The Weekly

Presidential Debased

Interviewing a gray squirrel, Sham Wow, and The Worm. All in this week's news.

Daniel Herndon

May 17, 2024 • 7 min read

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Hey Friends,

We all want to see our dreams come true, but some days, our dreams are bigger than our pillows.

Other days are crisp, like the drums on Easy Lover. Those are the days when we discover that we have become the person we've always wanted to see in the mirror.

In my case, that was this past week when a reader said, "So let me just thank you again for... fact-based journalism (and a little humor always helps)."

It’s always been my goal to offer fact-based reporting with humor if it's even possible.

I'm glad you can take it—the jokes and the facts—because that's what I'm here for.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 20 of 2024

Alitoe The Line

This week, we learned that Justice Samuel Alito, a Supreme Court judge, had an upside-down flag flying above his home back in January of 2021 as a protest to the election – inverted flags are often used as a 'Stop the Steal' symbol. It was first discovered by a gray squirrel. Fortunately, thanks to the investigative reporting of your team here at The Lorem Ipsum, we've been able to get an exclusive interview with the very squirrel who initially broke the story.

The squirrel, who goes by Zach, tells us, "I was shocked when I saw the flag." He says, "I live in Baltimore, but I come here to Alexandria on weekends for the nuts. I just didn't know Justice Alito was one of them!"

Zach explains that he is known for finding some of the best nuts to share with friends, who call him "Nut Zach," but he says he's normally not political.

"It's a conflict of interest," Zach explains. "I don't let politics get between me and my nuts. I'm just here to climb a few trees and share a few stones with you, bro. It doesn't matter to me whether you like acorns or walnuts."

Alito blames the inverted flag on the old ball and chain. He said that Mrs. Alito had a dispute with one of the neighbors who had some anti-Trump signs, and she hung their inverted flag in response. Alito says that although his significant other totally believes the election was stolen, and it "totally seems like her to react this way," he can be totally objective. When asked to review cases regarding the election itself and Trump's immunity in trying to overturn it, Alito tells us that we can "totally trust him."

(note: Some of the above quotes are hearsay, but the story is true. We're still investigating exact quotes, but you can read more on this story here.)

A Scene of gray squirrel, Zach of Baltimore, MD, observing Justice Alito's inverted flag

Sham Wow

Michael Cohen is a liar, a cheat, and a scoundrel. The kind who keep bad company and make it their career goal to work for the same. Those who don't remember Cohen can check his LinkedIn, where we calls himself "Husband, Father, Felon, Fixer | Strategic Advisor to Presidential Candidates with Fidelity Problems." This is the star witness testifying against Donald Trump in his hush-money. A Cohen, along with a porn star, are the Pope and Mother Theresa compared to the man they are testifying against.

In 2019, Cohen served a 3-year prison sentence for campaign finance violations and bank fraud related to the work he did on behalf of Trump. On the stand, it was the prosecution's mandate to simply point that out. On the other hand, the defense would have to cast him as a liar and cheat who cries in public. The witness conceded, but the jury will have to decide whether the overwhelming facts should be believed or if Trump should. Much more complicated is whether it was a crime.

Unfortunately, the trial hasn't been able to garner most of the TV moments we look for in a high-profile case since no cameras are allowed in the courtroom, and Trump himself has mostly been asleep. But the reporters in the room looked for every moment they could highlight, including the grilling Cohen received from the prosecuting attorney Todd Blanche. According to notes I'm seeing, Blanche grew frustrated as he questioned Cohen, to the point of reaching a falsetto, almost Jerry Seinfeld-like tone in his voice. Reports are conflicting on whether he made comments like "I don't wanna be a pirate" or similar, but he did definitely say, “You called me a crying little shit, didn’t you?” to which Cohen said; “Sounds like something I would say,”

As an armchair judge, I say, "I'll allow it."

Also appearing at the courthouse were several congressional leaders with their own criminal aspirations, including Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and Ohio Senator JD Vance. Johnson put himself out there like Johnson does to support the president and by being a good evangelical who stands up for family values, except when forbidden by Trump. (more)

Gaza Strip Search

If you live in the Gaza Strip, you have a 1.6% chance of being dead right now and a 0.5% chance that your death was made up entirely through a method called "guestimation," a standard used to estimate the cost of a new roof when you really want to make sure it's $30,000. It's also the method used to establish the exact number of women and children who died in a violent war you started as a PR campaign. Over the past week, the UN, normally a Palestinian sympathizer, walked back its count of deaths of women and children after finding them no longer dependable. The reason for the discrepancy is that apparently when a terrorist group provides you with narrative boosting data "as a courtesy," it turns out it's not reliable.

Despite the most sophisticated governments in the world not being able to pull off such a feat in their own non-combat cases of public health crises, much less be trusted by their own citizens, Hamas has managed to establish the exact number of casualties down to the severed limb and be trusted worldwide with remarkable confidence. The upshot is that about 10,000 of the Gazan deaths in the ongoing conflict are now in question and under review until better data can be assessed.

Does this make the death toll tolerable? Not at all. It just reminds us that even Hamas doesn't know how many deaths they've caused on their own land. (more)

Dune 24

We don’t need a worm in the Whitehouse, especially if that worm is a president who has another one of the flesh-eating varieties in his brain. Like the sandy villains in Dune, worms hide amongst us, out of sight, but come up from the surface at the sense of any turbulence. Such is the case with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., who revealed that he had a worm in his brain, eating it to mush and causing him brain fog and other symptoms as assigned. He may be a worm survivor, but his vibrato will make us question whether survival is a spectrum.

As I explained in my article Irrational Fears, RFK preys on ours. I fully expect that if faced with the man, he would pepper me by 'just asking the questions' of whether sharks were a population control method of the government, my irrational fear. It would sound very good, very convincing, and just a little bit raspy, and many would fall for it. But after doing in-depth research on many of his claims and documenting it on this site, I wouldn't, and neither should you.

Unfortunately, this worm didn't stoke the right fears. But RFK says that at 70 years old, even with worm rot, he can still beat his upperclassmen.

If you want to see some drama with the 2024 election, look for RFK Jr to lose but win enough votes to help another candidate lose with him. Current polls suggest that Biden is on the losing side of the table with him, but as May is still five months from November, all of this can change. Especially if the debates, now scheduled for June, have any efficacy and sway voters. (more)