Pie Trying

Hey Friends,

In the future, someone will present you with two pies.

Everyone likes pies, and for those who don’t, the unsubscribe button is below.

So, anyway, you’ll be offered two pies placed on train tracks on either side of a fork in the road. Your job is to select the pie that will be destroyed and the one upon which you will pounce to consume in full. Strike first, exercise later. You like pie, and this is no time to show off your restraint.

To you, both pies sound good, as described. The steamy, warm filling, the sweet and salty crust, the presence of large amounts of butter encrusted in sugar. Trust me. You’ll be tempted by these pies. And you know you’ll be destroying a freshly baked pie in the wake of choosing another because you can only save one. 

Why are these pies on train tracks? Because this is the trolly problem, only with pie. Why are you faced with such an oppressive choice? And why are you completely naked while you're forced into this scenario? Easy. Because this is a dream, I'm its author, and that’s how it’s written.

People have struggled with the trolly problem since shortly after the invention of the trolly, and yet we consistently reduce tough problems in this manner. I've written about it before. 

The struggles don’t end when you replace the vulnerable children tied to the train tracks with freshly baked pies. It’s still tough to choose between two warm pies, just as it is to choose which lives to save. When watching from afar, everyone thinks they have the answer to the problem, but after a moment's reflection, any stable human realizes when he’s faced with an impossible challenge. 

Unfortunately, Elon Musk is not a stable human. He is taking on a trolly problem of his own, and he thinks he can happily destroy both pies like some kind of psychopath and simply create new pies for a fraction of the cost. 

But pie is hard to make. Good pie is even harder. That’s why I trust a blueberry farmer to make my blueberry filling. For the apples? I’ll leave that to the orchard. I could churn my own butter, but I won’t because my hands would get tired, and I don't have a cute enough apron.

A good pie doesn't cook any faster when you sleep on a cot next to the oven. If you trim out a sliver of the pie that equals about 1% of the total pie, you still have to figure out how to make the pie, and now you have to do it with 1% fewer apples or coconut cream filling – the pie pan is still the same size, and now you have a new problem to solve.

Finally, when it is done, if it ever is, choosing which one to eat and which to destroy is the hardest of these tasks, and even if the decision must be made, it is important not to take it lightly because it takes a lot of people a lot of time to make a good pie.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 6 of 2025

Gaza Stripped

Donald Trump announced that he was taking over Gaza, and then his staff walked back those comments, and then Trump doubled down on them again. Benjamin Netanyahu called the plan a "remarkable idea" and said that the people of Gaza can leave their land "if they want." The two world leaders have been negotiating the deal with the help of a guy in Boston who owns a sandwich shop, noting that as a retail business owner, his understanding of commercial real estate and his seasoned experience expressing opinions about Red Sox games have sufficiently equipped him to aid in the negotiations. Unfortunately, the people of Gaza weren't invited to participate in the planning. (more)

CAAN'T Resist

The NCAA announced that it is excluding transgender athletes from women's sports, following Trump's lead in an executive order that she signed the day before. To announce the change, NCAA officials engaged the platoon from Saving Private Ryan to wade through over 500,000 athletes so they could inform both of the athletes affected by the policy. To comment on the topic, The Lorem Ipsum reached out to a feminist from 1978 named Mary Daly, who said, "Almost everything has been stolen from us by the patriarchy." As a side note, we also attempted to connect with Alanis Morissette from whenever, in the 90s, she became famous with her first album, Jagged Little Pill, but an unnamed source said she was too busy going down on someone in a theatre. (more)

InstaGrammys

The Grammys aired earlier this week despite talks to skip this year in light of LA Wild Fires. The show was hosted by Trevor Noah, and the building’s janitorial service was provided by a guy named Neil, who was equally if not more memorable than Trevor. 

The Lorem Ipsum eyed the red carpet to see what looks stood out. I give Taylor Swift the award for best dressed. Kanye West’s wife was best undressed. Billie Eillish gets an uncontested pick for worst dressed and Chappell Roan gets “makeup job most likely to cause a breakout.” 

This year brought Beyoncé best country album, and her first award of album of the year, after years of being beaten by better albums created by better artists. Thankfully, Jay Z’s complained last year that it isn’t fair to be worth a billion dollars and not even have an album of the year to go with your collection.

Agreed. It’s total bullshit.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum believes in using real butter and sharing pie with friends. Enjoy this issue over a slice with a friend.

Have a great weekend!