iBumped

Hey Friends,

I'm back and ready for a new iPhone if the pockets will hold it. Welcome to another issue of The Lorem Ipsum.

If you're wondering why I look so rested, it's due to a full week of not covering the news. Or doing anything else.

I realize that many of you have come to depend on The Lorem Ipsum for a clear-eyed view of the world. That's what I'm here for. Because occasionally, you have a breakfast meeting at a Hardees, and not knowing that Lauren Boebert was kicked out of a theatre for vaping and causing a disturbance is not a good look when everyone else says they heard about it last week.

As I've said on the About pages of this site before, "We cover the news, but also your ass."

Well, last week, I did neither, thanks to a needed vacation, but I covered my own by sending out a rerun of an oldie but goodie. Since then, the news has piled up, so this week's Hot Takes section is deep.

Let's dive right in...

Here's The News.

Hot Takes

Week 37 of 2023

Un Visits Putin

I'm not talking about just any Un but the O.G. Kim Jong-Un. Putin, his bald combover counterpart, agreed to a meeting in Russia, where they talked about the possibility of sharing rockets, not just as innuendo but as an allied partnership in war. The two men have opposite hairdos, but they share at least one thing in common. They both basically hate everyone. Experts say their partnership, while it will certainly have implications for the war in Ukraine, could create a new shift in geopolitics, with perhaps a war colder than the prior of the same name. (more)

iMpeach Pit

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy has launched a formal impeachment inquiry into President Biden this week, or at least a Kevin McCarthy puppet did. To be fair, McCarthy doesn't have a choice, having surrendered all his power to Rep. Matt Gaetz and others on the far right, and probably is trying to avoid being relegated to his old job sorting Starburst for Trump.

As far as impeachment goes, Biden has been accused of many things, however, the only known criticism for which there is evidence is that he is allegedly excluding Republicans from group texts because the bubbles are green – which opponents think is totally not cool. Aside from that, there have been a number of unsubstantiated claims of corruption, including claims he used the power of his office to help his son.

It's worth noting that there's no chance of Biden being removed from the White House unless it's by falling off of the Truman Balcony with an ice cream cone in his hands, a fall that continues to seem increasingly likely, given his age and love for ice cream. (more)

In Related News, Hunter Biden was indicted on a handgun charge because he checked "no" on the box that asks, "Are you seriously on drugs, RN?" He was, and now, after a plea deal fell apart, he faces charges for an offense that is rarely prosecuted. And just a special note that this won't help the President in his reelection plans. (more)

Old Dominion

Mitt Romney announced this week that he would retire, making room for younger leaders. He chided both President Biden and former President Trump, urging them to quit while they can still remember their names. Personally, I agree with Mitt. We already agree that if you're dead, you shouldn't run the country. I suggest we expand that to look a little more like arriving at a business meeting. If you're parking, you're as good as there even if you haven't sat down yet.

Many people in Congress and The White House are grandparents these days. Even the much younger Loren Bohbert is no exception. Yesterday's old politicians are even older today, and they're undoubtedly aging by the minute. For most people, getting old involves relaxation and applesauce. For people like Nancy Pelosi, it involves running for office once again. Nancy announced last week that she won't be hanging up the dentures entirely – she's seeking office once again in 2024. Diane Feinstein happens to be seeking office right now, too, however, her staffers have informed her she's already in one. (more)

The Fugitive

In Pennsylvania, it wasn't the one-armed man that did it. Danelo Cavalcante was convicted of killing his former girlfriend, after which he was jailed for a life sentence. Well, with no offense to the Chester County Prison chef, he didn't want to be there that long, so he escaped, sending Pennsylvania police and other Tommy Lee Jones equivalents on a manhunt that stretched over two weeks, and would have been longer if Cavalcante could have, at some point, found a clothesline with a decent outfit to change into. Well, Pennsylvania State Police Lt. George Bivens insisted his team change their tune from Cacalcante to CavalCAN, and after several days at large (or "at average" based on the pictures I've seen), the suspect was caught on Wednesday. (more)

The Vax Scene

The FDA has approved the latest Covid 19 vaccines, which, to me, sounds like a perfect time for a conspiracy theory if you aren't more interested in lowering your risk of disease and moving on. With that said, it's true that vaccines have risks. For example, one guy got a vaccine back in 2011, and before you knew it, he was voting for Obama. (more)

Smart Tuesday

Apple released its latest version of the iPhone on Tuesday in hopes of continuing its trend of winning over Android users who finally got tired of not being included in all the group texts. The latest phone and its software bring many of the same cutting-edge features we're used to, like having the ability to make calls, take pictures, and be an iPhone user. In addition, it comes with a camera bump that keeps up with inflation and battery life long enough to capture a full Mitch McConnel freeze in a press interview. (more)

Quickly

• According to the FDA, Sudafed is ineffective for colds, but meth still works.
• Trump and the codefendants in the Georgia case will be tried separately.
• An earthquake in Morroco took more than 2,800 lives and injured many more as the government struggled to respond to the emergency needs of its citizens.
• Meanwhile, just 4,000 miles to the east, Libya saw floods as a dam collapsed, sweeping whole neighborhoods away and killing more than 6,000.
• And if that wasn’t enough, Brittany Spears has been shagging a felon.

That’s all we have this week.

Thanks for being here and sharing around the world.

Have a great weekend!

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