The Spinning Wheel of Death
The USA is currently going through an update, and we don't know when it will be finished.
Hey Friends,
A hard reboot can be harder than you think.
When I reboot my computer, and it reminds me there's an update, I usually say, "Okay, fine," but sometimes I get stuck waiting on the spinning wheel of death or the "Fake number of minutes remaining" when all I really wanted was for Zoom to work good enough for me to join a call.
Before the process finishes, my trusted computer beeps a couple of times and then starts opening a bunch of apps I never use without my consent.
If I stooped as low as to use a Windows computer, I’m sure it would be even worse.
This is what the new administration has been doing over the last week. It will be a moment before we can get back to the internet as usual.
It's hard to engage meaningfully in politics when most conversations are emotionally charged and rarely make contact with the realities, so I do so sparingly. Over the course of this last two weeks, I've made it a priority to pay attention, not speak too quickly, avoid getting sucked into sensational headlines, and make as many jokes as possible about literally everything.
Let's get to The News.
It's Reigning Men
Trump's reign has caught the attention of the whole world. He's wielding his power in as many ways as he can, including issuing at least 74 executive orders as of last night. Many of them are pushing the boundaries of the law. Some have already been challenged by the courts.
The President has issued orders exerting control over how local schools teach, including more “patriotic“ history. Now, Trump controls your kid's indoctrination/education. Black History Month shall now be called Patriotic History Month, and of course, Cinco De Mayo is now called the Fifth of May. You won’t be allowed to talk about kids with two fathers, but there’s a “Presidential 1776 Award” for learning about our Forefathers. I recommend reading the order because the truth is stranger than fiction.
Where’s The Beef?
Everyone is seeking Trump’s favor these days, like Mark Zuckerberg, who has taken up jujitsu to be tougher and even adjusted his curly locks to look more Trumpian. This also includes Robert Menendez, the disgraced Democrat Senator and beef meat peddler whose gold bars of bribery got him sentenced to 11 years this week. He's calling unto Lord and Savior, Donald Trump, to clean up this system and perhaps have mercy on him.
Apparently, it is illegal to leverage your office for personal profit, at least for some people. Robert says the justice system is corrupt. Some say it's a two-tiered system, and he's obviously in the lower tier.
Clark, HR You Serious?
Earlier this week, the US HR desk sent an email offering anyone not loyal to the administration the opportunity to get paid to quit their jobs. It also said very clearly that “Employees who engage in unlawful behavior or other misconduct will be prioritized for appropriate investigation and discipline, including termination,” and then ended with "LOL! 🤪"
Make Changes or DEI Trying
Trump spent most of the last week dismantling D.E.I. It was an affirmative reaction. With the stroke of a Sharpie, the longstanding reverse racism program has been put to an end. If it's any consolation, the Sharpies Trump used were black.
That means no more booster seats for Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. From here on out, he is just Mike Shorter Johnson, and if he needs help reaching that gavel, he'll have to ask Nancy Pelosi to grab it for him.
Trump is finding DEI everywhere. Even on Wednesday night, a plane crashed over Washington Dulles Airport, and Trump blamed the issue on DEI at the FAA. If I squint hard enough, maybe I can see his point. If you hire old people, they usually have to pee more, which is an issue because air traffic won't wait for you to wash your hands. Or what if an air traffic controller has to touch up his makeup during a key flight pattern? It looks great on them/them, but it's not great for us. It's not good if a glow-up turns into a blow-up. So perhaps we need to hedge our bets and do our best to hire only men with strong bladders. People like Pete Hegseth, who won't waste his time washing his hands.
If you want my opinion, I'm a diversity guy. When I go to Hooters, I want a short, chubby man with chest hair billowing out of his tank top serving my table at least 51 percent of the time (just to be fair). I'll even order half of my wings 'boneless' just to signal that I'm inclusive. When I order a drink, it's a margarit-x.
Emergency situations call for inclusive practices, too. If my house is on fire, I'd really appreciate it if the firefighter who pulls me out has soft hands and some empathy while they're trying to carry me down that ladder. In the Air Force, it would be way more fair if at least 13% of our fighter pilots had Coke bottle glasses and stopped giving an unfair advantage to these traditionally sighted people.
Capturing the Zeitgeist
It's important to note that some of Trump's ideas may be good ones - like, for example, calling the governor of California “Give New-scum” because that’s pretty funny. But overall, I'd say it seems more akin to him being elected to trim the bushes, but he's using an axe. It may get the job done, but it's going to look pretty gnarly when it's done.
People often compare Trump to Hitler, but we all know Donald Trump is practically nothing like Hitler.
For example, Trump pardoned violent criminals who supported him. Hitler, on the other hand, preferred the term amnesty when he freed Nazi murderers.
Hitler took control of the press, but Trump is focused more on owning social media and appointing Twitter's owner to his cabinet. For traditional press, he is only suing Meta and ABC and leveraging a suit with Paramount’s “60 Minutes” to influence a future merger, so that’s totally different.
Sure, both made immigration fears key to their campaigns, but if you look closely enough, it was totally different. When Hitler said that immigrants cause a "poisoning of the blood," his solution was to bake those immigrants in big ovens. When Trump said it, his plan was to warm them up in a Guantanamo Bay detention center.
Lastly, to further clarify the difference between the two characters, Hitler used a barrage of simultaneous orders, exploiting weaknesses in the constitution to consolidate presidential power and weaken the other controls of a democratic government, putting him in complete charge so that he could wage war on the whole world. It took him 53 days to remake the government. But in Trump's case, there's no comparison because it's only been 12 days, and he simply hasn't had enough time to finish the job.
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is still legal to share with your friends, as far as I know. But also, who really knows?
Have a great weekend!