The Rural Juror

Hey Friends,

It's your civic duty to serve.

Every day, some criminal libertine faces a judge, and it's your job as a fellow citizen to be there in the gap for him to demonstrate that it's hard to prove a crime that was committed when no one was looking.

I fulfilled that duty this week.

Almost.

I received the honorable commission from the Marion County Criminal Justice Center, located right by Rural Avenue in Indianapolis. I'm reminded of the Rural Juror from 30 Rock. This time, I am that Rural Juror.

They requested my appearance, to dutifully serve my community, and my country (but at minimum, my county) by being considered for jury duty.

Consider it done, I said. I showed up with my shirt tucked in and a local version of patriotism, to be a prospective 8% of the only thing between one man and the gas chamber (or maybe 180 days time served plus a fine not to exceed $2,000).

The defendant was being charged with an act of domestic violence, causing injury to his pregnant wife.

I was the last person of 200 people to be questioned, and the question after hours of deliberation was "And, what about you, Juror number 37?"

I said, "What do you want to know? I've been on the board of an anti-domestic violence organization for some 10 years." Just then, the judge told the defense their time was up.

I was dismissed after four and a half hours of service to my country county.

You're welcome.

Was I writing a newsletter? No. Was I driving millions of dollars in sales to create jobs across America? No. I was selflessly waiting to be fair and impartial on behalf of my fellow citizen, a criminal.

Who was, by the way, definitely guilty.

Let's get to The News.

• President Trump continues to celebrate the victories of his war in Iran. As Trump says, Iran is a dried cracker with no milk. While a report from his intelligence administration this week contradicted his claims about Iran's ability to respond. Basically, if his team, which doesn't have a PR department, is correct, they are the Ritz crackers, and while it may only be 70% of what they had before, they have a whole block of cheese.
• Alex Murdaugh, the attorney in a true crime hit saga, was eventually convicted of the murder of his wife and son, apparently to cover up massive financial crimes. This week, his murder conviction was overturned, requiring a new trial. Thankfully, he has more than 40 years of prison time to work before he dies/get's released to clear his name of murder.
• Trump met with Xi, and the only takeaway we have is that, during a wide-stance handshake, Trump tried to pull Xi's hand down to his junk.

• Dr. Oz, in an Oval Office press conference/presidential nap, said that most Americans are "underbabied." That's it! That's the take!

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum is fair and impartial, and always just. Share a copy with a jury's worth of your peers.

Have a great weekend!