Clearly United Nations
Plus, the biggest news of the week is that it wasn't allowed to be covered.
Hey Friends,
Good morning to everyone with a dictionary.
To everyone else, good afternoon, because that's the only moral thing to call it at 6:30 am. How many newsletters need to be sent before you will use the word?
Let's get to The News.
Sheet Stealers
This week has been strange for White House coverage, after Trump banned three media outlets from the White House press pool for accurate reporting, including CNN, Politico, and MS Now, effectively renaming them CN-Out, Politcold Shoulder, and MS Later. The remaining major networks immediately withdrew from the press pool in protest of the White House decision, leaving Trump uncovered, just like he is when Natalie Harp hogs the blankets. JD Vance defended Trump's move, saying, "1st Amendment rights don't guarantee access to the White House, just like Usha doesn't guarantee me access to make love to her or our couch." But the banned networks say in a lawsuit that the reasoning for expulsion is what crosses the line. Thursday morning, a judge ordered the White House to return their credentials.
Untied Nations
UN world leaders met in New York City this week to highlight one of the greatest achievements of the modern world: creating an international governing body that has no power at all. They discussed everything from active wars to who to blame for them. The heads of state and their delegates agreed they could be civilized for a day of global conversation, but didn't feel that it was necessary at this time.
Among the highlights, Donald Trump took the stage and wore his extra-large diaper this time. He focused most of his speech on his potential success in waging war against Iran, which he believes will be over soon. He called out their strategy to wait out the elections before making a deal, but Trump insisted the midterms didn’t matter to him because he’s not running, and that he is focused on Iran and did not care whether it affected the elections. To respond to his comments, Nathan Fielder showed up to the summit, just to make this face.
Trump said, regarding Iran, that he had a choice between making a deal or annihilating them. In a stern warning, he said Pete Hegseth was fully prepared to claim yet again that he annihilated them if they did not surrender. In what some call an escalation of the fighting, he threatened yet another memorandum of understanding. Experts insist that the US, while it is running low on munitions, still has plenty of Truth Social posts it can make.
After his appearance at the UN Summit, President Trump took the time to meet with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Their conversation covered their ongoing trade tensions and the tariff wars between the two countries. In an attempt to gain leverage, Trump offered to give Godzilla back to China for a limited time. Unmoved, Xi said they had better robots than that now and responded (roughly translated), "We're good."
Back at the UN summit, Iran's President Masoud Pezeshkian responded to Trump's comments, saying that the Iranian people will not bend the knee to bullying, and won't surrender even while the USA has bombed them relentlessly. Pezeshkian explained that across the population, the sentiment is consistent. Even for the women of Iran, if you could see their faces hidden under the legally required headscarves, you would see their spirit of determination, defiance against Western imperialism and, in some cases, bruises from being beaten by their husbands.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky spoke as well. The core of his speech was reintroducing himself to the assembly and reminding them that he is the guy who runs a country on the eastern side of Europe, specifically the one that Russia invaded a while back.
On Thursday, Benjamin Netanyahu delivered a defiant speech to the few who stayed to listen. He told them both that Israel is not committing a genocide, but preventing one. Then, in the dark of the stadium, a lone audience member began to slow clap, just as the light pans to reveal it's Jon Voight. Some people just can't be canceled.
That's it for this week.
Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is a newsletter no matter what you call it. And your friends are waiting on you to share one with them. Send a copy out to someone you want to send a subtly passive-aggressive message to today!
Have a great weekend!
