Stiff Competition

Hey Friends,

I’ve determined I’m one of the most boring people on earth.

Imagine this: I’m a guy with perfect teeth that are just tan enough that you don't notice them. I have clear skin, but by clear, I mean so pale you can almost see through it. I don’t have big muscles or small ones. They're merely functional.

Occasionally, some coddling friend will tell me we are all special. To make matters worse, they’ll tell me I’m unique because I’m tall, but in truth, a scan from top to bottom takes so long that viewers get bored before reaching my ostrich-like knees.

Perhaps being funny could be a relief, though. Right?

Nope.

If by chance I say something funny, I’ll inevitably pull out my phone, open the notes app, and ask everyone "how did I say that, again?" and effectively ruin the moment purely so I can use the line again in this newsletter sometime.

Not funny.

I’m a generic guy who does marketing for other people and writes news about other people. That's incredibly boring. But it has worked well for me.

Let’s see if it works for a generic Democrat.

More on that in The News.

Hot Takes

This 33rd Week of 2024

Generic Democrat for President.

Kamala continues to climb in the polls, with the national averages putting her at a nose hair away from a three-point lead as of now. Some pollsters examine whether her popularity is based uniquely on her being her (black, female, fiery smart, infectious cackle, loves coconut, etc.) or if her appeal is based more on the general features (not Trump, not Biden, doesn't smell like attic dust, wasn't born before the microwave). In other words, is her appeal because she is Kamala Harris, or is it because she just fell out of a coconut tree?

It's a good question. She did poorly when she was competing in a Presidential primary back in 2020. Understandably, she was one of several choices. Today, now that she is one out of a total set of one option(s), it's easy to pick her when the alternative is licking the bottom of a goat herder's boot. As Nate Cohn of the New York Times explains, nothing is more coveted than to be the generic candidate of one's party, as nobody tends to do better than somebody no matter which party they are from. Some candidates can inspire ambivalence. For sure, I've always aspired to do the same – to ignite people's sense of complete apathy and total lack of concern. Over the years, I've learned that when you literally don't give a rat's ass, other people who could care less will continually promote you. Whoever said being harmless is a virtue was both poignant and not that good at adhering to the logical underpinnings of the English language. Harris has almost become that.

Does that explain the crowds she has been drawing at campaign events? Perhaps, if people were holding up signs saying, "Why Lie. It's For Booze," then I might agree. But the energy seems different.

Harris didn't win a primary. Not the kind we are used to. But Harris is getting people excited about one thing – there's a real chance we won't have to endure four more years of something else. (more)

Flirting With X

Earlier this week, Trump joined his man-crush tech tycoon for a very special campaign event. It was a love affair to remember. Donald Trump and Elon Musk brought their love affair to a nationwide audience by streaming it on X. Cubicle-filled corporations in 2003 would call it a conference call. Today, Musk calls it the innovative service known as "Spaces." The rest of us call it glitchy and 40 minutes late. The two billionaires talked for two hours, the optimal amount of time to repeat the tired tropes about elections being stolen and the border being breached by a criminal invasion.

Musk blamed the spotty start to the call on a cyberattack and also, according to someone with knowledge of the matter who spoke on the condition of anonymity, because the product is not that great. (more)

Skim-flation

Economic concerns have been quelled after it was announced this week that inflation was now under 3%, getting closer to the fat content of milk and further from the alcohol content of bourbon at 40% or more if it's good. With an economy this hot, buyers are recommended to pace themselves by sipping rather than guzzling. Still, the news of calming inflation will welcomed news, as inflation hasn't been this low since 2021, when milk prices were skinnier. (more)

Getting Whipped

After forcing its CEO out, Starbucks appointed the old Chipotle boss Brian Niccol as its new CEO, and now investors expect it to cost $1.80 extra to add whipped cream to any drink. Is that okay? The answer is always yes. I always get cheese, sour cream, guacamole, and any other form of fat they offer, and if it costs more, I blindly accept it without taking a moment to do the math. That is the secret to this CEO's success. Mine is eating as much fat as possible, and Brian's is for getting me to pay for it. (more)

Bend but not Break-dancing

The Australian dancer Rachael Gunn, who goes by Raygun, gave Gumby a run for his money at the Olympic break dancing competition and has since gone viral. She received zero points for her innovative dance moves. We all know the Olympics bring stiff competition. I just didn’t know it would actually be this stiff – with her gyrations hearkening back to the 80s talking bear Teddy Ruxpin when they added a body movement feature. She was so stiff that rumors have it that some officials wanted to connect her to Celine Dion, who has stiff person syndrome, because “maybe they can relate.” The Olympic organizers have ended break dancing after this year's games, but it was Raygun who dropped the mic. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better with friends, hypothetically, but let's test that out. Share this episode with a friend, and report back.

Have a great weekend!