I Want My MTV

Hey Friends,

I think it's time we make America healthy again, and I think I know what to do.

Consider the following.

Ever since they stopped playing music videos on MTV, metabolic health disorders have been on the rise. See, here’s a chart I made.

And none of these details are made up either. That's clearly the only way to explain why we have some of the worst healthcare amongst our peer countries.

Sure, some say correlation does not equal causation, but that's what they want you to believe. That’s why if I were president, I would appoint an MTV Czar to get to the bottom of the Music Video Industrial complex and solve this problem. I'll just say this to the people responsible for health issues: preserve your data and pack your bags.

They say, "Video killed the radio star." But according to the data, the loss of music videos is killing us all.

Listen, like RFK says, I'm just asking the questions. Science has shut me down repeatedly, and so have the executives at MTV.

It's time for that to change. I want my MTV.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 47th Week of 2024

Pearly Gaetz

It’s been my goal to stop talking about politics for a bit to give us all a break, so I wanted to take a moment to change the subject to Matt Gaetz who is no longer in politics, but may be pursuing a career as a youth pastor.

Gaetz is a Southern Baptist who had several wild parties, which, when you add snacks and teen girls, is basically a church lock-in. Matt seems to have no problem connecting with the youth, especially if they’re cute in a skirt and would do favors for $500.

Federal investigators have traced a series of payments to several women, either to help pay for a pizza party or otherwise possibly to pay for sex, as some of them testified. It’s unclear if any of the underage girls had a permission slip signed by their parents, but this is generally non-negotiable. What we know is that Gaetz captured videos of him teaching young ladies "the gospel" after sending thousands in cash payments and then showed those videos to people on the floor of Congress.

Matt, who has already resigned from Congress, has since withdrawn his name from consideration for a cabinet position. Maybe he also won’t be a good youth leader after all, but we’ll see.

RF Okay

There’s still a lot to be determined as Trump fills cabinet positions but his recent picks appear to be a plan for the next season of Celebrity Apprentice, Sexual Assault Edition, and many are excited to watch. Sometimes, even if you don’t look good in a police report, you might look good on TV, and that just might be what it takes to qualify for a key position in government.

RFK Jr has perhaps gained the most coverage. He gets attention for his health claims like that increased mercury in seafood is causing brain worms and autism and may be a malicious ploy by the food industry. People are either excited or skeptical of him. Those who doubt him are concerned about his conspiracy thinking, but his supporters are glad someone will stand up to the food industry by speaking truth to Chowder as they say. It's easy to make fun of anyone with a brain worm, especially someone who deserves it, as I explain in Irrational Fears, but I’ll remain open to the possibilities. If he can convince Big Food to remove harmful dyes from our foods, I'm all for it. I’m definitely gonna run my MTV ideas by him, too.

Tyson Foods

Speaking of food, the most boring thing that happened last week was a boxing match – this is not counting a dry skin issue I had experienced with the change of weather for which a topical cream came into the picture. Last weekend, boxing legend Mike Tyson (pronounced "Mike Tythin") was beaten by Jake Paul, someone younger than his latest bone spur. Jake won by a unanimous decision on a margin wider than the gap between Mike's front teeth. When Jake was born, Mike was snacking on Evander Holyfield-flavored ear candy, and now, at 58 years old, he was the snack. If you saw it and thought Jake's swings were laggy, that was simply Netflix having streaming trouble. If you thought Mike Tyson's ass cheeks were on the screen too long, maybe you were just staring too long. His eyes are up here.

Nuke Kids on the Block

Putin has enjoyed his normal weekend activities, which include strutting in the wilderness with his shirt off, seated on the saddle of a horse, during which he will tell his nuclear team on a whim to lower the country's threshold to employing nuclear weapons. This latest nuclear posturing happened after the USA allowed Ukraine to strike deep into Russian borders with ATACMS missiles provided by the US. Russia says it shot down the missiles. Putin's nuclear posturing is beginning to fall on deaf ears through, including Biden's. After three years of nuclear threats, Biden barely bothered to wake from his nap to shrug this one off.

The Times Goes Tits Up

Everyone on earth, including the New York Times, is doing its best to find an offramp to the incessant topic of politics as interest starts to sag. The only way is to do a hard reset with a soft but uplifting topic – and that is to talk about boobs. In a new article and episode of The Daily, the Times talks about what Americans have been trying to get off their chest. The story is the latest attempt this week to push up readers fatigued by the trainwreck of politics by giving them something else to stare at.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!