It's The Little Things

Hey Friends,

The highlight of my week is buying a hairdryer.

As you'll see below, the headline news is almost exclusively White House politics, not to mention some breaking news – that Donald Trump underwent vascular testing after swelling in his legs (Trump's MD thinks it's partly due to his diet – and by the way, MD stands for McDonald's).

With Washington as obnoxious as it is today, a small tool that blows can seem to occupy our whole attention. Fortunately, I can take a moment to forget about him and focus on something else, like a new addition to my grooming routine. It's the little things.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 29 of 2025

Pen Powells

I also considered calling this take Jerome's Bowels, because I imagine things are irritable in the recesses of the Federal Reserve these days. A renovation worth about $2.5 billion is currently underway. In addition to replacing the crown molding and replacing old plumbing, electrical, and HVAC systems, Trump would like the renovations to include replacing Fed Chair Jerome.

In a press conference, Trump discussed the draft of a letter he wrote that will go to Jerome, thus the heading of this Take, which expresses his disdain for his long-term thinking, and that he may fire him. Experts say Trump lacks a case to fire him, but when you want the fed to be political, there’s only one way to do it, and as far as I can tell, it's the only way Trump does anything. (more)

The Epstain of Guilt

Last week, we talked about the unremarkable story of the Jeffrey Epstein files, which reveal two things: (1) there's nothing to see here, and (2) that Trump actually is not going to release the files as promised.

We've finally found the one thing that will get the Trump base to break from complete submission, and it's a conspiracy theory. MAGA won’t let it go. Trump says Epstein files are boring, and his base, led by Marjorie Taylor Greene, says he promised, and they want to know what’s going on in the files that don’t affect our lives at all. Trump is doing his best to shake it off like poo on a shoe. (more)

DOGE Cuts Both Ways

The House voted this week to cut $9 billion in spending, based on DOGE recommendations. According to analysts, DOGE has saved the United States a "f* ton" of money, but it's unclear what the value of a f*** ton is in dollars. If Congress approves the cuts, not only will the USA save point zero one eight percent (0.18%), which represents $135 total to the average American family, and thankfully, we will have that money to start paying for public broadcasting, which is part of the cuts. (more)

Bove is in the Air

The Democrats stormed out of the Judiciary committee meeting in protest when the Republicans refused to hear their debate on whether yet another former Trump personal attorney should be placed in a lifelong position on the appeals court. (more)

ICE Age

Just when you think things are going well. One moment, you're enjoying the fruit of immigrant labor, and the next, your house cleaner doesn’t show up. Hotels are in disarray, and mulch is now being spread by less skilled, less thankful, white people who might have to pay for their own student loans. Now, people who have been here since they were born are being arrested on suspicion of having a tan. Eating street corn is now called probable cause.

I joke, of course. I am 100% against all bad things and totally for all good things. And creating jobs is good. Protecting American interests is good (but only when the interests are good). Destroying people's lives is bad. Going back to the days when we thought Taco Bell was legitimate Mexican food is bad. Don't get me wrong, I'll take the Crunch Wrap Supreme, but everything else can be in a melting pot. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum can be read from anywhere. If you find yourself in an immigration detention center, despite living here since before you could walk, make sure to bring your phone with you so you have some amusing reading material in your inbox while you are waiting on the authorities to realize you don't belong in some kind of immigration jail. You belong in America.

Have a great weekend!