Penny Marshaled
Saving money by making less of it. And all the ways the Musk Administration is making money great again.
Hello Dear Reader,
Is the media out to get you?
I say Yes.
At least, in my case, it is. The Lorem Ipsum exists only to manipulate.
Ideally, I want to distort your view of reality and convince you, through your paid subscription, to feed me with Five Guys burgers and fresh-cut fries for the rest of my life while I feed you with false narratives.
I'm kidding, but let's think about the media.
According to Gallup News (a.k.a. the media), two-thirds of people don't trust the media. I know the polls are bullshit, but I'm pretty sure they got this one right.
Some say the media’s purpose is to distort reality for profit and power. But is this skeptical view of the media entirely reasonable?
Do people start their career saying, "When I grow up, I want to wrest control over weak-minded people who enjoy politics, so I can enable Bill Gates to implant chips in them to collect completely useless data?"
Do manufacturing companies aspire to destroy water supplies with runoff chemicals? Or do they simply ignore the unintended outcomes because they can make widgets and get paid? Such is the case with journalism.
The trouble with news is that it's written by people just as impressionable as those who read it. When we blame them for it, we're holding the authors to a standard no one has ever achieved before. It's better when we know how to read the news – and how not to.
That's why opinion journalism, like The Lorem Ipsum, is the purest form of news. It's news without the burden of accuracy. When done well, the author presents the facts you need, and when he is pushing a narrative, he does it openly.
Be careful what you read.
Let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 7 of 2025
Volcanic Corruption
Yesterday, a Manhattan U.S. attorney resigned rather than drop the corruption charges against New York City mayor Eric Adams, evidently not aware that criminal conduct is a prerequisite to serving in public office.
The acting official at the Justice Department, Emil Bove III, ordered the case to be dropped for openly political reasons – because the only thing more important than fighting corruption is deporting hotel cleaning staff. No court time for Eric, for he is needed elsewhere. Our beans won't refry themselves! Send out a press release to get the word out. Washington made a deal.
It echoes of the time when Ted Kennedy promoted the Chappaquiddick Incident with a LinkedIn advertising campaign, saying, "I killed a hot 28-year-old secretary while drunk driving. Here's how I did it."
In government, the cheap seats require proof of unpaid parking tickets, while the price to get access to the best seats calls for years of embezzling, hopefully with a few negligent homicides along the way. Kill a career civil servant, and you might serve 8 years to life – in elected office, that is. I'm reminded of a Richard Nixon quote, "I am a crook."
Musk Make Money
Elon Musk has prepared a financial disclosure, which will not be made public, but I have it on good authority that he has invested in portable mattresses and placed them in every one of his companies, including the "StatesX," his new name for the United States Government. (more)
Among all the innovative ways that our government is cutting costs, the latest is that the penny is finally canceled. The reasons cited by the Trump administration include that it’s not worth what it costs to make it and, of course, because it’s brown. Personally, I’ve never had a problem with the penny because I don’t see color. Sometimes, I'll even mistake a dime for a penny when tipping the bellboy at the hotel.
The good news is, if all goes well, the savings from penny-pinching might pay for the $400 million federal contract to buy Tesla trucks, a contract that was edited to hide the word "Tesla" from the document. (more)
Lest Ye Be Federally Judged
The Trump administration has made several controversial moves, not just because they are hotly debated topics but also because they are most likely illegal. Federal judges have shut down Trump's actions to block funding and had to slap him yet again for ignoring the first slap. They said, "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you," but in the end, it hurt us the most. (more)
Un-Cease Fire
Israel has told Hamas that the ceasefire will end if they do not release all remaining hostages by Saturday. In a parallel announcement, Trump insisted he will (through that beautiful word tariffs) put pressure on Egypt and Jordan to take all 2 million Palestinians so "we" can rebuild Gaza, which he calls "My Precious." Trump said about the strip of land, "Yesss, we takes Gaza, precious! It’s a nasty, war-crushed place, yesss. But we takes it, we do. We holds it, we keeps it safe, yess… we cherish it, we do!" (more)
Kendrick Spirits
If you watched the Super Bowl, you know not only Taylor Swift lost the game, but so did her NFL boyfriend Travis Kelce and his BFF-NFL friend Patrick 'Oh Ma Gawd' Mahomes (nickname made up by me). Thanks to Kendrick, flare-leg jeans are now officially back (which I still refuse to wear; I forsake my skinny jeans for no one). The stage show was filled with visuals that appeared to be a commentary on a divided America, and if Lamar's beef with Drake tells us anything, it's that we are strongly divided. You can see the show again here: (watch)
That's it for this week.
Remember: Most news sources are only as good as the facts they bring to the story. But The Lorem Ipsum is usually better.
Have a great weekend!