Press Harder, Secretary.

Hey Friends,

Trump has provided us with a gift: his new press secretary is basically writing this newsletter for me today. But based on the first press event, I'm guessing she's not going to be able to read it.

Let's get to The News.

Pressed For Time

This week, Trump appointed a new press secretary, Katie Zacharia, the latest blonde bombshell from Fox News to join the administration. This Tuesday morning, she conducted her first press briefing since taking the job, and many called it disastrous. When she was told to do regular "briefings," she took it literally and kept hers to five minutes and three questions. She defended her performance, saying that usually, press briefings take place in the afternoon, allowing the press secretary to get caught up on things in case the dog eats your homework.

The White House celebrated her appointment as one of its latest DEI hires because it has made it a point to hire someone with darker roots. With additional hires including FBI Director Kash Patel, a cross-eyed man, and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, a masculine female, experts say this is the most progressive administration since the Biden Administration.

Katie, who came from a job at Fox News, has long been claiming to be a lawyer who practiced law in China. Critics point out that she didn't pass the bar; she simply lowered it. When asked by reporters where she passed the bar, she said, "When I moved to China." But based on a quick Google, she probably actually passed several, since there are many bars on the way to China, and even more if you count restaurants that serve alcohol. (more)

Inflation

Inflation has gone up just before the midterms. The Trump administration has been able to determine that it was caused by the Barack Hussein Obama administration. Unless inflation means incomes are up, in which case it was achieved single-handedly by Trump. (more)

Live Screamed

The Donald J. Trump livestream of the Fort Hood shooter's execution, sponsored by Crypto.com, has been canceled due to lack of ticket sales. The execution by firing squad will still go on, with Christa Pike, the death row inmate from Tennessee, on the undercard. (more)

Guil Foiled

In related news, the Fort Hood firing squad is not the only firing Trump is doing this week. After news came out accusing her of misconduct, Trump fired Kimberly Guilfoyle for allegedly not being a man. When the newly appointed Press Secretary Katie Zacharia broke the news, she apologized and said she would try to fix it. (more)

Scared Strait

In the Strait of Hormuz, Iran has attacked at least 15 ships this week, making it the deadliest week in the strait since the start of the war. The Iranians, when they accepted their award, said they would like to thank Allah but also Pete Hegseth, because they wouldn't have been able to do this without him. (more)

Thoughts and Prayers

The Pope has lung cancer, but as an answer to prayer, the Chicago Cubs, made it to the playoffs this year. (more)

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is a home run for sharing, so make sure you slide a copy into your closest friend's inbox home base.

Have a great weekend!