Missing the Moon Shot

Hey Friends,

Greetings, people of Earth–many of whom are readers of The Lorem Ipsum–this week, we celebrate a so far successful trip to and from the moon, the $4.1 billion project which brings us one more step closer to debunking the green cheese theory.

The $1.025 billion dollar per ticket price rivals the cost of my plane ticket home from the UK, thanks to oil prices, and I didn't even get to see the dark side of the moon, unless you count a distant view of JFK Airport's Terminal 7 as a close equivalent. The food is similarly priced and just as good.

The crew of Artemis II set off to fly around the moon, almost exclusively propelled by gravity and a total of about 2.5 hours of engine thrust from takeoff to landing, to see parts of the moon that, until recently, were little more than a Pink Floyd album.

NASA Artemis II crew member Victor Glover, looking down on Earth, said, "Trust us, you look amazing. You look beautiful," referring to humanity as one. The space crew doesn’t see black, brown, or white, but a mix forming a medium-tan humanity with an orange pimple, which will go away soon, if we don’t pick at it too much.

Astronauts have been describing the view from space, saying that from far above Earth they can see the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids, and Iran's 10-point plan, and they can even tell it's not a good deal.

Trump said: "Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP"

And then, just hours before his latest deadline, he said: "A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again..."

The deal represents a total loss for Trump if it is agreed to, yet he described it as a win, saying Iran is prepared to negotiate, and it's a reason to put his plans to commit war crimes on hold.

In the eleventh hour, Trump said, "Almost all of the various points of past contention have been agreed to between the United States and Iran, but a two-week period will allow the Agreement to be finalized and consummated."

On a positive note, we now know how much the "free" Qatari plane cost Trump, which is about 13 American servicemen's lives plus about $100 billion to fund a war in Iran.

So to see what Trump might be agreeing to, I've read up. I'll summarize the 10-point plan, right here:

• Control of the Strait of Hormuz — Iran demands continued control of the Strait of Hormuz and that it be renamed to the Straight of Virgin-muz, and asks that we not point out the slight curve in it, please.
• Protocol for governing shipping processes — The plan calls for a formal protocol regarding shipping through the Strait that appears to be inspired by their fundamentalist religious beliefs about men and women. Iran insists that if "barges" or "tankers" thrust their way into the "strait", they avoid doing so from the "rear end" of the body (of water), and that the "seamen" manning the vessels not "splooge" oily substances into the strait, and that they conduct themselves in a professional manner in accordance with Iranian values.
• Also, they may have to pay a toll.
• Non-aggression commitment — Iran calls for a commitment to non-aggression from the US, starting with a request that the first lady stop scowling, and second, that Pete Hegseth not call reporters "rude".
• End of the war on Iran's allies — Iran has demanded that the US end the war against its proxies and restore the memes of Tim-Houthi Chalamet, the handsome boater and terrorist who was intruding on boats back in 2024.
• US military withdrawal — Iran has demanded that the United States withdraw its troops from all bases in the region. According to reports I have access to, the Eisenhower administration has said it is looking into this request and will get back to them "soon."
• Compensation — Full compensation for the damages suffered by Iran, but preferably, they would like to be paid in pistachios and the family-size bag of Doritos from Costco, due to the decline in the value of the US Dollar.
• Sanctions relief — Iran demands the lifting of sanctions and the unfreezing of assets, and they get specific on this one by asking the US to negotiate a reasonable price for Netflix subscriptions, citing that the platform is exercising entertainment-based economic terrorism. Iran also demands that any new price remain in place for at least 6 weeks before the next price increase.
• End of IAEA resolutions — End any resolutions against Iran issued by the IAEA, which is either the agency that oversees the use of atomic energy across the world, or a Swedish furniture company with a cafeteria that sells really tasty meatballs.
• End of UN Security Council resolutions — Iran demands that the UN end all resolutions against them, but would also like to know just what it is they actually do, since it's still kind of unclear, but says that they still don't want resolutions against them, even if they are just the night shift staff of a Waffle House.
• Acceptance of nuclear enrichment — Accept Iran's right to conduct a nuclear enrichment program, and also to admit that the original moon landing was faked.

As you can see, thanks to The Art of the Deal, the war is nowhere near over.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum offers better 10 points than most 10-point deals. Share one each week with your friends, if you really care about them.

Have a great weekend!