Mister Japan

Hey Friends,

We finally got the Epstein files. We waited for months. We made MAGA-looking hats to promote the conspiracy theory.

And inside these luscious pages was a healthy serving of absolutely nothing. Jeffrey Epstein killed himself as previously reported.

All the conspiracy theories have been debunked. Turns out Dan Bongino and Kash Patel are more like Balki and Larry from Perfect Strangers than the ace detectives we once thought.

It’s like finding out the Pillsbury Doughboy isn't ticklish.

The libs have been disowned. The deep state is not as deep as we thought it was. The Secret Service is being renamed to The Obvious Service.

Pam Bondi, the United States Attorney General, spent the first leg of her tenure working on a closed case. She would have fought more crime by making cookies.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 28 of 2025

Floods in Texas

A flood in Texas killed more than 100 people after the Guadalupe River surged by as much as 25 feet. For context, that's the height of roughly 8 of Texas Governor Greg Abbott's wheelchairs stacked one on top of the other.

An all-girls Christian Camp was hit hardest, with young girls and camp counselors being swept away at night. Since the incident, similar floods have hit New Mexico, sweeping away three there as well. Critics blame officials for the catastrophe because the area lacked a sufficient flood warning system. Governor Abbott says winners don't cast blame, especially on him, but for those who think they failed, don't worry, they'll get another chance, because Trump has stripped all efforts to fight climate change.

Poly-Trash

The FBI has stepped up the use of polygraph tests, where employees will be asked whether they have cast any aspersions against Trash Patel... sorry, Kash Patel. If I were subjected to one, I'm certain they would ask me tough questions. Have you ever said anything negative about Mr. Patel? Does Mr. Patel have bulging eyes? Do you think Mr. Patel looks tough carrying around a duty weapon, despite that being unusual since he is not an agent? Were you the one who told the media about this, and is The Lorem Ipsum a satire newsletter, or is it real? I would pass it all. Because, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it. (more)

Party up Front. Musk in the Back.

Elon and Trump were once the best of friends. They expressed their love to each other daily, and had matching social media sites, like matching tattoos, but more annoying. After the shocking downfall of their relationship, Elon was kicked out of the party. So he decided he would create his own. A political party where the deficit is always a priority, and Elon's company contracts won't be neglected. While going to Mars may be easier, he is taking it on anyway. For his new party, called The American Party, the first order of business is to rebrand, since, at least in New York, a political party containing the word "American" in its name is illegal. (more)

Putin Being Ukrained

Also fighting with the President: Vladimir Putin. This week, the expert negotiator shared his frustration with the Russian president's bad-faith negotiations. After Trump's big promises that Vlad would be eating out of his hand, Trump is left to do all the eating on his own – perhaps even his words, if anyone cared that he said them. For a list of all of Trump's negotiating successes, I'll list them all in the space between these two parentheses: ( ). (more)

Pound, But Not Out

The value of the dollar has taken a proper pounding. Experts say the dollar is worth so little that they ask us to pay our bills in Ruffles potato chips, one of the few things in our economy that holds its value, provided the bag remains sealed. Experts say the dollar has shed 10% of its value this year, after years of steady growth. Trump calls it Making Dollars Great Again. (more)

You're Getting Laid (Off)

The Supreme Court is allowing mass federal layoffs, a Trump strategy that had been frozen for several months. Fortunately, no one is concerned about this causing the government to perform any worse. Some departments will still continue lawsuits about the firings, but Trump is no longer prohibited from proceeding with his plans to cut staff. (more)

Dear Mister Japan

Hello, Mr. Japan. If you're reading this, please expect a letter from Donald Trump, the President of the United States. It will be handwritten, have bronze smears on it, and be written in all caps. He plans to negotiate with you about Tariffs, so please plan to be enchanted. Also, Japan (can I call you Japan?), please know that we won't be giving you any more cars. I know you don't really like our cars, but we're taking them away anyway. For more, check your mail for a letter guilded in gold flake, and also check the following interview snippet.

This is hardly the most important News of the week, but it’s content like this that gets the most clicks.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is cheaper by the pound, thanks to the declining value of the US Dollar. While money is cheap, why not upgrade to a paid plan?

Have a great weekend!