Searching For The Dien Sea

Hey Friends,

Bennifer Lopez-Affleck, the power couple, is finally dissolving once again. Sources tell me that love does, in fact, cost a thing.

The Democratic National Convention tops this week's news. We'll dive right in.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

This 34th Week of 2024

Obama or Yo Mama

The Obamas roasted Donald Trump while lifting up Harris in back-to-back speeches at the Democratic National Convention this week. President Barack Obama laughed that Trump was "so obsessed with crowd sizes." He even used his hands to signal a phallic metaphor to the disappointing size of those crowds. To comment on the matter, we reached out to Melania Trump, but she was unable to offer any insight regarding the topic, stating that she always closes her eyes as tightly as possible when faced with her husband's crowds.

Oprah also took the stage, and under everyone's chair was a special gift! A cardboard cutout of Tim Walz's heeeeaaaa-eaad! She gets a Tim, he gets a Tim! Everybody gets a Tim! (more)

Obama also talked about our divided nation and the hope we have for the future. I'll include a key part of his speech here, without interruption, because it matches my own manifesto for life, for this publication, and eventually, God forbid, if I ever serve in public office.

That sense of mutual respect has to be part of our message. Our politics have become so polarized these days that all of us across the political spectrum seem so quick to assume the worst in others unless they agree with us on every single issue. We start thinking that the only way to win is to scold and shame and out-yell the other side. And after a while, regular folks just tune out, or they don’t bother to vote. 

Now that approach may work for the politicians who just want attention and thrive on division, but it won’t work for us. To make progress on the things we care about, the things that really affect people’s lives, we need to remember that we’ve all got our blind spots and contradictions and prejudices. And that if we want to win over those who aren’t yet ready to support our candidates, we need to listen to their concerns and maybe learn something in the process. 

After all, if a parent or grandparent occasionally says something that makes us cringe, we don’t automatically assume they’re bad people. We recognize that the world is moving fast, that they need time and maybe a little encouragement to catch up. Our fellow citizens deserve the same grace we hope they’ll extend to us. That’s how we can build a true Democratic majority, one that can get things done.

(Find the whole speach here)

When our views are shaped by the prevailing narratives of partisanship, it's time for a new story, like this one I wrote on being indignant. (This was a paid article for which I have temporarily removed the paywall).

The Blue Walz

Another highlight of the event included Harris's VP pick, Tim Walz. He came out looking like a living John Mellencamp song, with his hand on his heart and a map of the convention center in his pocket. He talked about growing up in a small town and people he met along the way named Jack or Diane.

Walz bragged about his time in the military and as a coach and a teacher, and then his kids, who sobbed as he talked about his experience with infertility when he and his wife were having their now teenaged children. The kids are a chip off the old block, that's for sure. His son Gus's pants will be pulled up too high in no time. (more)

Santos. The Fresh Maker.

George Santos has pleaded guilty to fraud – but not for denying being a Brazilian drag performer or for later admitting to it and saying, "Sue me for having a life!" because having a life is not a crime. Campaign finance fraud is. George Santos made up most of his fascinating story, and it has him now cleaning up the mess. Santos is also known for being a Jew-ish, but to be clear, "Jew-ish" is just a vibe. His family is Catholic and not Jewish. He just likes schnitzels and enjoys not mixing milk with his meat. But his wild stories havr caught up to him, and may put him in jail for years. (more)

Just Kenneding

Robert F Kennedy is expected to end his campaign today and endorse literally any candidate who will give him a cabinet membership. Currently, it appears Trump is the only grifter gullible enough to fall for it. Kennedy ran on the platform of “Hope and Blame.” A platform that said that whatever the other parties were trying to do to America felt like aliens poking my body and that they wished they’d stop. That resonated with about 5% of voters, who especially like his message criticizing vaccines, where he says “double-blind placebo trials” several times with the upward inflection of a question to create some doubt. The problem is 5% won't win you an election, so Kenedy began his hunt. He reached out to both leading candidates, but sources say he was best qualified for a job that didn't require him to be too principled. (more)

Who’s The Boss

Ukraine has been showing Russia who’s boss now. Over the last two years, Russia has taken control of 161,000 square kilometers, which is approximately 27% of Ukraine. For context, Ukraine would be roughly the size of Texas if it weren’t for the fact that Texas is so American that kilometers don’t even exist there. Over the last couple of weeks, Ukraine has struck back, taking over a patch of land of about 15 square kilometers, which analysts say is roughly the size of a CVS caddy corner from a Walgreens, plus some extra public parking. You could maybe add in a liquor store, but anyway, the counter-invasion hasn’t drawn much of a reaction yet. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is better with friends, but especially if the friends bring snacks. Start by sharing this issue and ask them to bring the chips and salsa.

Have a great weekend!