Pope and Change
And the best investment I've ever made continues to pay off better than nearly every investment on the financial market.
Hey Friends,
Good morning to everyone who doesn't have to cut the grass today.
Some say that a membership to The Lorem Ipsum is one of the best investments you can make when you calculate the return.
But even I have to admit to one investment which continues to be ahead of nearly all others.
Longtime readers will remember Lawn Force One.
Despite her age and tattered edges, she continues to operate as intended, and sometimes slightly better, evidenced by less smoke. I bought Lawn Force One for $100 back in 2022 from a neighbor who happens to be a financial advisor. Doing so put an end to $60 a week for lawncare, and prevented the larger purchase of a new machine for thousands of dollars, all with one lick of a thumb.
Even after replacing the wheels, my dollar cost average still has me ahead of every other motorized investment I've ever made, and by percentage, probably better than the stock market has performed in a generation. Even if I bothered to change the oil, I'd probably still be ahead.
For what it's worth, my friend knows investing, and he tells me I made the right move. When it comes to your membership to The Lorem Ipsum, you should too.
Let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 19 of 2025
Meet the Presbyter
If you’re catholic, you’ve been on the edge of your seat all week, you've put your cousin and her wife on hold and your birth control on ice, as you wait to find out who the next Pope is. Many have crossed their fingers or placed bets on what will be a sin next week. No matter what is the same yesterday, today, and forever, the Pontiff isn't, and if Francis is any tell, that's not the only thing that will change.
The wait is over, and the holy spirit has come in like a rushing mighty wind from the Windy City. The first holy father to come from the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Unfortunately, my vote did not stick. Cardinal Pizzaballa 🍕, whose name will be his most holy feature, won't rise like the dough ungirding his namesake. His would-be holiness is Italian and comes with extra cheese. With Pizzaballa, communion comes with pepperoni. But as a Pope, if one is to change his name, the Church and God himself wouldn't want to see Pizza get lost in the brick oven that is the Sistine Chapel. Instead, the Conclave chose Robert Francis Prevost, who would then choose the name Pope Leo XIV. Given his midwest roots, he has asked to be called Ope Leo XIV.
As an American and a non-Catholic, I continue to wait for a Scoopy-Do ending to Conclave, where Pope Leo takes off his mask, and we see that the new Pope is actually Trump. In less than a week, Pete Hegseth will be administering the communion wine, and Matt Gaetz will be watching over the altar boys and girls, and the only one who won't show up to church will be the First Lady. God bless us all, if that really is his name. (more)
NPRen’t
Trump has passed an executive order calling for the end of government funding for public radio. To be clear, an executive order is like a really long Tweet (or Truth Social Post). It has no legal power of its own. Congress will have to pass a law to change any funding, but such a bill has been set in motion.
Republicans' biggest complaint with federal funding of public radio is its bias. The order explains that the news provided by NPR is left-leaning, and critics pointed to Mr. Snuffleupagus, who looks similar to an elephant, a Democrat party symbol. Critics explain that public funding shouldn't be used to fund media outlets, unless it's to buy TikTok or support the Trump-loving OAN network.
In response to the threat of funding cuts, Elmo has been put on administrative leave and is expected to be laid off permanently if the funding cuts go through. According to reports in Washington, DOGE has cancelled a program to bake cookies, leaving Cookie Monster without his main source of nutrition. Similarly, DOGE has cut budgets for garbage cans, but with Oscar the Grouch now heaping trash on city streets, costs have actually gone up. (more)
I've covered government fights with Sesame Street in the past. Here's an article about the time Ted Cruz attacked Big Bird.
Daniel Herndon
Secretly Canadian
This week, Trump met with the new Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, who talked about our valuable economic partnership between Canada and the US and complimented America's relentless focus on the American worker. Then Trump talked about someone using a big ruler to draw the border line between Canada and the US. Carney insisted that, according to the owners of the country, its citizens, Canada was not for sale. (more)
P8sswordG@te
Pete Hegseth's passwords were leaked on the internet after his devices were hacked. According to reports, he reused passwords so it would be easy to remember, including his iCloud password being dr@nk2021, apparently referring to his favorite pastime and the year he turned 21. The same password was used to access his grocery delivery account and his OnlineLiquour.com account. For Door Dash, the password was EyeL0v3P@mBlond1e.
Defenders of Pete argue that it's hard to remember a lot of passwords when you're on the sauce. When you stick with a consistent password that is simple to remember, even when you're incredibly drunk, and borrowing someone else's phone to sign into your Signal account, you can still sign in without trouble. (more)
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum knows that the first cut is the deepest, when it comes to grass, one-liners, and newsletters, so be a better friend and share someone their first copy of The Lorem Ipsum today.
Have a great weekend!