Harshed Mellows

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After a busy Tuesday election, the political analysts are wondering one thing:

How will we keep up with the increased demand for pizza and wings in Ohio?

This election cycle was a modest win for Democrats and a big one for Frito-Lay, Inc., the American subsidiary of PepsiCo. For Midwestern stoners on the left, the only unwanted pregnancy will be that of being pregnant with anticipation for the next election, for fear it will harsh your mellow.

According to recent polls, Biden is behind Trump in a hypothetical rematch, and some Democrats fear they bout to get burnt.

I'll get to that in a minute...

But first, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 45 of 2023

Debate with a Vengeance

In the third installment of the Republican Debates, five candidates continued the race behind Trump in the GOP primary. Key highlights include Ron DeSantis's chapped lips, which were not helped by his visible case of cotton mouth and constant mouth licking. As I always say, and I would tell Ron personally if he was standing right here, you really ought to get that checked out.

Chris Christy struggled for air time, a problem some suggested might be caused by sleep apnea. Nikki Haley, who wore 5-inch heels, called Rmaswami "Scum." In return, he called her "Dick Cheyne in 3-inch heels," which was another reminder of Swami's quick wit and bad calculations.

Tim Scott brought a plus one to the event this time, which is notable because normally, people don't want to go on dates with Tim. He pitched how he'll make a difference for everyday people in the US by promoting his 'Make Things That We Can Make Here In America If It Makes Sense' plan. You can read a full summary of the debate here.

The Stand

Donald Trump took the stand on Monday in the civil case that may cost him control of his business after losing control of his mouth. When being questioned by lawyers, Trump spent most of the time rambling like he was speaking at a campaign rally, for which the judge admonished him multiple times.

Later in the week, Trump's eldest daughter, Ivanka Trump, testified as well and was far less contentious, but the prosecution asked her questions under oath, like "Are your teeth fake?" and "Is Jared Kushner actually an adult? He looks more like a 10-year-old boy." and other similar questions, none of which benefited the case, but they were just wondering. The answer was no to both, of course, no. (more)

Don’t Blinken

U.S. Secretary of State A. Blinken put on some thick-soled shoes and visited the West Bank on Sunday to prevent a regional conflict. Meanwhile, Lebanon's militant group Hezbollah has warned that if Israel continues to attack Gaza, it will lead to a broader regional conflict.

Israel continues to face scrutiny for the conflict in Gaza, with many calling for a ceasefire, but Israel continues to rebuff these calls, reminding everyone that there was a ceasefire on October 6th, which was broken by Hamas, who parked their headquarters under a hospital filled with children specifically so that they could appeal to Harvard students who will get any job interview they ever ask for but may not have a clue how the real world works.

As of the last update, Blinken is not in favor of a ceasefire and says that Israel should take control of Gaza after an offensive. He said, “Those calling for an immediate ceasefire have an obligation to explain how to address the unacceptable result that would likely bring.” (more)

Mayor May Not

NYC Mayor Eric Adams hired a young campaign manager, Brianna Suggs, to run his $18 million campaign when she was 23. He won, so one could argue she deserves a bonus, and who knows if she got one, but at the moment, an investigation is trying to find out if she did and if, hypothetically, it came from illegal donations from Turkey.

It's hard to say whether Brianna committed a crime or not, but she hasn't been formally charged. Under the circumstances, I guess I'd say it Suggs to be her right now. Mayor Eric has denied prior knowledge and has committed to work with officials conducting the investigation, but have you ever seen Turkey and Manhattan in the same room? I think not. (more)

Act Natural

If you're one of those people who is panicking over which shows you're going to watch, you can rest your shallow little heart because the actors union known as SAG-AFTRA has struck a deal with the studios, ending the first strike since Ronald Reagan was president of the union. The deal ensures that your binging pays actors for their part in the production, even if you're going to help by accepting price increases from Netflix and other streaming services. (more)

Quickly

• Joe Manchin, the Bud Light of Democrats, announced he would not be seeking reelection.
• WeWork might be changing its name to WeGiveUp after filing for bankruptcy.

That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.

Get Burnt

Feature Story

When a new poll comes out, the media is all over it. Like a mosquito in a nudist colony, they don’t know where to start. Front page news shows reporters' faces deep in a sacrificial cob, gnawing at the corn that is the latest findings and their headlines. The New York Times Siena College poll is the latest of them, and the fodder is evidenced in its excreta. In a hypothetical vote, Biden trails Trump in several battleground states, where the election will be decided.

I love reading the poll results, breaking them down, and then using the data to tell the story of my choosing. But currently, we're a year away from the election, and there are a number of dynamics quite obviously in play in this race. We still have a lot of ground to cover. A lot can happen between now and then, and we don't know which of the two candidates will still be alive and which will be in jail.

But my job is to tell you the truth, and that means I'm going to say things like Malibu Rum tastes like the 90s and that Googling "Celine Dion Stiff Person Syndrom" does not make you a bad person, but I'm also going to tell you that the breaking news about something people think they might do in a year does not mean you should put stock in said thing. In my experience, if 38 people say they will definitely be at your birthday party, you can expect about 12 people–tops.

I think that is similar to how we should look at these polls.

Let me be clear. If you are an average voter, you might want to spend your time catching up on the latest season of The Bear if you can stomach the constant yelling, but you don't need to worry about this poll that much.

On the other hand, if you are a campaign staffer for the Biden administration, a political activist, or something similar, you need to take this situation seriously. If you're Karine Jean-Pierre, you may wave your hands at the press when they ask questions, but after you walk away from the podium, you need to get to work and remind your team of the same. Don't shrug off these polling results. Back in 2016, we didn't expect to see a mango criminal topped with banana-flavored cotton candy for hair take the Oval Office and then "fight like hell" to take away our right to vote him out. The polls told us we were fine.

We weren't. And we can't afford to get burnt like that again.

That's it for this week.

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