Red Duck Session

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, including me. This week, I received my MMR vaccine, only 40 years behind schedule, after growing up in a family that avoided vaccines.

The clinic was only able to offer children's Band-Aids, so I'll be the Little Mermaid until my blood clots.

Thankfully, after receiving the shot, the nurse gave me a sucker for being so brave.

Unfortunately, I have autism now, so expect to see symptoms here in the newsletter.

Let's get to The News.

Congress Identifies as Democrat

In last week's election, Democrats won enough seats to control both chambers of Congress, which creates a changing government that supporters are calling a "trans-government." However, some point out that with Senator Bernie Sanders registered as an independent, it is more appropriate to call the Senate "non-binary."

Democrats say they plan to use their majority to focus on abortion for all. One progressive congresswoman has called on her colleagues to put men back in women's sports and to charge a DEI committee to ensure corruption investigations against the Republican Party are staffed fairly, and not corrupted by merit-based rules that disproportionately affect people who aren't qualified for the job.

As part of their plan, Democrats vow to listen to America, but only on Threads. Over the next two years, the left seeks to identify a candidate in the Republican Party to hand the presidency to, simply by focusing on trauma politics instead of what matters to the other 99% of Americans – the economy and honest government.

Still, some Democrats dispute this direction – and if you don't mind me breaking the fourth wall of comedy, those Democrats are everyone who won their campaigns by talking about what they will do in government instead of whether they will be Black or female while they do it. I mean people like Gina Hinojosa.

As of yesterday evening, the latest results show Democrats hold 55 seats in the Senate after Mississippi's race was called for the Democratic candidate on Wednesday night. The House majority has 255 seats for Democrats, with a few races still undecided.

Alaska's Senate race remains uncalled, with Mary Peltola in the lead, short of the 50% needed to win outright, as she competes with two Dan Sullivans on the ballot. Since Alaska has ranked-choice voting, voters pick the top choice and rank alternates after that in order, which resulted in several Sullivan Sandwiches.

This week, Gym Jordan, of Ohio, whose legal name is "Jacketless Jim Jordan," was voted House Minority Leader, as Mike Johnson leaves his leadership role. House Republicans said their Johnson was too short, but recognized he had a hard job.

John Thune will keep his position as Republican leader in the Senate, now in the minority. When someone made a joke about losing the majority, he said, "Too Thune."

Ad-Vance-Ments

Vance was yanked from Iran peace talks to focus on investigating corruption in districts run by Democrats, a party largely known to be the second most corrupt political party. It falls just behind the Republican Party, which lost the election because of verifiable acts of corruption by its party leader, the person asking Vance to conduct the investigations.

Trump decided to trust the VP with this project because JD Vance is known for cleaning up messes. For example, a couch he once soiled.

Peach Hegseth

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth defended his record this week, as Congressman Thomas Massie presented articles of impeachment. Pete responded, saying his failure in Iran has been historic.

He bragged that his operation, which was leaked on Signal before it took place, should be praised for being named "Operation Rough Rider" and said the name rivaled past crises like the Cuban Missile Crisis, which he called a boring, "woke" DEI name because it honors Cubans, who he says are historically all gay.

He also boasted that the U.S. military is now more lethal than it has been in decades, thanks to his effort to test and increase soldiers' testosterone levels, leading to more capable fighters and increased masturbation. House Republicans responded by doing the same, referring the impeachment papers to committee to release the tension.

Huang like a Whorse

Nvidia's CEO, Jensen Huang, has stepped down from his position because some of his positions were more than just missionary-style. According to reports, the microchip company founder placed his microchip into the wrong motherboards. Two, in fact.

One affair was with his head of healthcare, who had evidently started an alternative treatment plan for the CEO that involved oral examinations.

The other was with a woman suspected of being a Chinese spy; she denies it, but one contact familiar with the matter said her business card raised suspicion when he noticed that below her name, it read "a.k.a. Agent H2Ho." The contact claims to have found a Chinese finger trap in her purse. As Jensen Huang resigned on Wednesday, stocks plunged, which is not the only plunge he'll be regretting.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!