What's Your Secret?

Hey Friends,

I've been accused of being too hard on some politicians and easy on others.

I think this is a fair criticism, but, still, I'd like to clear the air.

It's true.

When Anthony Weiner was caught being one while carrying the moniker, it was hard to miss.

The same is true today.

If you try to defraud an election and continue to lie about it, illegally retain government documents and refuse to return them, rape women, drive an angry mob to the Capitol for a deadly riot and deny your involvement, do your best to overthrow a sound Government and consolidate power for yourself, if you have a really dumb hairdo, or if you are really old, I probably should be required to make fun of you in this newsletter.

For example, Joe Biden is really old, and I have definitely made fun of him.

Let's get to The News

Hot Takes

This 38th Week of 2024

What's Your Secret, Service?

One of the primary methods to protect a president is to avoid placing them in an open field with a big red hat on. But this week, we've uncovered a wrinkle: you can't just have one Kevin Costner in a suit. You have to have a bunch of little Kevin Costners roaming around the vicinity with that earpiece with a curly wire coming off of it. When something urgent happens, they start talking to their wrist, and jump into action.

The Secret Service's armor has been cracked for a second time this week after a second assassination attempt against Trump took place while he was playing golf. The good news is that the guy didn't even get a shot off before he was spotted and fired at by Secret Service snipers, but it was only after twelve hours of hiding in the bushes they found him. It turns out that the Secret Service admitted they hadn't scanned the area before the unplanned golf game, which means that heads will need to start rolling. Former Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned for not having enough staff after the prior assassination attempt, and now the acting director better resign for letting the agency operator without a director—and I'll probably need to resign for writing about it. Now, Congress, which has declined to fund the agency sufficiently, seeks to hold them accountable for it. (more)

Notorious P.I.G.

P Diddy is in the news again, and here's what we know so far. It seems like yesterday he used to rock the show, he laced the track, and Biggy Smalls locked the flow – or at least that's what sources tell me. It appears that all those days are long gone though, now that Biggy has gone to the other side a few decades back, and Diddy is faces charges that could put him behind bars for decades if not the rest of his life.

P Diddy is now the poor man's Puff Daddy after being arrested this week and charged with sex trafficking, racketeering, and more. Mr. Diddy was sent to jail to await trial and will not receive bail. Presumably, he'll have to surrender his sunglasses that he wears like a never nude wears jeans shorts and trade them for a prison-issued version. He faces 15 years to life, which means that if convicted, he'll be adding the nickname "Diaper Diddy Sniper Combs." According to reports, he is funding his legal defense almost solely from me personally streaming the song "I'll Be Missing You" over and over. (more)

07734 Hezbollah

We knew Hezbollah was behind the times when we heard they were pirates looking to earn their way into a garden paradise by killing as many Jews as possible (which is obviously so 1996), but when I found out they all carried pagers, I was really taken aback. In the 90s, you would blow up a friend's hip simply by paging them with "BOOBS" repeatedly or spelling heLL0 upside down with digital numbers.

This week, Israel took it a step further by adding actual explosives to thousands of Hezbollah beepers and literally blew them up in unison – killing a dozen and injuring thousands in Lebanon. Whoever is the Beeper King that let Beeper Depot get infiltrated is in for a surprise. I don't think Hezbollah will trust them for all their beeper needs anymore. (more)

Tito's

It’s not as easy as 1-2-3 to tell you this, but Tito Jackson died of a heart attack this week. He was the 70 year old original member of the pop band The Jackson 5, and the less successful brother of Michael Jackson, with a net worth that includes the other glove that his brother Michael didn't have use for, and a pair of penny loafers with actual pennies still in them. Since his death, the search term "which one was Tito Jackson" has risen dramatically. He was the third oldest among the brothers. He is survived by his three sons and countless songs we will always remember. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is hit and miss, but laughing with friends is always a good time. Share this issue with someone you care about.

Have a great weekend!