Nice to Noem

Hey Friends,

Good morning to all of you, except for the President of South Africa, who spent the morning cleaning spittle off his face, after his gracious host foamed about the mouth in the Oval Office.

It's much like the froth of my own gob when my new lawnmower was delivered. Like Trump, I just couldn't handle myself, so much that I almost peed on the house guests. I would have mowed the lawn already five times this week if it hadn't rained.

What happened to Old Yeller, you ask? Well, just as quickly as I celebrated the long life of the former Lawn Force One, it gave up the ghost and gave up on my lawn for good. On the slope of a mud slick, I was stopped as a belt snapped for the last time.

My new companion has LED lights, so I can cut at night when there is less traffic. It is so decked out, some have referred to this new machine as "a Palace on the Lawn," not dissimilar from the "Palace in the Sky" that Trump accepted from Qatar this week. The new Lawn Force One features a higher seat back, a zero-turn radius, and a luxurious cup holder. It wasn't donated by a terrorist state, but it will allow me to travel in style (within the yard).

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 21 of 2025

Just Say I Don't Noem

Back in November, the people asked for someone to take office who would remove as many brown people as possible. Few who voted for immigration reform knew that the approach would better resemble George Bush's torture tactics than a simple cleaning of the house. To be clear, brown people asked for it, too. But to be fair, if you or your parents followed the rules, and struggled to make it, and someone who breaks the rules ends up with free housing and a spending account, I can imagine why you would consider that unfair.

But let's get real, what's more unfair is that someone makes a simple mistake, and then the media zeros in on it for the whole week. But sometimes you can't pass it up, so I won't.

This week, Kristi Noem was asked in front of Congress if she knew what Habeas Corpus meant. At first, when I heard Kristi talk about Habeas Corpus, I thought she was saying she was referring to the body of a dead dog, since I already know her as a dog killer, but then I realized that was probably something like "Perritos Corpus" or something. If she intended to refer to her boss's sagging skin, the term she was looking for is "Flabbious Corpus."

As you may know, Habeas Corpus is a fish plate at the Mexican restaurant down the street from my house, and it is a lunch special on Wednesdays, typically. It’s also a constitutional term – one that Kristi Noem doesn’t know. She said it was "a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country," but we all know it’s protection from unlawful detainment and is "a privilege which shall not be suspended unless The Lorem Ipsum is not delivered on time on a Friday.” I'm surprised Noem got this one wrong. (more)

The Fart of the Deal

The House passed a deal by a margin of one vote, which represents Trump's economic agenda. He bullied his party, came to their closed-door meetings on Capitol Hill, called the holdouts to his office, and sent them to their rooms to think about what they'd done. He got what he needed at this stage.

His Big Beautiful Bill is not a hairy uncle. It's his term of endearment for his economic agenda. The bill will continue tax cuts, and then add to them. It would scale back Medicaid, slash food stamps, and increase military spending, including that used to pursue immigration enforcement, and it would reduce education funding and raise the debt ceiling by $4 trillion. Ultimately, it will add to the deficit, according to these nonpartisan sources, including increasing the annual deficit compared to the status quo. The deal now faces the Senate, which leaves it uncertain for now.

Trump's whole life is about making deals. From puberty to St. Peter, everything is a deal. A deal with God, and a deal with the Devil. From hair plugs to hand measure, everything is a negotiation for his benefit, and of the truth within it. "It's all just one big deal," as he explained. I might know, as I, too, according to some, am a big deal. Although perhaps not in the same way.

His presidency has been a big deal for the USA and even the world, because we get a new autocracy and entertaining TV all in one. But in the case of the most important and high-profile negotiations, he has not been able to make any deal happen. Putin, by the looks of it, has played him, and to mark a win, Trump is forced to walk away from any deal and say that is what he wanted all along, because the appearance that he cannot make a deal is worse than the fact of it.

There's still a war in Ukraine, another in Gaza, and a form of one in Iran, and in every other country, if you count trade wars. And most have moved little more than an inch. But an inch is a big deal when no movement was intended.

And this is how he makes deals. Trump starts with a wild anchor proposal. 4,945% tariffs, taking over every European Union country until the 77th state, deporting every immigrant that ever walked the earth. Wherever we land, it will feel like an inch to the miles he opened with. So when we look at the surface, we might say "some dealmaker he is" because he can't even get to the end of his own mile. But we should be mindful, in case we look back and see we've moved inches, we long said we never would.

Groin' Crazy

This news about Joe Biden is nuts. First, he’s running for president, then some staffer whispers “wheelchair,” and next thing you know, he decides he’s out. This week, we learned he has aggressive prostate cancer, which has spread to his bones. While many are wondering if this was known before the election, according to U.S. penile code, he wasn't required to disclose his private health condition.

Sources tell us that the news has not left the Biden family without hope, but it has rectum. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: If you experience unwanted pressure, burning, or frequent discomfort at night, it might be an urge to share The Lorem Ipsum with friends. Share this episode with someone you care about today.

Have a great weekend!