice Davids against Republican Amanda Adkins. This race comes on the heels of a referendum on whether an abortion ban should be added to the state constitution, a poll that attracted record turnout to the August primaries.

The two are up against a stuffed animal, which isn't expected to win, but it is expected to do better than the Libertarian candidate Steve Hohe who also didn't win in 2016.

Gubernatorial Races

Hobbs vs. Lake

In the Governor's race for Arizona, Katie Hobbs refused to debate Kari Lake. Instead of a face-to-face debate, a town hall event was planned where each candidate would respond to questions separately. Kari, a former middle school student, sat directly in front of her opponent during her opportunity to be on the stage, a tactic that is against the rules, so meh. The requirement to remain in a holding room was addressed by the facilitators of the event, but it wasn't until after a little heckling and drama after which Kari Lake was kicked out of the town hall event for being disruptive.

Katie Hobbs has created a little drama herself, by faking an election, as Secretary of State. Investigators found that the method she used was to count and certify the actual votes of the citizens of the state, which resulted in an electoral win for Joe Biden in the state.

Evers vs. Michels

One of the closes races is the race for Governor in Wisconsin where Democrat Tony Evers and Republican Tim Michels both poll at 50% of likely voters. Analysts have called the race a coin flip, but most voter advocates say the people should decide. Tim Michels agrees that a coin flip is not the better method unless he and other members of his party can pick the side it lands on.

Tony Evers, who is the incumbent mayor of Wisconsin is advocating for a repeal of a law banning abortion which was passed in 1849, just a few years after his own birth and, notably not an aborted one. Michels, who supports the law says he would be willing to sign a law that added exceptions for rape and incest.

Abrams Vs Kemp

Many are paying close attention to Georgia. Stacy Abrams, who is running once again after losing her prior election bid, thinks Black people should be allowed to vote. She narrowly lost in a state where Donald Trump tried to "find" enough votes to turn the election. Stacy has since created a documentary about the history of voting rights for the black community to explain how elections have favored the white people that controlled them. I also wrote a complete history of voting laws myself, and I tend to agree with Stacy on who should be allowed to vote – everyone.

Crist vs. DeSantis

Perhaps garnering a little more attention in the gubernatorial category is the race for Florida. For the record, the median age in Florida is 42.2 years old. It's not the highest in the country, but it is number five. That means that the main reason why Desantis is not a relatable candidate is because of how much hair he has. (My apologies to old people and bald people alike). He is relatable in that he was willing to take federal assistance to help the people in his state impacted by a major hurricane. He's also relatable in that he pays more attention to who is on a school board than how well schools and their students are doing. But I get it. People like getting their way more than they like getting results, and Desantis is the king of not getting results if his ending of the state-benefitting Disney tax district is any indication.

Crist, who is running against Desantis is famous for not being Ron Desantis, but also he's been Governor in the past. He's really the pick for any party because he's been a part of all of them, having begun his career as a Republican, but finding his way to independence before joining the Democrat party in 2012 (just in time to avoid any alignment with Trump). He's also doing find in the hair department, albeit entirely gray, and that is a good thing, because he can relate to old people, and people with hair (a demo that sometimes overlaps as we can see in the case of both candidates), but he can also relate to all the people that can't make up their mind. I've heard his campaign slogan is "I can't decide 2022". It's unclear if the rumors are true that he'll be switching parties after the elections this year as well. Stay tuned here for updates.

Go and Vote

The mid-terms are like a playoff season for me, with a super bowl to look forward to in the following election season. (Note: I've spelled the name of the "Big Game" generically to avoid brand infringement without properly licensing the rights to reference the NFL's Superbowl). It's a referendum on the President's performance but it's also a temperature of the whole United States voting constituency. It's like sticking a thermometer under our tongue to see how we're feeling and whether we should stay home from school or suck it up and stop faking. It's also several other metaphors that I will reserve for future articles.

But what it is not, is something to skip. Get out there and vote. Vote for someone, but if you are looking to me for advice, vote for someone who believes your vote should be counted.