Kevin McCarthy Needs A Sandwich
As McCarthy tries like hell to clinch the speakership, the truth of what ails his political position emerges.
Hey Friends,
I'm glad the Holiday break is over. Welcome to another year. If you're new here, you're reading The Weekly from The Lorem Ipsum. A funny column about serious topics. The Weekly recaps the news each Friday.
Hopefully, you've gotten some rest over the holidays because we've got a lot of work ahead of us. We're going to have to start paying attention to the news as well, so I'll get right to it.
In this week's post, I'll talk about what's going on in The House of Representatives and why Kevin McCarthy probably needs a ham and cheese.
But first, a programming note:
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Let's dive into The News.
Hot Takes
First Week of 2023
Blunt Chest Trauma
Damar Hamlin of the Buffalo Bills collapsed after a tackle during a football game, going into cardiac arrest. He continues to be in critical condition, although with signs of "substantial improvement." The NFL community has completely surrounded him, except this time not to tackle him, but now to support him on his road to recovery. Damar is unable to speak but has communicated in writing, according to one of his doctors, Timothy Pritts. When Damar asked if they won Monday's game, reportedly, Pritts' response was, "I think you misspelled 'I want a burger and fries'."
Last night, the NFL announced it would not resume the unfinished game. (more)
In similar news, actor Jeremy Renner was run over by his snow plow vehicle, causing serious injuries.
Machete Attack
The headline said, "Maine Man Attacks Cops in Times Square," but as far as The Lorem Ipsum is concerned, 19-year-old Trevor Bickford is not our main man, despite coming from a state named Maine. The attack, an act of violence in the name of his religion, resulted in the injuries of two NYPD officers, and Trevor himself was shot in the shoulder by police. Both officers have been treated and released. Representatives for the NYPD said, "it's a jungle out there," but cautioned New Yorkers against taking that literally, considering the whole machete thing. (more)
Walters Meets The Pope
Barbara Walters, also known as Baba Wawa, died last Friday. She brought along the former Pope, Benedict XVI, who followed her a day later, hoping to snag her a spot in heaven (since Walters practiced no religion). Although, for some reason, I think that resigning from being The Pope has got to be a sin, considering Popes have been avoiding it for over 600 years. (Here's more on The Pope(s))
Cease Fire
Russian President Vladimir Putin called for a 36-hour cease-fire along the front lines in Ukraine for Orthodox Christmas. Ukraine rolled its eyes. (more)
Selling Body Parts
Two funeral home directors were sentenced to 20 and 15-year sentences for selling their customers' body parts. Understandably, funeral industry professionals are looking for additional revenue streams as their clientele dies off, but lawmakers advise you to get permission from the families of the deceased before you sell their grandma for parts. (more)
That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.
Give This Man a Sandwich
The Gist
I like a good sandwich as much as the next guy. But I won't bend over backward to have one, especially if it leaves much to be desired in the taste department. Some tell me I'm picky about my sandwiches and food in general. But, as I put it, I just want us to be honest about our wiches – sand or otherwise. Like the "unwich," a food named for its lack of bread – where I come from, we just like to call it "ham."
Kevin McCarthy is a big sandwich fanatic himself. He once owned a sandwich shop he called Kevin O's (which I checked and found no relation to Cheerie). He started Kevin O's at 21 years old, where he provided sandwiches "hot upon request," a slogan that happens to be his motto in congress even to this day. According to Kevin, his most popular sandwich was turkey with cream cheese and artichoke hearts, about which he says, "I just made it up."
Today, As Kevin is attempting to capture votes to become Speakership of the House, we don't know if he is a turkey or a ham. He's known to be a back-slapper, friendly guy who makes deals with his fellow congressman, but he's also known for making deals that end up being more of an unwich than an understanding.
Kevin is no stranger to singing for his supper, as demonstrated by his constant caving on far-ranging conditions, even those that render his power as Speaker as authoritative as someone eating an egg salad blandwich. I'm not opposed to a tune or two myself when necessary, but a song that sucks is no song to be sung, and neither do I want a bad sandwich, even one Kevin just made up.
The short-hand analysis is this. If politics is a long game, Kevin McCarthy is getting exactly what he should've expected.
Nothing.
It was two years ago when Kevin McCarthy stood in front of Congress and said Trump "bears responsibility" for the January 6th riots. Yet, only a few days later, he rushed down to Mar a Lago to tell Trump he loved him forever and for always. Since then, his relationship with Trump, and it seems everyone else, continued in the same fashion. Up and down until someone gets tired.
I will hand it to him, though. If you ever want to get something done, you're going to have to ask Kevin McCarthy to do it because he'll do nearly anything to get a vote for speaker. But after caving on nearly every concession, including an opportunity to call a vote to remove him at any time and reportedly an offer to clean Matt Gaetz's house in a french maid outfit every Wednesday for the next two years, he still couldn't secure his vote to become Speaker.
As of Thursday morning, Kevin has conceded even further – it's unclear if his concessions will aid Matt Gaetz in his sex trafficking plans, but they will make it easier for Kevin to get screwed – even a single member of the House can call a vote for his removal as of Thursday's deal.
Here's why he finds himself here. Because when every deal you make is followed by a deal with someone else to overwrite the previous, people stop making deals with you. And that's where he stands in the House right now. Hopefully, he has a decent sandwich in his lunch bag to get him through the day.
That's it for this week.
May your weekends be restful and your sandwiches tasty. As always, thank you for inviting me into your inbox each week.
Have a great weekend!