Made To Stick
Or not sticky enough? It's this week's news.
Hey Friends,
Of course, this week’s biggest news is in New Hampshire.
Obviously, I'm talking about a man who was reunited with his duck in Salem, NH.
The Headline:
Salem police reunite missing pet duck found wandering alone with owner
According to reports, the duck was rescued while wandering alone with its owner, while apparently also missing. But the two are flocking together again, — again.
Good morning. Welcome to the latest issue of The Lorem Ipsum
In other news, Donald Duck Trump won the First in The Nation primaries.
While Niki Haley may have lost the New Hampshire primary, she might still be a vampire.
I'll get to that in a minute...
But first, let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 04 of 2024
The Primary Primer
We'll start with a quick rundown of the highlights of the first of many Primaries, just following the Iowa Caucus last week. The state motto is "Live free or die," and in this case, more people picked the latter, pushing Donald Trump across the line as the state's pick for the Republican nominee. New Hampshire is known as the Switzerland of America, but they were anything but neutral. So open up a Bud Light Lime because it's the closest thing they'll have to Switzerland's drink, Absinthe, which is a close second on a hot day. Here are the highlights, taking place in the state that holds the record as the first place I ever drove on a roundabout.
Mr. Ron Des-Can'tis. His slogan, "No We Can't" (or some variation thereof), didn't pay off, so he dropped out of the race on Sunday. Ronald couldn’t reach the steering wheel of his own campaign even with his lifts. He threw in the towel and then endorsed Trump with just enough ire to ensure we knew he was not happy about losing. (more)
Mrs. Tim Scott. Tim Scott, a longtime bachelor, finally snagged his Proverbs 31-ready fiance, getting engaged earlier this week. Shortly after liking it and putting an engagement ring on it, he tried to make love to Donald Trump on stage instead. (more)
Mr. Write In. Biden was not on the ballot in New Hampshire unless you put him there. And, in fact, some of you New Hampshire voters did. Enough that he won as a write-in candidate, which indicates a weakness for Trump in the general election. If someone takes the time to leave the house in this weather, there's probably a lot more where they came from. (more)
There's more about the Primaries in this week's Feature.
Oscar Nom Nom
I'm used to an Oscar snub, as I've been snubbed at least two years in a row. But so far, Best Newsletter Writeor or Writeress are categories that get very little attention anyway. I'm in good company, though. Greta Gerwig was passed up for Best Director for Barbie, even though objectively, she was the best director from a box office success standpoint.
Similarly, Margo Robbie, who played the main character in the biggest movie of the year, will not be "Red Carpet Barbie," this time around, having been passed up for Best Actress. She didn't even get Best Looking Actress. However, her Ken co-star Ryan Gosling was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, a role my Dad could have played in his sleep (and probably is at this very moment – my father and mother's names are Ken and Barbie, respectively – no joke).
Oppenheimer received the most nominations, at 13 nominations, but when measured by minutes of footage, it was actually probably just an average number of nominations. Critics say the move is a blast, so I imagine the competition will be blown away. (more)
Border Problems
You really ought to watch this video. Mitt Romney, a man who in 2012 would have been called a Republican (today, referred to as "usually is honest"), just called out Trump for his plan to stop Republicans from solving the border crisis so he can blame it on Biden. McConnell made it clear he remains firm (not referring to him stiffening up on camera) on his plans to make a deal. Trump, however, wants to help himself. (more)
News About News
This week, layoffs riddled the news industry, including a 20% cut of labor at the LA Times. The question is whether the people who wrote about it are on the chopping block, too. It was hard to say until the article ended with "f$%^ this sh@#$," which suggests the reporters involved in the story were not happy about the plan to reduce the workforce. LinkedIn, on the other hand, does seem to be experiencing a small spike in posts with the terms "humbled" and "honored." Plus, the jobs report was the best since 3rd quarter of 2022.
There won't be anyone to fact-check this, though, after recent layoffs.
You can rest assured The Lorem Ipsum has already cut its staff to the bone by having none other than yours truly. You can keep me in business by upgrading if you value the good work we I do here. (more)
John Stewart is Back
The Daily Show hasn’t been funny for years. Pretty soon, it’s going to continue to be not funny because John Stewart is returning to host the show on Mondays and serve as executive director. Honestly, I value John's work despite being 100% serious about the content of this Take. (more)
That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.
Made To Stick
Feature Story
Stikki Haley was not sticky enough. To make matters worse, she's one of the hangers on, or rather, the only one left hanging. If Trump were a normal candidate, or better put, the non-normal candidate he is, but without all the legal jeopardy, I, and literally everyone else, would say she is wasting her time and should drop out. But should any one of the criminal cases find its way to disqualifying the former president from being the future one, Nikki will be next in line to take the leftovers of a nomination. She's not the only one practicing wishful thinking. She has outraised Trump in the last half of 2023, according to her super PAC.
The honest truth is there's no question who will be the nominee. Nikki has no chance of winning the nomination unless something otherworldly happens. Strangely, we are living in some kind of otherworld right now. Is it the one where the impossible is possible enough for Nikki to stay in the race? Is it the one where Nikki Haley is a vampire? Both of these are good questions, and I wrote about exactly that this very week.
Daniel Herndon
The article explores her chances at winning the primaries, but more importantly, that she may be, as some would say, a vampire. Some would say this is my best writing. Others say it’s my most pointless. I agree with both. It was released on the eve of the New Hampshire primary, and the conclusion was already clear.
Or is it?
Here is an excerpt:
Vampires are the revenants of evil beings. They can be created by malevolent spirits of those who were lost at sea, only to claw their way back to land. They may be someone who was murdered in a struggle between two adversaries who came face to face in a sordid love affair. They may be suicide victims or the eternal manifestation of witches. But one thing vampires do not do is lie. They do not need to. It suits them better to tell you the truth as it is. This is what we see from Nikki consistently, and this is perhaps the greatest proof that she is indeed a vampire. To win this primary, and yay, even this election, Nikki will need to convince people to believe something, anything, even if it is true.
Too often, people do not want to hear the truth from their politicians. They want to hear what makes them feel right, even when they are objectively wrong. In Nikki's case, she is too sincere. She's direct, honest, and absent of the wretched rhetoric that characterizes most politicians. There is no way she could be human and a politician at the same time. Does this point to the answer we've been looking for? You decide.
But the real decision is the election we are in, barreling towards a November 7th election that will be devastating for some and, at best, a relief for others. The question is whether this is simply the election we deserve or, worse, the one we actually want.
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum: When it absolutely, positively, has to be there Friday morning.
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Have a great weekend!
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