Smooth Criminal
No, you didn't get caught in a bomb cyclone. It's just a gift from The Lorem Ipsum and this week's news.
Hey Friends,
Welcome to the 70th issue of The Weekly. With a title like the one above, I imagine you might be expecting me to admit to committing some kind of crime or bring some long con to a landing with this email, but I'll leave the crimes to other people to commit, namely, recent past Presidents or Sam Bankman Fried.
Me, on the other hand, and all of The Lorem Ipsum editorial board (which is literally just me), I'm (we're) going to be doing more giving than taking. And while I admire a good long con, I'm not your guy for that, either. I'm a guy who, when he buys a collectible bourbon, opens it and tastes it because he "just wanted to know," therefore reducing its value by somewhere around "a lot." When I buy a Christmas gift for someone special, I can't keep it a secret for more than a couple of days, even if it is safely stored in the neighbor's garage, so don't expect me to be a good con man. If I were, I'd probably blurt my plan out to you because I'm too excited that it's working.
The only long con I've been committing is the one where I provide you hundreds of articles for free before ever requiring you to pay for my work. And to make it worse, I provide nearly 100% of articles on this site without a paywall anyway. Even as a marketing consultant, many of my marketing articles, written or co-written by me, are also free. So if you become a marketing genius (or independent thinking, voter, etc.) because of something I've provided you for free, thank me later (or now if you're feeling a little Christmas guilt over it).
The point of this long diatribe is to say that I am a giver, and that is what I intend to do today.
Wait, Where Am I?
Editors Note: No, you didn't get caught in a bomb cyclone. In case you've forgotten, you're receiving The Weekly from The Lorem Ipsum, a funny email about serious topics. I cover the week's top headlines and then stress out about the Friday morning breaking news I missed. I promise we'll cover that next week.
If you are here by accident, you'll need to fix that. Sign up for your own copy of The Lorem Ipsum here, and get some version of this email each Friday. On the other side of the week, I post articles that cover an issue at length; make sure you get those by including Long Reads in your email preferences (although I've considered combining the lists into one happy email family – give me your thoughts on that if you're inclined).
End Editors Note.
Now that we're done with italicized iterjectory text, let's talk about the end of this year as we slide into the next. Many of you are thinking about your holiday break. Perhaps you are spending your time unwinding after a year of working more than living, or you're doing laundry more than you really need to. Maybe you're spending holiday family time avoiding politics and religion. Either way, I hope you experience only the good things and decline to participate in the bad. Happy Holidays to all of you. As promised, I have something special, and it's not a pass on your IRS audit. It's better than that.
Something Special
Most of the writers I read have shared with their readers how much they won't be doing for the rest of the year. For me and The Lorem Ipsum staff (also me), it is quite the opposite. I'll be using the lack of appointments and creative professionals to manage as an opportunity to complete the edits of several chapters of my book, Made From Leftovers, to polish them up for public consumption.
I've released the first chapter of my memoir, which shares why I never graduated high school, how I learned to exercise demons at a coffeehouse and shows how to use humor as a defense mechanism (because we're all rolled up in a fetal position at some point anyway – like I am after I hit send on every post). In my book, which for now will only be released here on this blog (unless you have a better offer) I take a look back at my funny life and examine poverty and what it means to the rest of us.
These chapters will be available for paying readers only.
However, for those that aren't, if you spent $4,975 of your $5,000 Christmas budget, then I have good news. You still have $25, and some luck left. As a special gift and proof that good things happen to good people (also you), I am offering you a chance to sign up to become a Founder for premium access to The Lorem Ipsum for only $50 $25 for a year subscription for an extremely limited time right here. In addition to access to more content, you'll be supporting my work and helping me reach more people. Most people say that's all they really wanted for Christmas anyway!
That means you'll get 625 hours of my time for roughly 4 cents per hour, or less than the cost of a dinner for two at Applebees, which isn't even that good.
What You Got So Far
So what do you get from The Lorem Ipsum? Well, this year, I released 91 articles, including 41 Long Reads and 50 issues of The Weekly. I've also tasted actual dog food and once drank soup through a straw – two things I'll never do again. What I will do is provide you with the top news and analysis of the important issues. I'll continue to do my best to be balanced, opinionated, and snarky all at the same time.
There's one more issue coming next week, and if you join me, there's a lot more in 2023. Thanks for reading.
For the rest of the issue, which is already quite long, let's take a look at The News.
Hot Takes
Week 51 of 2022
You've Been Struck By
You know that when a congressional committee uses your middle initial, you're in trouble, and that's what happened on Monday when the January 6th Committee referred Donald J. Trump for criminal charges, accusing him of four crimes with detailed evidence. Some of the new evidence included testimony from Hope Hicks, who said she worried Trump might be ruining his legacy because he looked ridiculous with his spray tan but also because of his unfounded claims of election fraud. Her testimony comes on the heels of her fresh eyebrow waxing that left a little redness, but it didn't take away from the fact that her testimony shows that even Trump's closest advisors warned him against his efforts to subvert the election.
The January 6th Committee is expected to be disbanded by the induction of the new Congress on January 3rd, after which I wanted to put in a good word for Liz Cheney because she may be looking. (more)
After the Committee announced its accusations in its public hearing, the following day, another congressional committee voted to release Donald Trump's tax documents from over the last six years, which do not reference spray tans but do show that Trump paid $0 (rounded to the nearest whole number) in taxes in 2020 after paying about $1.1 million for the rest of his Presidency, most of which was in 2018. Paying nothing in taxes is very common for people who lose money, although losing millions is a luxury most people don't have. The revelations highlight that Trump is in real estate and has a lot of assets he can depreciate to reduce his tax burden, but that doesn't make a very good headline. (more)
Zelensky Visits Washington
After a busy 300 days fighting a war, Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, came to the United States dressed in his military green fatigues and a fresh haircut to meet with President Biden, who was wearing a sharp blue tailored suit and a pair of Depends. The two exchanged personal gestures and met privately to discuss the war in Ukraine and other topics. One source said that Zelensky said it was refreshing to be in a country that was not at war on the ground but rather on social media.
Later on Wednesday evening, Zelensky met with Congress to thank the United States for its support in a prime-time address. Zelensky said, "Ukraine never asked American soldiers to fight on our land. I assure you, Ukrainian soldiers can operate American tanks and planes themselves."
While all this was going on, Putin admitted that his army hadn't performed very well but said they'll continue to fight, modernize their army, and add more soldiers to the field like beef into a meat grinder. Although he had not used that particular metaphor, he did say their war spending had no limits. (more)
Elon Musk was Voted Out.
Most Twitter users are thrilled to have Elon Musk involved as CEO. However, most Twitter users are bots. Many human Twitter users responded to a poll Musk posted, asking whether he should step down as CEO of Twitter. As a follow-up to the landslide vote against him, he said there was no one who could run the site and keep it going, so as of the last available update, there has been no public movement to put someone in his place. (more)
Spending Bill
Congress has unveiled a 1.7 trillion dollar spending bill, a number that means nothing out of context. The bill is seen as the last priority for the Democrats before the shift in the balance of power goes into effect. The bill funds the government through the fall while also, as an unrelated addition, bans TikTok on government devices, possibly to reduce screen time. (more)
Once in a Generation Winter Storm
Experts have warned us all week that the storm that spanned across the USA's midsection (not trying to make it feel self-conscious) was coming with extreme temperatures, ice, and significant snowfall. The bomb cyclone has been named Elliot by The Weather Channel, but at least one reader said it should be called Ebeneezer for having ruined our Holiday plans. The weather pattern remains either the worst thing ever or a nonissue, so please be careful and enjoy a safe Holiday weekend! (more)
Your Questions.
Ask The Lorem Ipsum
If you're looking for answers to anything at all, even to questions as obscure as those about the taste of dog food, I have an answer for you. Or at least I will shortly. Submit your questions by replying to this email.
That's it for this week. I hope you have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukka, and a happy Festivus for the rest of us.
Have a great Holiday weekend!