Quarter Pounder

Hey Friends,

Now that you've likely read every possible take on the election from every source (except those you have marked as spam), it’s time to get back to the real work.

Making jokes.

What people don’t realize is that having an opinion is really easy. Saying something funny is really hard.

But that’s the important work, so let’s get back to business.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 46th Week of 2024

Thanks to the election results, I have four more years of job security from a content standpoint. That is unless The Administration gets its way to squash journalists and platforms who don’t favor Trump.

On that note, today’s release covers all the news that washed out all the other news. I might poke the bear a bit but don't worry. Starting next week, this is a Trump sympathizing newsletter, and the name will be The Tariff Ipsum, based on one of the most beautiful words in the English language. We are joining the rest of the world and cozying up to our defacto Lord and Savior, Donald Trump.

Enjoy, and god save the king.

The New Deal

This week, President-elect Trump met with President Biden in a traditional exercise demonstrating that two people can at least pretend to get along as they transfer power from one administration to the other. It looks like morning time at a Hardees, where free coffee refills and a decent breakfast sandwich keep octogenarians in their seats for hours. One aid who commented on the condition of anonymity in order to speak freely said the coffee was better at Hardee's, but it can be just as difficult to get someone to leave after they have overstayed their welcome.

The president-elect has been assembling his team, from attorney general to secretary of defense all the way to creating positions which is rumored to include a Quarter Pounder Czar. Despite the former president's experience working the fry line, he is expected to delegate the task. He has also appointed roles to carry out what he calls the largest deportation in history, which will disproportionately affect his own food sources, given that he’ll often be deporting key staff of his favorite restaurant. If he can't eat his favorite burger, he may be eating his words soon enough.

Here are some of his key nominations and appointments.

Government Efficiency. Trump picked Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to run a new office he called the Department of Government Efficiency or "DOGE." He wants them to cut, restructure, and dismantle parts of the federal government. In order to operate really lean and keep costs low, he hired two guys for the same job.

Musk has begun to talk about his aggressive cost-cutting plan. He's stated that he may be able to cut $2 trillion in government spending by eliminating "waste." Since 100% of the government payroll equals $271 billion, his first step could be to fire every single government employee, which covers the first 13% of the cut. Then canceling all social security payments after that will get us most of the way there. For the final stretch of cuts of waste, canceling the billions in government contracts that go to Musk's companies has been proposed, but it's unclear if he will agree to the plan.

Also, just one more friendly reminder that Vivek Ramaswamy will be there as well. So far, he has been asked to "say cheese" for a picture.

Pete Hegseth, the Fox News host, was picked as Defense Secretary. Analysts think he'll be using his experience as a TV personality to announce to everyone in the Defense Department plans for defending the nation and to accurately warn his team of any commercial breaks. Known best for not washing his hands, the team at Fox is washing their hands of him, but also everything he has touched in the building. Trump, a known germaphobe, appears to be welcoming him, however not with open arms, due to the risk of spreading germs.

Matt Gaetz was nominated to be attorney general. One witness said when offered the role, he squealed in excitement like a schoolgirl (although another witness believes that was his girlfriend, an actual schoolgirl — we’re working to confirm this). Even Republicans were surprised by the pick, as some went on record saying he has his work cut out to get confirmed.

Mike Huckabee will be ambassador to Israel. As a staunch supporter of Israel, he's expected to be sympathetic to the zionist movement. Mike will teach bass guitar lessons from the river to the sea, consisting mostly of Baptist praise and worship music.

Jack Smith was not one of Trump's cabinet appointments, but rather one of his disappointments, as special prosecutor assigned to the cases against Donald Trump, and he has vowed to retaliate against him. Since the election makes the charges essentially moot, Jack is winding down his work and will resign before Trump takes office. He’s also sending an edible arrangement to Mar A Lago, along with this bear on Etsy that says, “I’m sorry.”

Robert F. Kennedy was nominated to lead the Health and Human Services Department. He was promised he could go “hog wild” on health (since I mentioned hogs, public health professionals insist we mention here that eating undercooked pork can be harmful to your health). His most famous statement comes in a tweet where he tells the corrupt FDA to pack their bags. Kennedy says raw milk is in and fluoride is out based on his views that question the science and challenge the motives of public health officials. Some public health experts call his claims “toothless,” but then again, in four years, we all will be.

That's it for this week.

Remember: If you want four more years of The Lorem Ipsum, we need you to share it with friends. Pass along this issue and keep me in the Oval Inbox.

Have a great weekend!