Sacred Text

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, and especially school kids in Oklahoma.

It is now required to teach the Bible in Oklahoma schools because it is essential history, and as we all know, it is what Western civilization is based on.

Record storms are destroying the South, and some say it is time to evaluate whether climate change is real and what to do about it. Thankfully, we’re teaching kids to get their heads into more practical matters through the real-life story of Balaam and his talking donkey in Numbers 22. After all, it’s our nation's heritage.

According to the book of Numbers, chapter 31, God said; Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man by sleeping with him. But all the young girls who have not known a man by sleeping with him, keep alive for yourselves.

I, for one, am glad they are requiring the Bible to be taught in schools. It's about damn time that we finally start teaching these boys that they need to purify everything made of leather, goat hair, or wood after raping the women they captured in their wars of conquest or political conventions.

Without this vital training, how would people manage to get jobs, balance budgets, and pay taxes if they hadn't even learned about medieval religious practices and the clear proof that we are living on a flat earth? Tell science they need to get a new job. God has this one covered.

Oklahoma State Superintendent Ryan Walters’ has this covered, too. An RFP (request for proposal, which is ironically the devil's designated way of buying and selling things prior to the mark of the beast) was recently issued to secure the purchase of the Bibles that will go in each classroom.

The superintendent’s RFP requires the supplied bibles to be bound with leather “for durability,” the lack of which has vexed school administrators for nearly 200 years as they faced the challenges of nearly 100% of the books in schools to date. So far, the only solution has been to put a "dust jacket" over the cover of the book and hope it doesn't get thrown away by an un-Christian reader.

The Bibles are also required to contain US historical founding documents, allowing readers to compare the Declaration of Independence to, say, the scriptural story about Onan jerking off on the floor in Genesis 38 instead of having sex with his sister in law. Students will also be able to see parallels between the country's early years and the Tenth Commandment, which endorses slavery, a thankful justification for a practice some skeptics claim is outdated and cruel.

In budget planning for the Bibles, for which they appear to have allocated $6,000,000, the school board also approved $500,000 to fund training for districts with school personnel who are interested in carrying guns on campus. This is based on the scripture in Matthew 11:29, which says, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, but make sure you have a loaded gun at all times on your person so you can pop a cap in any motherfucker who ye find triflin’." (New Rick James version).

The Bibles are expected to make a difference because teachers are begging to add more content to their days, alongside anti-bullying training, diversity training, social-emotional learning, and more. Teachers expect students to pick up a chapter or two from the book of Mark in their spare moments in the classroom and hopefully learn that to be a true Patriot they will "drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all." or in other words, they will attend Trump rallies and cast out "Democrats."

By studying the Bible in schools, students will understand that in the writing of the First Amendment, which prohibits Congress from establishing a national church or state religion, the founders were referring to something else entirely other than a mandate from the Government of any particular religion.

So, I'm optimistic about the new law in Oklahoma. Perhaps people will start reading the Bible soon. Hopefully, it will start with the Christians.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is not a replacement for religion, but it can be a part of the experience. For example, some readers save the issue until Sunday to read with friends while pretending to be reading their Bibles in Church. I'm not here to get any back pew sitters in trouble, but I do endorse a good Sunday read with friends. Share the good news (The Lorem Ipsum!) with your neighbor today!

Have a great weekend!