Truth Bombs
If I were having lunch with Matt Gaetz, I would bring up Alanis Morrisette. It’s this week’s news.
Hey there,
Good morning to everyone that‘s not at Harvard right now.
Back on June 6th, I explained Kevin McCarthy needed a sandwich. I’m pretty sure he’s having one now. And if so, I'm certain he's standing against a pillar in the House chamber looking like Brad Pitt in Oceans Eleven while he watches his colleagues try to figure out how to replace him.
But they haven't figured it out.
If I were having lunch with Matt Gaetz, I would bring up Alanis Morrisette.
The thing about Alanis Morissette is that she has genius lines like “the caution blocks you from the wind” just buried in an album, bestowed on the world for free, and all people can do is focus on how nerdy she is.
You see, Kevin McCarthy was already a dream speaker for the party. He loves Starburst, knows how to roll lunch meat in a hoagie, and will do anything to make a deal with literally anyone ever. And all Matt could do is focus on how nerdy he is.
Well, now the GOP has a new set of problems.
I'll get to that in a minute...
But first, let's get to The News.
Hot Takes
Week 42 of 2023
Gaza Attack
On Tuesday, an explosion in Gaza City Hospital killed at least 500 people. Hamas blamed Israel, but Israel and US intelligence claim that a Palestinian militant group was the one who fired an errant rocket that backfired, bombing their own, which has prompted several intelligence operatives to wonder if it was actually the Republicans. (more)
In other news, President Biden visited Israel to show solidarity and test Netanyahu's comfort with PDA by hugging him, and it looks like he did just fine. (more)
Harvard Protests
If you're an Ivy Leaguer, this Take is for you. As you know, you've been protesting vigorously against the Israelis because "decolonization" sometimes looks like chopping off the heads of innocent children. Well, Harvard, among others, was a little light-footed in taking a position against these sorts of protests on their campus, and some donors haver not taken it well. The brazier billionaire, Leslie Wexner, founder of Victoria's Secret, said he couldn't support Harvard anymore. He said their leadership is a bunch of boobs who tiptoed around anti-Jewish statements from students who supported the actions of Hamas. Wexner, who is very familiar with a push-up, says one thing he won't push up is donations. (more)
Rite Aid Files
The large pharmacy chain might be changing its name to "Rong Aid" after an announcement this week that they are filing for bankruptcy. After lawsuits blaming them for a role in the opioid epidemic, they've found themselves on life support. The chain is expected to close hundreds of stores, some of which are literally directly across the intersections from a Walgreens store. (more)
Gag Order
This week, when a D.C. judge issued a gag order against Trump, I thought it was a requirement to eat at the cafeteria at Trump Tower, but actually, it was an order not to talk about the court staff and witnesses in his criminal case. This particular gag gift is the second one given to him this year. As we know, Trump has a terrible gag reflex, so he promptly walked out of the courtroom and disparaged the judge and the prosecutor without delay, which was technically not prohibited since the order only applied to the staff "simply doing their job" but Trump, with nothing better to do but fight criminal accusations, has decided to appeal the ruling. (more)
Oh No, Xi Didn't
At a global summit for the Belt and Road Initiative hosted by Xi Jinping, Putin was the guest of honor. The event hosted leaders from over 130 countries. In the event, Xi laid out his vision for the world with Russia by his side as his second favorite totalitarian state. He spoke of a world where dictators talk about their conquest over tea, and where the internet only has three channels, like a TV in the 1950s. And everyone said this is definitely the world I want to live in. (more)
Quickly
- Sydney Powell stared blankly at a judge while wearing leopard print pants and pleaded guilty in the fraud case in Georgia, and is testifying against the rest of the defendants.
That's it for the news. Now, here's this week's Feature.
Truth Brush
Feature Story
The truth hurts. That’s why Jim Jordan has done his best to avoid it. Back in his Ohio State wrestling coach days, he was accused of covering up sexual abuse. Then, in 2021, he tried to cover up who won the presidential election while voting to overturn it. He's knee-deep in a paper-thin impeachment inquiry against Biden while defending his preferred candidate, the criminally indicted and civilly liable figure who endorsed him for the speakership.
Denying elections, inventing corruption, and gaslighting his Republican colleagues. And America. Rest assured, Gym Jordon is no fan and the truth.
This week, he came in direct contact with it.
Currently, the chamber is called the House of Representatives, but after all the drama, I'm considering changing the name to Desperate Housewives of Representatives. However, the chamber is not all collagen and gossip these days. It also has a growing to-do list, as the House has not been able to do any business at all unless you count monkey business.
As we look at the Republican primaries, we see a long list of candidates, none of which are experiencing even marginal success. Except one, and that is the former President. The same is a guy who can't even unite the party with an endorsement for a speaker.
After Steve Scalise withdrew his candidacy, Jim faced two rounds of voting, where his margin eroded from 20 holdouts to 22. Aside from the unanimous democrats voting for Minority leader Jefferies, ten candidates were named in a vote for speaker aside from Jordan, forcing a brush with the truth that they've been ignoring for three years.
And that is that the Republican Party has no leadership.
That's it for this week.
Remember: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's The Lorem Ipsum by Daniel Herndon.
Be sure to share a copy with a special someone.
Have a great weekend!