iPhonopoly

Hey Friends,

This week, I was wrangled into a clandestine conversation about what might have been espionage, a security leak, or maybe a few people at a trade show. It's hard to tell which.

I reacted quickly.

As soon as their cover was blown, I never heard from them again.

The good news is that there were not Android users. My text bubbles were as blue as the cold mountains on a can of Coors Light^®️. Something the US is suing Apple for.

I'll get to that in a minute.

Let's dive into The News.

Hot Takes

Week 12 of 2024

Do Not Pass Go

BREAKING: Your iPhone. Jailbreaking, that is, because that's the only way to use your phone however you please. The camera bump that has vexed me for years has hit a bump of its own yesterday as The United States has announced it is suing Apple for having the best phone there is. While this may be the biggest PR boost they could have ever had, it remains off-brand, as Attorney General Merrick Garland, in his keynote announcing the lawsuit, didn't even have the decency to wear a turtleneck, white sneakers, and jeans, although he gets a pass on his eyewear.

Apple has become one of the most valuable companies in the world, in part because of the iPhone. Their app store requires that 30% of purchase revenue goes to Apple, while blocking some of the phone’s features for services that compete with Apple's own suite of services.

The 88-page lawsuit points out that Apple has violated antitrust laws by keeping people reliant on their iPhones and destroying even close relationships because of the intolerable green bubbles in the atrocious text groups where someone insists that the freedom of having an Android phone is more important than close relationships. (more)

Reddit Diddit

The site that looks like Craig from Craigslist designed it has raised $748 million in an IPO this week, boasting its biggest upvote yet. It's a virtual hell site, but we all use it anyway to answer life's toughest questions, like what is the weirdest thing you have found in someone's search history. Here are a few of the answers from Reddit itself.

• I don't think it was search history, but we started typing "Why is" into the Google search bar, and the top suggested result was "Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?"
• 'Little Mermaid Porn' on my 8th grade best-friend’s computer. He threatened to beat me up if I told anyone about it.
• I went to use my friend's phone, and his last search was, "What turns feces green?"

It makes sense that a site with content like this would be valued high enough to break the tech industry out of its slump. While the initial raise didn't quite fetch the value of its private venture capital valuations from 2021, it did attract several investors and anonymous robot clowns to troll them. The IPO is an exciting time for a business that has not turned an annual profit since 2005, a sign that its gamble with artificial intelligence deals is paying off. (more)

When Bronze Starts To Fade

Spray tans are going to start denting the pocketbook more than before as the presidential campaign season gets into full swing and the demand for bright eyes and burnished tones becomes more vital. The first sign comes as Trump tries to secure a bond for roughly a half billion dollars, but is unable to secure one, putting his financial state in peril.

Trump's lawyers complained to the judge that obtaining the bond was a practical impossibility. Since Trump is now openly not as rich as he has always wanted us to believe, he is now facing the reality that he has three days before he risks the State of New York seizing his assets, starting first with his tanning lotion, followed by his golf courses and Manhattan high rises. (more)

Electric

Elastic has come a long way. Just ask fitted sheets. But electric cars still have a long way to go before they can be fully trusted. This week, Biden announced new regulations that attempt to change that. The rules intend to limit tailpipe emissions with the goal to increase the use of electric cars and fight climate change, and secondarily, to shift the economic cause wars from oil to microchips.

The plan is part of Biden‘s promise to get most gas powered vehicles off the road by 2030, and cut carbon emissions in half. Experts are divided on whether the earth will exist by then, but they’re optimistic that if it does, land fills may be equipped to handle the amount of batteries that we’ll need to dispose of by that time. (more)

Sinflation

The Feds kept interest rates where they were, leaving open a small possibility that a couple of young newlyweds could buy a home for 7.6 times their income or about double the ratio of someone in 1975. For just a little context of how this plays out for the average American, the average home is $417,000, and with an $83,000 down payment, a 30-year loan at the typical 7.59% interest rate would draw a payment of $2,358 per month without counting taxes or insurance. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is "finger-lickin' good." How about giving your friends a taste by forwarding this copy?

Have a great weekend!

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