Hard News

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, except for Anthony Fauci, who is still recovering from another Senate hearing this week, where he pleaded the Fifth. Incidentally, that is almost what I did with this week's newsletter, where I respectfully plead my right under the Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution to stay silent so I do not incriminate myself via this email.

But as Mrs. Lorem Ipsum has reminded me, my readers await.

Let's catch up on just a couple of items from this week in The News.

Hot Toddy. Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche has faced roadblocks from Republican senators who want him to limit the Tax immunity deal that Trump has made with himself. But Trump says that's not a problem, and that Todd can keep serving in the interim role indefinitely as long as he gets a tattoo on his left cheek that says "loverboy" with a heart and Donald Trump's signature in Sharpie next to it. Todd, who will eat grubs, slugs, and other larvae if asked, will do anything for Trump.

War is Hard. Saudi Arabia has joined the war in Iran. Furthermore, the US has stepped up its air strikes against the Iranians in response to Iran targeting military installations 18 times in the last 20 days, reminding us that the war is not over, the US military's goals have not been achieved, and the Iranians are not rendered unable to fight.

The only joke here is the American military leadership, including Pete Hegseth. The thing is, Pete is so bad at running a war department that he could probably finish a can of Foster's beer before he could win a war, and those things are huge.

Pete has been pushing for the armed forces to get testosterone injections with the goal of making them the fiercest warriors in history, but instead the only thing that became fierce is a soldier's urge to masturbate. Unfortunately, the US military has not been beating Iran; they've been beating something else instead.

Tariffs are Forever. As I reported last week, tariffs have been rolling back in despite the Supreme Court shutting down a prior troff of tariffs. Trump's new tariffs affect 60 trading partners and about 99.4% of US Imports. This week, we report on the 0.06%. According to reports, when the tariffs were passed, the diamond industry sighed in relief, because the natural diamond industry was exempted from the tariffs, just as the largest diamond company in the world, located in Antwerp, provided Trump with an 18-karat gold ring the size of a watch.

It's encrusted with 321 diamonds, 56 sapphires, 13 emeralds, and 6 rubies. The approximate value of the ring is about $25-$35,000. To put that in context we can all understand, it would take 16,ooo of these rings to buy one Qatari jet gifted to Trump in exchange for US security guarantees and real estate investments, or approximately Hunter Biden's total net worth.

In and Out. If you've paid attention to the news this week, you know better than I do; you've wasted your time. You could have had AI do it for you. At least, that's what OpenAI did. This week, OpenAI discovered that one of its autonomous nonhuman agents hacked into another AI company's website. Even more shockingly, the company didn't know about the penetration for days, which is what Usha says about JD Vance after a chance encounter.

That's it for this week.

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Have a great weekend!