Heaven or Bust

Hey Friends,

Good morning to everyone, except for the prosecutors of Lindsay Clancy’s case.

I've been underwater this week, but not as much as the people of central Nepal who were buried in waves as tall as the 1954 version of Godzilla. But neither rushing water nor giant plastic lizard can stop me from publishing on time.

I'll bring you up to speed.

Let's get to The News.

Dollywood Remember

Dolly Parton was larger than life, and a pair of double Ds combined. This week, life decided it couldn't lift her any longer, and its straps have snapped. Dolly died from a brief episode of cancer. She was survived by six of her 11 siblings, a theme park, over 3000 songs, and a collection of wigs that would make Andre Agassi jealous.

Dolly came from poor means, raised by a father who could not read and a mother who didn't have a wedding ring until her kids agreed to give up their Christmas gifts so Dad could buy Mom a ring. Dolly had 11 siblings, who eventually joined her in what became a massive empire, including a platinum music career, a theme park, and roles in iconic movies like Steel Magnolias and 9 to 5.

She was filled with collagen and kindness, famously adored for her Imagination Library and a smile that won't fade even as she sleeps. If anyone ever walks through the pearly gates, she'll be there chest first.

Smells Like Tim Curry

He's the first man to look good in a garter belt since J Edgar Hoover, and he's the last member of the cast of Home Alone 2 to die this year who isn't the president.

Tim Curry is where I learned to say nobody in a British accent. From now on, I'll have to resort to Benedict Cumberbatch or Gillian Anderson in any role except as Scully on X-Files to practice my chops, because Tim passed away this week, thanks to old age, and because the world could no longer contain his legendary characters, and him at the same time. Hollywood awaits to see who takes his place. Good luck, Ted Danson, because we will miss Tim's range.

Silly Goose

Canadian president Mark Carney said, "no more mister nice guy, if that's okay with you," and then he abandoned trade negotiations with the Trump administration, because, he says, Trump couldn't be trusted to stick to a deal. It's true, but words that harsh are usually bleeped on Canadian television, until now, when the country has been fed up enough aboot the US's campaign of abuse.

When Trump forced new tariffs on Canadians, Mark struck back with reciprocal tariffs, and he didn't say sore-y this time. If Americans want hockey sticks or hex head bolts that require a metric set of crescent wrenches, then you can go somewhere else, or pay through the beak. And apparently, what's good for the goose is good for the gander because Canadians like this new mean, nice Mark Carney, who is enjoying a bump in his approval ratings with some local tariff-free maple syrup, while cruising in a Dodge Charger built in Windsor, Ontario.

Mic dropped. But then politely picked up afterward.

Wet Dreams

Or a nightmare, for that matter, occurred at the border of Tibet, China, and Nepal when a chunk of ice a half mile wide broke off of an icy mountainous area and fell about 4,000 feet, causing a water basin to gush like Trump in a visit with Xi Jinping. Here, video captures the scene of hundreds of people being swept away by a wall of flood waters that nearly instantly took over a whole town.

The latest reports say more than a thousand people are missing, not to mention several buildings and at least one large bridge. Cue the people who say it's climate change and then the people who say it's not. But instead, let's find all our people and try to survive, not just this catastrophe, but maybe even the next one.

Mail Bagged

This week, the Supreme Court allowed Trump's executive order taking control of the mail-in voting system to remain in place while the court reviews its legality. For the meantime, the court deferred to Trump because it says it just couldn't see how the order would harm the states that have sued to stop it while the court deliberates. For example, what's the worst that could happen? Besides a president altering elections right before the midterms by taking the control afforded to the states by Constitutional law? Probably nothing.

So Meta

Meta agrees to a $17 billion settlement broken into two parts — one the size of the whole budget of Oklahoma and the other with a budget the size of South Dakota. The first is a down payment of $12 billion to settle the case that says their platform is addictive and harmful to children, and the rest is an additional $5 billion they only pay if other social media companies agree to pay up for the same cause as well. Remember to like and subscribe if you learned something from this post.

That's it for this week.

Remember: The Lorem Ipsum floods your inbox every Friday. Even global warming can't stop it, so you might as well invite your friends to take a dip by sharing this issue with them.

Have a great weekend!