Scorched Earth

Hey Friends,

I'm back and better than ever. Welcome to another episode of The Lorem Ipsum.

This is a week of more Sea to Shining Sea To Celebrate. A time of tidings of comfort and joy.

That's because we have the privilege of proclaiming our right to the new land in Greenland and beyond.

It's a match made in heaven, by military force if necessary. And it's great because, as a loyal taxpayer, 0.25% of that land is mine.

I've been wanting one of those deep freezers, but now I'm thinking I'll hold off on buying it and just set up a shack at my newfound land where I'll keep meats, cheeses, and ultra-processed foods to feed my family for months, even years.

Also, President-Elect Trump has said he is changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to The Gulf of America, and this is, without question, a welcome change. The name has never made sense, anyway. In a parallel announcement, it's been declared that we'll also be renaming the Atlantic Ocean the American Ocean –because why should Indians get their own ocean and we're left with a tiny little gulf? Additionally, the Pacific Ocean will be named the Lucas Oil Ocean, thanks to a partnership with our generous sponsors, who are expanding beyond their NFL deal to tap into the only thing bigger than American Football – America.

Lastly, Trump Tower is being renamed "The Lorem Ipsum Tower," and every coffee bought in the entryway comes with a free subscription to the newsletter.

I've always agreed that the USA really is the land of opportunity, and now, even more than ever, thanks to the opportunity of land.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 2nd Week of 2025

The Rich and Flameous

Nikki Glaser hosted the Golden Globes, and for 3 hours, the world revolved around the people who believed it already did. On the red carpet, we had Zendaya in a custom Louis Vuitton dress and Bulgari jewelry, Nicole Kidman In a Balenciaga gown, and Succession’s Jeremy Strong wearing a velour jumpsuit from the only remaining K-Mart.

Just after the glow of the golden globes wore off, L.A. began to face a less welcomed glow. Over the last three days, some of the most affluent areas of Los Angeles have been impacted by the biggest wildfire in L.A. history, in a town where countless celebrities reside.

Generally, when you see smoke in L.A., it means Ben Affleck is nearby. This time, these puffs were not caused by the famous chain smoker but by dry conditions and strong seasonal winds that sparked a historic wildfire. The flames have impacted the homes of celebrities like Mandy Moore, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Tom Hanks. In some cases, B-List actors may have been impacted as well, but it's still too early to tell.

When asked about the blaze, Vin Diesel is reported as saying that if the Rock won't go to hell when he tells him to, it's about time hell comes to him. Other celebrities express their condolences to those who've lost everything, like Paris Hilton, who lost her $8 million beach house only to be left with her life and family and their net worth of $14.2 billion.

In all seriousness, let's hope for a speedy recovery for the city and all those who have lost their homes and neighborhoods. No one deserved it – except maybe Ben Affleck.

The Lakers game against the Charlotte Hornets was abruptly canceled last night "to focus on what matters most." The Hornets immediately expressed their support for the people of LA and said, "...but that means you lose, though." looking to get their hands on one of their few wins of the season. (more)

Love Shack

The anniversary of January 6th happened this week, and Trump has moved to reshape the narrative around this historic event, calling it a "day of love." Some suspect he may deem the date a national holiday, where people are expected to celebrate by giving one another candy hearts and love notes and beating one another with the American flag. (more)

Justin Case

Justin Trudeau will resign as leader of his party and, therefore, Prime Minister of Canada. According to sources, the person who leaked the news was incredibly nice and said sorry multiple times, pronouncing it "sore-E." When Trudeau announced he was stepping down, he noted that he was fighting internal battles, which in the US, we call "drinking tea," but Canadians are so polite that a debate over whether one wants one lump or two in his tea has become a roadblock to governing. (more)

Metastesize

Meta is ending its fact-checking program. This has Facebook warriors up in arms because they feel more comfortable if Facebook is the arbiter of what is true and reliable than anyone else. For example, did a worldwide pandemic start with a Wuhan lab leak? Facebook blocked it. Did Hunter Biden have naked pictures on a laptop? Meta said nope, it was a Russian plant.

Now, Meta is handing the fact-checking to the public via community notes similar to X. This means the critics can do fact-checking, and even the critics know that it is a bad idea. I know because this Wikipedia article explains the problems with fact-checking and user-generated content!

The first thing I am going to fact-check is Mark's gold necklace and probably his hairdo, too. But trust the public to provide the truth on that or anything else? No thanks. I'll trust Wikipedia for my facts from here on out. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better when you send it to your friends to fact-check it. The more, the better.

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Have a great weekend!