The Search for Sriracha

Good morning friends,

If you're wondering why I look so distraught, it's probably because there is a Sriracha shortage. This could be a devastating turn of events for me, and almost all of my avocado toast with eggs.

I'm also dealing with inflation. Specifically inflation of the quantity of clover in my yard. My lawn is experiencing 8.6% year-over-year clover after we've infused trillions of seeds to stimulate growth. In the news, that's not the only thing that is inflating. I'll get to that in a moment.

But first, The News.

Hot Takes

Week 24 of 2022

• Breaking: Senators from different parties work together. Congress managed to come up with a bipartisan deal regarding gun regulations, in hopes of addressing the USA's unique gun violence problem. In other news, Hell is actually freezing over, which experts claimed would never happen.
• Hipsters Face Bland Brunches. Broken yolks over avocado toast and hash bowls everywhere will be dangerously ordinary, due to a shortage of Sriracha. The producer of the hipster condiment of choice is faced with a shortage in the supply of chilis, causing shelves to be found empty worldwide. The availability of the equivalent of baby formula for people with tattoos and nose piercings will hopefully be recovered after the summer. Although not the case with Hell freezing over, this shortage is being blamed on climate change.
• Bear With Us. We've officially entered into the bear market territory. Luckily, half of the analysts out there had predicted this so some people already knew this. The other half, however, predicted something much different. The Lorem Ipsum stresses that it is not a financial advisor but suggests that you sell everything right away.
• Crypto Crash. Fake money is looking unstable at the moment, to the point where crypto companies have announced layoffs. This is mainly because they pay their employees with traditional money. As of this writing, Bitcoin is valued at around $20,000 US dollars, a steep drop from $30,000 a month earlier.
• The Fed told us to take a hike. An interest rate hike that is. And the largest one since 1994, increasing rates by three-quarters of a percent. For those of you who are looking at your credit card's minimum payments going up – that means it's working.
• The Musk Caucus. Elon Musk, a person whose vote matters, has said he'd support Ron DeSantis for President in the next Presidential elections. DeSantis responded by welcoming the support of African Americans – presumably, based on his record, especially rich white ones.
• The Debate of Personhood. According to a judge, elephants are not people. So what's next? Monkeys can't run for office?

That's it for the news. Now here's The Gist.

How to Navigate Inflation

The Gist

When it comes to finances, it's easy to give advice. It's a lot harder to put that advice to good use, even when you're the holier than thou in the ivory financial advice tower. We all have to navigate the world of milk prices, but what do you do when you're not the average welfare recipient who can just get their money from the Government?

Do this one thing, immediately.

To navigate the world of inflation, I have some advice for you. Before I begin, I should mention that I am not a professional financial advisor, so take my advice as that of a blogger. Like all blogs, I'm on the internet and we all know based on the existence of The Proud Boys, that the internet can deceive us.

Here's my advice in The Article.

For those of you who read last week's issue, congratulations, you broke a record! The rest of you still have work to do. Do you enjoy The Lorem Ipsum? It survives because you share it, so share this one.

Talk to you soon.

Have a great weekend!