Measles Wins

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except those of you who have looked at the stock market this week.

If you follow the news, you know that the notable blood moon that we saw last night was really, really big news — that was basically overlooked entirely.

If you wanted to catch this story, you had two choices.

Scroll to the bottom of some Yahoo! website, or simply wait for me to report on the story here at The Lorem Ipsum, which some say is the only reliable news source on the web.

My advice to the Moon's PR team? Try to get the attention of the Trump administration. Make it about him.

Perhaps the Moon could be submitted for consideration as the 53rd US state (still ahead of Puerto Rico). If all goes well, the US Emperor will pair the new territory up with other colored colonies like Greenland and change its name to 'Orange Moon' in the takeover.

Anyway, we're going to cover some of the latest acts of the administration this week because what else is there to talk about?

For the record, this issue basically wrote itself.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 11 of 2025

Hit The Spots

After a breakout in a Mennonite community, measles is finally back after 10 years. Thankfully, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., our nations highest ranking health official, is acting fast by encouraging families to eat cod liver oil, a remedy that might be confirmed effective by the NIH if enough of those civil servants standing in the way are fired. Kennedy said, "At this point, we're recommending people get vaccinated," after which he proceeded to talk about the dangers of vaccination and the benefits of vitamin A, B, Q and others. He also celebrated the benefits of a variety of alternative remedies like eating french fries made in beef tallow. Almost certainly the solution to America's health problems — eat more fries. This time with tallow.

To be fair, there is a chance that some of the home remedies work or at least help, but it's hard to know if Kennedy is a reliable source, given his history of promoting vaccine skepticism and junk science. But who can you trust? Can you trust 60 years of scientific research? Sounds made up to me. Trust a guy who survived with a worm in his head? Sounds like the messiah.

I’m still skeptical of anyone like Kennedy, though. It was Kennedy's generation that gave us the measles vaccine, but it was also his generation that gave us egg salad sandwiches, and we see how that turned out. It is widely known to be not only the grossest but also the most expensive sandwich in the world. I'm not taking any chances. (more)

Stop the Illegals

President Trump's tariffs are working, as they’ve been stopping illegal immigration, fentanyl, and even the economy. Thanks to a litany of executive orders, border crossings are lower than they have been since before 2000, almost matching plunges in the stock market over the last week. Analysts called it a "huge dip," which was not just my nickname in high school. It's also what Canadians call Donald Trump right now, as they find they are less appreciative of his trade war antics. Trump did warn us change is hard, but what Wall Street calls the biggest selloff of the year is what Trump calls "a little disturbance". Melania, hearing the phrase, flinched in her sheets, saying, "I thought our contract said otherwise."

Special Ed or Special Dead

The Trump administration cut roughly half the staff at the Department of Education, forcing Jimmy Carter to roll over in his grave, knowing it was the only thing he created that people still enjoy today, if you don't count high gas prices. The administration says the cuts will not affect the funding programs because, thankfully, that will be handled separately by Elon Musk.

I'm still trying to understand the rationale behind gutting this particular program. You see, when Lyndon B Johnson passed the Elementary and Secondary Education Act as part of his "War on Poverty," he said that it was crucial to breaking the cycle of poverty. He pointed out that creating more opportunities for education would lead to people getting out of poverty and starting to vo...

Oh, on second thought, I think I just figured it out. (more)

The Maine Thing

The State of Maine is not only the best place to get lobster and wild low-bush blueberries, but it's also a target for the Trump administration after Gov. Janet Mills declined to break the law to submit to his agenda. Recently, at a White House Event, Trump pressured her to remove a transgender student from a girls' high school pole vault team, or else he would yank her state's federal funding. She said you can shove this pole up your ass – or to quote her more accurately, "I'll see you in court."

She'll see him just about everywhere else, too, because since then, Trump's team has been using every tool it has to attack her state, including the Department of Education, the Department of Health and Human Services, the Social Security Administration, and the Department of Agriculture. And all this over two students who want to put tomatoes in their clam chowder. (more)

Russia Russia Russia

The initial plans for a ceasefire have been reached between the US and Ukraine and are now being carefully reviewed by Russia. Putin hasn't agreed yet, but a deal seems possible if Putin gets a fetish video of Marco Rubio reenacting the Trump versus Zelenski argument in the White House but with a Shakespearian accent. It sounds promising. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is contagious, but a vaccine won't stop it from spreading. The only safe thing to do is pass it on to friends.

Have a great weekend!

Thirty Percent Warmer

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his statistics.

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