Prose and Cons

Hey Friends,

This week, I developed a list to help me prepare my ballot.

Election Day is coming up in 10 days, so it’s time to make sure you know who’s on the ballot. I’m reviewing local candidates and national candidates, including some guy named Ireland, who is using a four-leaf clover as a logo, versus a guy named Dominique, who got a degree online from the University of Phoenix.

You can use my criteria to grade any candidate on your ballot, but for the purposes of this illustration, I’ve selected two candidates at random. Former president and game show host Donald Trump and current Vice President and Coconut Tree Fanatic, Kamala Harris.

Policies

There are a lot of policy matters to focus on when you're in elected office, so I like to jot down the key policies that are important for the time to help weigh my decision when I enter the voting booth.

Character

First, we need to talk about character. It's important to know that you are electing someone whose values you can stand behind.

Experience

Experience is essential, too. That's why I like to include key parts of each candidate's background, like work experience, because these tell us about the skillsets the candidate will bring to elected office.

Healthcare

Healthcare is always an important issue in the US since we have the worst healthcare in the world. That's why we want someone in the office who can give us the confidence that if they repeal anything, they will also replace it.

The Economy

Finally, in this economy, prices have gone up. Affordability is a top issue for many voters. I like to look at how the candidates will address important budget concerns. I must say there's a clear winner her

I hope this helps. Be sure to get out there and vote!

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 42nd Week of 2024

Grease Fired

Trump spent a day at a McDonald’s for a photo opp, serving fries to preselected customers this week to send a message to everyday voters with diabetes and heart disease. Analysts point out that the move represents his campaign well, as people can’t seem to stop buying it even when it is obvious it is not good for them.

Kamala says she, too, worked at a McDonald's in her early years before becoming a prosecutor. She previously fell from a coconut tree before that. When Harris left McDonald's, only the ice cream machine was broken, but since Trump's time at the job, all the rules have been broken as well.

The PR move was well received. Trump shook hands and greeted guests, making jokes about not touching their fries, and loving salt. But McDonald's has not walked away with only good publicity. Since Trump's time as a minimum wage worker for the chain, McDonald's has been impacted by an E. coli outbreak, which some would say is not related to Trump's time in the business, but The Lorem Ipsum is still investigating.

Some compare Trump's time at Macdonalds to his first run for the presidency in that now that he has had 15 minutes of experience, he is now ready to run the whole company. (more)

Blurple States

Liz Cheyenne campaigned with Kamala this week to appeal to republican voters in the suburbs of battleground districts. Because Liz is a smart campaigns strategist, she focused on what matters most to suburban women: being reminded that their place is in the kitchen. “If you wouldn’t hire somebody to babysit your kids, you shouldn’t make that guy the president of the United States,” I didn't watch the whole speech, but I assume Liz explained that issuing an executive order is a lot different than changing a diaper, and that’s why you need Kimberly Guilfoyle to change Donald Juniors.

She's right to campaign for the other side. I sang her praises in an article, Death by Herd Mentality. Since her side won't accept her, it's clear policies are not a focus. (more)

Blinkin Twice If You're Listening

Anthony Blinkin has made a trip to Israel to pressure Benjamin Netanyahu to reach a truce agreement with Gaza and Lebanon after key leaders of Hamas have been killed. Blinkin said there were only two things to do "...get the hostages home and bring the war to an end..." which was a relief to Netanyahu, as he hadn't previously thought about suggesting that Hamas release their prisoners. This is good news, and it sounds like 4,000 years of war should be over in the next couple of days. (more)

Putin‘s World

This week, North Korea has moved troops into Russia to help with the invasion of Ukraine. Although Putin didn't deny the purpose of North Korea's visit, one source suggested maybe the two loverboys are simply planning to film "Mutually Assured Destruction Gone Wild!" which has the two exposing their nuclear weapons late at night. We see a lot of potential in this for the whole world. (more)

Abercombie

The former CEO of the fashion brand for teenagers and douchebags was charged on Tuesday with running a sex-trafficking ring out of the business. Mike Jeffries is accused of coercing dozens of men to get into their fashionably distressed jeans. Personally, I was surprised. When I walk into a darkly lit retail store with exclusively hot people spraying cologne everywhere, trying to coax me toward special deals in the back, I thought it was totally innocent fun. It never occurred to me they were simply trying to seduce me. (more)

Rudy Awakening

A judge ordered Rudy Guiliani to give up his valuable possessions to two election workers he defamed, putting them in danger. He was previously convicted on defamation charges and ordered to pay $150 million, which he didn't have in cash. He's been ordered to give his Manhattan Penthouse, his dentures, and a can of shoe polish. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better with extra salt, especially if you have low blood pressure. It’s also better shared with friends. Share this issue while it’s still hot.

Have a great weekend!