Playing Harvard Ball

Hey Friends,

The internet is now filled with realistic videos created by AI.

I told you this would happen. Back when you converted your outdoor fire pit to gas, I told you we were approaching the end of anything real. What? You can't even use real wood?

All it took was a tiny little combustion engine, and you've lost your whole grip on reality. And now, everywhere you go is by car, and walking is now considered a sport for "exercise."

The innovators created one single wheel, and next thing you know, you're obsessed and headed to Zion National Park.

I mean, seriously? We have fire invented for five minutes, and now you're trying to use it for literally everything? Cooking, pottery, jet engines, climate control, lighting?

And email? Now there's email? What will happen to all the mailmen?

Reality doesn't exist anymore – and if I can just say it – it's your fault.

This video proves it.

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Sure, we're using these new inventions in a lot of great ways, but what if they get into the wrong hands? Can you imagine what someone would do with fire? Or a wheel? A tool like that could be terrible in the hands of a tyrant.

The only glimmer of hope I can offer is that when everyone has access to the same tools, the tools become irrelevant.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 22 of 2025

DOGE-ed a bullet.

I frequently hear that people are looking for "good news" instead of all this depressing news, like about wars in Gaza, the US transition to Fascism, or any reason to have to mention the name "Doug Burgum." But today, I get to give you good news. Elon Musk is leaving his role in the government as the director of DOGE, and hopefully, the Government can now operate without a four-year-old named after a math equation mucking up all our stuff. From here on out, when someone talks about Asperger's, they're talking about the President's dinner.

Having successfully slashed all the savings, it's time for Musk to go back to cutting something at his own companies. Musk said his goal was met, except unfortunately, it was in reverse. Now, with the help of the House, trillions are being added to the deficit, assuming their Big Beautiful Bill is passed.

Fortunately, Musk did save taxpayers money by convincing them to stop buying his products, as sales and stock value dropped. Elon said confidently that it is possible to save $1 trillion, but based on pure math, it is not, without changing the law. DOGE can only save that much money by breaking it. (more)

Proper Training

This week, Harvard faced additional scrutiny from the Trump administration for not adhering to what he calls American values, which, of course, includes taking your coffee with cream and sugar (never black) and a love for absolute freedom of speech on government-approved topics.

Trump, of late, has sparred back and forth with Harvard, demanding that they submit to his policies or lose government grants, to which Harvard has claimed their right to free speech is being violated. Trump says the University promotes "woke" values, permits antisemitism, and admits too many international students. Instead, Trump suggests that the university should be teaching students more valuable academic interests, like developing technology for more energy-efficient gas chambers, a useful resource for Trump's deportation goals, or funding research into how Corn Flakes reduces sexual desire. Plus, a special request, can we make sure to get more blonde-haired, blue-eyed people pushed through admissions? Who is the Führer going to pardon in 20 years if this marginalized group doesn't carve out their path to earning their millions before cheating on their taxes?

According to rumors, there are suggestions on how Harvard should operate, including a proposal for new classes teaching students how to blend in with their fair skinned friends. Students are taught to eat extra-large portions of Mac N' Cheese, are asked to wave people through stop signs with two fingers, and learn how to use tax code to their advantage. The students who thrive in this class use terms like "When in Rome" and "Personal responsibility" and insist to their house cleaners that they didn't have to take this job. Bonus points for creative use of the term "bootstraps." A quick disclaimer: the views in this Take are Mein. (more)

Killed in Action

Israel announced that it had killed Hamas leader Mohammed Sinwar. A spokesperson said that they were able to confirm his identity by process of elimination after removing his body from under the bodies of dozens of women and children. (more)

Pay to Play

This week, pardons are on sale for $1 million as Trump has pardoned his donors, including two reality TV stars convicted of bank fraud. They had it coming. Both the jail time and the pardon. I take no sides, but I do love a good sale. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum always appreciates being pardoned from your spam folder and being shared with friends.

Have a great weekend!