Airplane Food

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, except for the guy who planted the tree that fell on my fence and crushed an entire section.

It was a geriatric fence. The cost of it, amortized over decades, not years. Even a New York real estate developer couldn't depreciate the value of this fence any further. I had intended to keep the fence until it blew away like dandelion seeds in blowing wind, but a felled tree has put my plan at risk.

Thankfully, as soft and thin as my skin is, I'm surprisingly handy, and I rebuilt the demolished segment, and it will now last another two or three HOA cycles.

Let's get to The News.

Airplane Food

The Washington Post reported this week that the president was hidden in a catering truck.

When Trump left Turkey, en route to England, and took the older Air Force One jet "for old time's sake," reporters were asked to lower their shades. The catering team put on their sunglasses and spy-like earpieces, and went to work. There were reports of a credible threat that Iran may attempt to attack the President.

Trump, after boarding the plane in front of cameras, was secretly loaded onto a catering cart surrounded by ice-cold Diet Cokes and a warm Natalie Carp, his adoring blonde assistant.

Secret Service expressed concern when they were smuggling Trump off the plane that the president might pass gas if he fell asleep in the cart, as he's been known to do.

According to reporters, the first clue that something was off was a waft of McDonald's French fries as the cart passed their seats, then the sounds of giggling and pillow talk, followed by the biggest clue: Trump not talking to the press for the entire flight. Most people failed to notice the catering truck raising its lift to Air Force One, then descending to head directly to the nearby military jet. The few who noticed pointed out that the lift was struggling under the weight it was carrying.

Hoping the attack was credible, Trump chose to keep Marco Rubio, Scott Bessent, and Stephen Miller on the original plane. Fortunately, no attack occurred, and the government remains fully operational except during naptime in the Oval Office.

Caroline Leave-It

In other news, press secretary Caroline Leavitt quit, not getting lip injections, but rather her job working for the White House. She said it was a bittersweet decision to leave the job, as she had to take care of her family. She mentioned she has two young kids and an aging husband to care for. "Too many diapers to change in this house," one source said, calling it the "Brown House" on Taco Bell night.

Karoline was the youngest to ever hold the role. But that didn't stop her from getting plastic surgery. Leavitt is known to have been poked with more needles than a quilt, in order to convert her lips from horizontal pinstripes, which are not slimming, to thick sharpie-style swooshes.

According to the reports I'm getting, some reporters challenged her when she announced her departure, unsure if she was, as usual, lying for the president. To keep things consistent, she’ll need to insist to the press that she quit, all while doing the job right in front of them.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!