Have it Your Way
This week covers blessings, cursings, and much, much more. It's this Holiday Week's news.
Hey Friends,
This week, Joe Biden cussed at a funeral.
I'm not pessimistic, but that's the way our years will be capped off. And to make matters worse, some people are staring down the barrel of a holiday season where they’ll spend every penny they own, and after, the only thing they’ll have left to spend is time doing the things they avoid all year long.
But not here at The Lorem Ipsum.
No, you and I, we do what we want. And that includes reading through the archives of The Lorem Ipsum articles or planning epic new ones, complete with a friendly paywall about halfway down.
That’s because you know that the holidays are about doing what makes you happy, what makes you laugh, and what makes you think. Not what makes you feel guilty or depressed.
- Want to spend the last week of the year counting your chickens before they’re hatched? Go for it.
- Prefer to look gift horses in mouths? Fine.
- Reinventing wheels AND making waves? Doesn't bother me.
Don't get me wrong. If you must spend some of your money on a few greedy family members, that’s okay, but don’t feel guilty if you’d rather buy booze, hang out with friends, and upgrade to a paid membership of The Lorem Ipsum.
Have it your way.
For the rest of the year, you and I will be catching up on old articles and planning new ones for 2024. But for now, we have a full issue.
As far as my unhatched eggs go, I’m counting up some big things for the new year, and I can’t wait to find out if they all hatch.
Thanks for spending another year with me. Or if you're new here, thanks for joining us.
Have a Happy Holiday Season.
But first, let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 51 of 2023
God Bless Adam and Steve
Good news for gay Catholics this week. Same sex couples can now be blessed, according to Pope Francis and his staff. The bad news is you'll still go to hell according to church doctrine, which leaves many same-sex couples wondering if the blessing is worth the parchment it's written on. Some argue spending eternity where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth is gratifying when you know that the smell of fire and brimstone is masked by the sweet aroma of incense, which are the prayers of the saints.
For couples wishing to be blessed, the Vatican insists you dress business casual because, as of yet, blessings should not be performed with "any clothing, gestures, or words that are proper to a wedding." The new approach to gay blessings, or "homosacramentals" as some are calling them, has been met with enthusiasm from churchgoers, especially from advocates for more equality in the church. For Pope Francis, the gaying on of hands is yet another move in his ongoing and sometimes controversial effort to modernize the Catholic Church. (more)
Illegal Crimes
Governor Abbott says it’s time to start arresting migrants, so he's pushed through a law that makes it a state crime to cross the border between ports of entry. In other words, crossing the border illegally is now illegal, similar to virtually all crimes.
This is one more battle between Abbott and Washington, as they differ on immigration issues. Critics fear it will result in overcrowded jails and an overwhelmed criminal justice system, but just a friendly reminder, shipping migrants to other states is still an option.
Over the last few weeks, Abbott signed three bills on border security. I'd say he's on a roll, but that would be insensitive, considering Abbott is confined to a wheelchair (to no fault of his own, Abbott was struck by a falling tree at 26, paralyzing him from the waist down). But one could say he is taking out his pain on others by inflicting another kind of confinement on people who also did not choose their plight. (more)
Meadow Muffin
Mark Meadows, who is best known for burning documents in the White House, having a nervous breakdown, supporting an attempt to overturn an election, and then going after a lucrative book deal, is facing criminal charges in Georgia, along with his former boss Donald Trump, for all the above. In the case, he asked to be tried in federal court, presumably to gain access to a different judge and, possibly, a Republican President who might drop the case. An appeals panel said no. Some say the ruling drops a muffin on Trump's defense in the same case, where he is also seeking to be tried federally. (more)
Rudy's Permanent Stains
Once, Rudy Giuliani had shoe polish dripping down the side of his face. Now, it’ll be tears because he was ordered to pay $148 million for defaming two election workers. Guiliana says he'll appeal the ruling, and yesterday, he filed for bankruptcy, but unless he prevails in contesting the fight, this time, the stain will be permanent because he can't wipe this one off in bankruptcy. (more)
Emanating from Iceland
Like George Santos at a press conference, Iceland is getting hot and bothered and suddenly, it erupted. Volcanic activity on the Reykjanes Peninsula was detected a month ago, and this week, it erupted near the town of Sundhnúksgígar and dangerously close to a power plant, emanating volcanic bursts wilder than Bjork's wardrobe and maybe even hotter Bjork herself. The volcano now seems to be subsiding for now, and Bjork seems relieved. (more)
Quickly
- The US is considering using frozen Russian assets to fund Ukraine and would probably take one of your fries without asking first, but so would Russia.
- At least 14 people were killed in a shooting at a University in Prague.
That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.
Over Their Skis
Feature Story
If you get a good look at Ron Desantis’s boots, the little guy looks like he’s wearing his dad’s shoes, or perhaps the dad he wishes he had. One that stood taller than him, enough to bestow such height on him naturally. But the only thing that is tall about Ron is his Starbucks order. The stretch of Ron's plus-size shoes looks as though he is ready to hit the Colorado Rockies, with toes that slope upward, ready for a downhill ski, mirroring his campaign performance.
A close examination will reveal his tibia so stretched, and his toe so sloped it looks like he is walking on platforms, perhaps to position himself head and shoulders above other candidates, if not at least achieving the average height of a President. Investigations into what I call "boot gait" are ongoing, but it looks like an attempt to boost his stature above reality.
In Ron's case, the length of his boots does more to suggest he is prepared for a nice Colorado ski, even if his campaign performance has suggested he might be out over his. The positive is that Ron can hit the slopes without renting anything, and to take it a step further, his lift fees are mainly for the lifts in his shoes, which allow him to be roughly the same height as his wife and possibly even Nikki Haley, who is only slightly lower than him in the polls, but apparently not in real life. Although to be fair, she does wear five-inch heels.
But even if Ron doesn't stand out on the slopes or above his colleagues, he'll still be able to stand in place on the Colorado ballot.
Donald Trump, however, can’t. At least for now.
According to a Colorado Supreme Court ruling, Trump is not qualified to be on the ballot because of participating in an insurrection. The polls, which put Trump comfortably in the lead, may not matter if the Supreme Court holds up the ruling.
This is where the campaign starts to take shape as we enter uncharted territory. Based on history, with as much of a lead, it seems unlikely Trump will lose the nomination. But if it becomes illegal for him to win his campaign, it will presumably shake up the rest of the Republican primary and perhaps all of our Republic.
The decision is likely to be made by the Supreme Court, assuming Trump appeals the ruling. Currently, 16 states aside from Colorado have pending cases regarding Trump's legal qualifications to be on the ballot. Aside from this, the Supreme Court has already been asked to weigh in on the matter of Trump's immunity from prosecution related to actions he took while in office. This week, his legal team asked the Supreme Court to slow their ruling on what would pose another barrier between him and a smooth ride back to the White House.
Those who read these pages will know that I literally hate Donald Trump but love to get spring essentials from Bath and Body Works. Even with that, you'll also find me fair, if not also non-partisan-ish. My analysis brings me no joy.
I don't think this ruling is a good one, and I don't think it will stick.
Some argue the Colorado Supreme Court ruling is anti-democratic and that whether Trump should be President is something the voters should decide. But if voters said Millie Bobbie Brown from Stranger Things should be president, they’d be wrong because the law establishes that she cannot, even if voters are dumb enough to vote her in. Currently, Millie is not running for president, but if she throws her hat in the ring, she'll be faced with the legal requirement to be a US citizen of at least 35 years old. She is neither, and a democratic vote won't change that.
This Colorado ruling, while it appeals to those who oppose Trump, does not look like it will be a roadblock that holds. In this case, the 14th Amendment, on which the Colorado Supreme Court bases its case, says:
No person shall be a ... President..., who, ... have engaged in insurrection or rebellion...
The amendment here was lightly edited to highlight the relevant parts. Here's what it doesn't say:
- What "insurrection" means.
- What "engaged" means.
Some would say that throwing a happy meal against the wall in the West Wing is clearly engaging in what is clearly an insurrection. But that conclusion is going to get a 4/3 vote on a judicial panel that is split somewhat less than evenly between conservatives and liberals. Some people hate fast food. Some hate wastefulness. Some people hate that we can't have nice things. The problem is that the Colorado court that says Trump engaged in an insurrection has not yet convicted him of one.
That's it for this week.
Remember: Reach out and touch someone – with a copy of The Lorem Ipsum. Our emails read like they are in the next room, so share with loved ones everywhere.
Have a great weekend!