The Glove That Never Fit

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone except for Johnnie Cochran, who will have to find another recurring client.

O.J. Simpson died of cancer this week after undergoing treatment.

We owe a lot to the former NFL star and potential non-murderer. If it weren't for Simpson, we likely would not have ever heard of the Kardashians, nor would we have ever considered splaying our fingers outward when attempting to demonstrate that a pair of gloves doesn't fit,

The other glove that didn't fit O.J. was freedom. Years after being acquitted of the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown, he was caught in an armed break-in, which landed him in prison.

The Juice was loose as of 2017 when he was released from prison after nine years.

Let's get to The News.

Hot Takes

Week 15 of 2024

Arizona Spew Laws

BREAKING: Abraham Lincoln was reelected, and abortion was outlawed in Arizona... 160 years ago. The Arizona Supreme Court said, "Yes, actually, those laws that were passed before we were a state still apply today, except for the slavery ones."

This puts Arizona all the more in the balance for the election this November, now that residents are going to have to face bans on abortion from conception, not to mention the very unpopular law against spitting in public – except for when necessary to save the life of the mother (for both spitting and abortions).

The resurfacing of this law has caused such alarm that even Kari Lake is willing to say it's a bad one, given that anything that gets her elected is a good idea to her, even if going against her own values is required. In this case, it doesn't compromise her most deeply held value of grifting. (more)

Left with Crumbs

The Crumbleys are Sentenced to 10-15 years in prison. They say their kid accepting the gun they purchased for him, taking it to school, and shooting people was not their fault. I can only partly relate to these parents. My kids "once" snatched some liquor from my supply, and I was agast! What possessed them to steal?! They should know better!

In my research, situations like this are subject to what I call the Red Button Theory. This is where you place a big red button in front of any primate and say, "Don't push this." They are more tempted to do so than ever. So when I say, "Don't ever taste this delicious bourbon that I enjoy with all my friends!" my kids say, "When are you and Mom going on another date?" When the Crumbleys said, "Make sure you don't use this gun to do a school shooting and Happy Birthday!" he was set up for failure. (more)

Trump Day

Donald Trump’s documents case has faced delay after delay, in the form of memos and motions, in an attempt to bury the judge in documents (which Trump evidently has a lot of in a bathroom next to all the mildew-stained towels and a broken toilet with a gold plated flusher).

His sex scandal case, on the other hand, has reached the end of its delays. After various attempts to delay the hush money case, including three attempts this week, his defense has run out of options and will need to settle for defending Trump against the actual charges in court. The case begins on Monday, which in some communities is actually considered a national holiday (on Trump Day, it's all downhill from here). (more)

Miss Menendez

Robert Menendez’s wife, or Miss Mendez if you're nasty, is asking the judge to delay their May 6th trial because of secret diagnoses for a “serious medical condition” that will require surgery in 4-6 weeks and leave her with a lengthy recovery period. Although the specific medical condition was not disclosed, I realize it could be a leg amputation or the flu, but that seems unlikely. I have a feeling the condition rhymes with “shmancer.” Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that Senator Menedez would still face trial in May as planned, but Nadine's will be delayed. (more)

Hamas Dip

Hamas and Israel failed to agree to a ceasefire this week (a fact that I thought about adding directly into my weekly template, but to avoid getting canceled, I'll check the news each week to see if something changes). This time, the rub was the lack of hostages – Hamas says it doesn't have enough living hostages to make the deal, which tells me they must not have a good war-lying strategy. Meanwhile, Israel's troops have retreated from many areas while they make more room for humanitarian aid to find its way into the country. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: “The Lorem Ipsum is a Meal.” Share this hearty episode with a content-hungry friend.

Have a great weekend!

If you like this kind of thing, consider this 👇