Round House Kicking the Bucket

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, unless you're in the UK with me, in which case, good afternoon. I'm on a 12-day trip through Scotland and England, where I'll be asking for directions as loudly as possible, while complaining about the coffee. But, still I'll integrate into society by pluralizing "math" and measuring pints at 20 oz. In England they're known for their inability to be direct, where they’ll add “perhaps” to every imperative—a modifier that is the exact opposite of “goddammit” as the Americans say. In fact, I couldn’t even get a direct flight here, as it were. Even, Apple Maps falls into the round about habit of equivocation, by directing me around the block, down a sloped drive and then up four flights of stairs to bring me to my hotel when I was actually dropped off right in front of the building. I hate to say it, but this is a true story, with few, if any embellishments.

Unfortunately, when I travel, the news doesn't stop, I’ll be brief but today and focus on the most important topic.

Chuck Norris died last weekend.

Or to be more specific, Chuck Norris didn't die; everyone else did. And hell is where everyone on earth goes when Chuck Norris stops being alive.

He'll be missed for his vigilance, toughness, and pure manliness.

Chuck is so tough, he makes onions cry. Chuck is so manly that when he shaves, his razor gets a Chuck burn. He so tough, his dermatologist often advise the sun to wear protection when in prolonged exposure to Chuck Norris.

His accomplishments include advanced black belts in judo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and Karate, and the most powerful roundhouse kick in history. In fact, legend has it, the Earth is tilted on its axis because of a historic roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck takes a bath, don't bother him, because even his rubber duckie means business. When he goes number two, he always has to flush twice. According to rumors, a Norris log is so big it could displace the Strait of Hormuz, which is approximately 21 nautical miles of water, or two urinal sessions for Chuck. The Trump Administration had previously warned Iran that if it didn't open the Straight for oil shipments, Chuck would take a leak, and the whole thing would be filled with bubbles.

But honestly, Chuck's passing is tragic. He died suddenly during an undisclosed medical emergency. It's not publicly known how he died, but according to medical sources, it's widely known that Chuck Norris's tears could cure cancer; however, unfortunately, Chuck has never cried.

Even Trump reacted to his death. Just this week, Trump ordered 2000 paratroopers to be sent to the Middle East, in addition to 3000 marines already in transit, because it was either that or send one Chuck Norris. Since Chuck was no longer available, Trump had to send conventional military enforcements, despite having already won the war several times, likely simply by invoking Chuck Norris.

As we all know, Pete Hegseth tries to look tough, but in the case of Chuck Norris, his toughness is all natural. When Chuck Norris was considered for a cabinet position, Trump was contemplating a position as Secretary of Fate. Chuck had previously declined the position of Press Secretary, suggesting he would take the role only if it was specifically Bench Press Secretary. It's been suggested that if he were in Congress, they would eliminate the role of Congressional Whip, and instead, Chuck would become a Congressional Majority Round House Kick.

In related news, mortgage rates jumped this week, reportedly because they were startled when someone mentioned Chuck Norris.

Also, Meta and YouTube lost landmark cases that say they are liable for creating addictive products that cause harm to minors. Clearly, instead of hiring their lawyers, they should have hired Chuck Norris, who doesn't go to court. Court comes to him.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.
– Chuck Norris

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is tough as nails but easy to read. Please remember to share with friends.

Have a great weekend!