How To Be Human

Hey Friends,

Last night, Intuitive Machines landed a robot-led spacecraft on the moon. The first since 1972 and a moment of triumph for all humanity.

We all want nothing more than to feel alive. To feel human. And there’s nothing more human than reading The Lorem Ipsum.

And knowing your way around is essential. So today, I'm going to open with a quick primer on how to navigate this space. We'll learn how to keep me out of spam, log in to your account, and leave a comment.

Then we'll get to the news.

First, how do I avoid landing in spam?

If this message has hit your spam box, it's too late. You're not reading this message because it’s in spam. Go find another email. For the rest of you, you can change your email or get deliverability help to stay ahead of the game under email preferences.

But first, you'll have to log in.

How do I "log in," and why should I bother?

Logging in is one of the most sought-after features at The Lorem Ipsum. Logging in gives you access to your account details. You can change your email, access members only content, upgrade your account, and more.

Here at The Lorem Ipsum, we allow you to have a direct connection without ever having to remember a password. You can log in at this link here, which is also found at the top of the home page. All you have to do is drop in your email and click the link that shows up in your inbox, and then you're logged in!

There is no password, and if there were, it would be pas$word123! which literally every reader has used some version of at some point in their lives. Not here. Here, we just verify you are you because you are the only one checking your email.

How do I leave comments on you?

Leaving comments is the currency of the internet. It's a way to say, "I agree with what you're saying, but certain conditions apply." or "Here's a full-length article in response to yours explaining why you are wrong, and please sign up for my blog." It's how we build a community. Comments are exclusive to subscribers only, so most of the crazy internet trolls are stuck over on Reddit and X. We're an exclusive bunch here.

To comment, simply click the speech bubble symbol in this email which leads you to this link. You'll have to be signed in to prove you're part of our group.

I enjoy reader replies, of which I receive many, but I often wish other readers could hear your excellent points. Private conversations are necessary, but public comments bring us all together.

And now, let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 08 of 2024

Capitol Two

Capitol One announced this week they will acquire Discover, and all the consumers rejoice. We're most thankful for low annual fees, interest rates under 32% APR, and the fact that Costco doesn't take American Express.

It's the biggest proposed merger of 2024 and probably a brilliant move. Capital One happens to be one of the leading card choices, but there are only four payment networks: Visa, Master Card, American Express, and Discover.

Since everything about global and online payments is changing, this seems like a good move. Gone are the days when we would walk around with little pieces of paper, waving our bank account numbers in the air to be blown away by a swift wind. Now, you can pay a guy to cut your grass via text, and Capital Two wants to be there for it. (more)

Smoking Gun

Alex Navalny was killed. Shortly after, Vladimir Putin put out a cigarette. The Russian opposition leader and anti-corruption activist was sent to prison for pitching the idea of freedom to Russians and opposing the current administration. He was poisoned and survived once already, and despite advice to stay away from Russia, he returned time and again until they locked him up for years and eventually killed him. President Biden says Putin is to blame. Trump says it reminds him of how much he himself is being politically persecuted, except for promoting fascism. (reason mine) (more)

Rival Resolution

The US vetoed a UN resolution calling for an immediate Israeli ceasefire in Gaza. Then, they used the word "practicable," a combination of "practice" and "practical." This feels egregious to the grammar police and the ceasefire police, but is it? The answer depends on what the meaning of the word "prack-tick-a-bull."

Think of it this way. If the UN passes a resolution, does a ceasefire then take place? Does Hamas agree with UN resolutions? Does Israel? Will it be practicable? This is all a matter of debate, and the US is proposing what it believes is a more realistic approach. As I have said repeatedly here, it is unclear what the solution is, but it's definitely not an easy one. Regardless, a UN resolution is not enforceable; it is symbolic and will not solve the problems going on in Gaza. Let’s hope a solution is found soon. (more)

Fani Pack

If you didn't spend all day Friday watching live testimony of Georgia district attorney Fani Willis last week, then you're not me, and you're probably more well-adjusted, and I'm proud of you. I, however, got hours of screen time. There are a lot of gems from the Trump RICO fraud case, and they are definitely made for TV. Interestingly, they are not the normal camera-hungry figures we are used to. The examination of Fani Willis and Nathan Wade got a little hot and heavy. Fani was hot, Nathan was heavy, and it looks like it won't matter for the case after it's all said and done. Here's a pack of some of the good moments for you 👉 (more)

Paid Off

If you've ever skipped out on a parking ticket because you didn't think you were actually parked illegally, then you know what it's like to be the Donald this week. He disagreed with a ruling last Friday requiring him to pay $350 million for all the harm he caused to all the banks that keep making a profit and testifying in his defense.

The truth is, Donald, did indeed makeup numbers in his favor. In the real estate business, they call that the real estate business. In Trump's case, Leticia James and Judge Enrogon call it fraud, and the victims are the taxpayers (and this newsletter for having to cover it). Just maybe Trump can pay for it with this next Take. Or maybe not. (more)

Foot Odor

Trump sells shoes. Still smells like feet. These kickers were designed not just to kick Nikki Haley's ass in the primaries or trip Joe Biden while he walks across a stage. They are also designed to match the man's skin tone almost exactly (with a little extra sheen added for flare). After receiving a huge bill from the State of New York, Trump now has one more way to lose money – by infringing on the intellectual property rights of Nike. Congrats! (more)

Dropping the Balls

It was hard enough to decipher when something is a blog and when it's a newsletter or just an article. Now, "children" are facing a similar dilemma. After a couple was pursuing fertility treatment, their frozen embryos were dropped on the ground by a clumsy fertility professional, much like Onan in the book of Genesis, destroying the fertilized property (aka "persons"). A lawsuit ensued, and embryos everywhere lined up to protest for their rights.

The Alabama Supreme Court ruled on what we've been wondering all along – embryos are people too – and they can pay taxes, they can still experience homelessness, and you can still be prosecuted for subjecting them to child labor if you expect too much of them in the freezer.

Since the ruling, at least one hospital has ceased its invitro services for fear that being clumsy enough to drop slippery little glass tubes on the floor can lead to a wrongful death suit. Experts are concerned that the new ruling will have a chilling effect on fertility treatment services and, inevitably, on 12-year-old boys who unknowingly may be committing a crime in the privacy of their bedrooms. (more)

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!

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